You're It

I was tagged by Silly.

*Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot :

the state of indiana
watching me grow
citymama
mad cap mini
Golf Pro's Wife

*Then select five people to tag:
http://eatquiltsleep.blogspot.com/
http://cookiesforlunch.blogspot.com/
http://griffithfive.blogspot.com/
http://www.emjowo.blogspot.com/
http://maternitycorner.blogspot.com/

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Living with my new husband, trying to get pregnant...

What were you doing 1 year ago ?

Waiting for Jay, like tonight...inventory sucks!

Five snacks you enjoy:

1. chips and salsa
2. sunflower seeds
3. cashews
4. cheese nips
5. soy nuts

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics :

1. Carolina In My Mind - James Taylor
2. Tupelo Honey - Van Morisson
3. Come Monday - Jimmy Buffett
4. Tears In Heaven - Eric Clapton
5. Eidelweiss

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

1. Buy a new house
2. Pay off debts
3. Pay off our parents' debts
4. Donate
5. Hire a nanny LOL

Five bad habits:

1. swearing
2. not eating right
3. not budgeting
4. worrying
5. minesweeper

Five things you like doing:

1. time playing with my kids
2. time with my other family
3. crafts
4. photography
5. Jay ;)

Five things you would never wear, buy or get new again:

1. bell bottoms
2. short shorts
3. mumus
4. maternity wear
5. jean jacket

Five favorite toys:

1. computer
2. camera
3. tv
4. all games for computer
5. can't talk about that other one here ;)

Christmas was a success

Well, we caved! Of course we did, because, although our kids cause us the utmost havoc, we can't possibly look into those pitiful eyes come Christmas morning. I know, we are weak. We were up to our eyeballs in wrapping when the phone rang. It was freaking 10:30, "what the hell do you want?" I ask. Ummmm the damn alarm went off at work. Of course being it is Christmas Eve we figured someone actually broke in. So out of the jammies goes Jay and into the minivan to work. Meanwhile I am still wrapping and we have 2 half way together Buzz motorcycles all sprayed across the living room. We were in BIG trouble if the kids awoke, thankfully they did not. Jay returned sometime after 11:30 and we finished our endeavor around 1:30. We still had to eat those damn cookies and of course the pizza and beer that OUR Santa must have. Why do those things taste sooooo awful when you are forced to eat them??

We got up the next morning at 7:30, not bad considering how many times we had to tell Kai to go back to sleep. The kids enjoyed their gifts and we had some yummy cinnamon rolls. The rest of the day was just lazy. The kids have been sick for going on 3 weeks, just miserable colds but still aggravating enough, so any outdoor adventure is just off. We trotted our butts out the door around 4:30 to get our traditional Chinese for Christmas. It is also been my tradition for GAWD, 17 years to drive around on Christmas and find at least one pathetic soul, thus I proclaim "at least it's not that bad!" Don't know why but it does make me feel better. I'm not bah humbug but I am not really about the season the way most are. I have always enjoyed the giving MUCH more than the getting and it is depressing when all my giving ends up being less than what I would like because of money. Just ruins the whole thing for me. I make everything personal but I just have too much to do, yk? Enough with the rant....

Eye Dr. Visit

Yesterday was complete and utter hell with the kids. My kids, you see, are just not the happy-go-lucky, easy going children that some (feels like most) other people have. Keara and Kai needed to go to the eye Dr. Keara just needed to have her yearly exam, should be NO big deal and Kai is still having the eye issues. Keara went in first with her daddy. He came back to the car, got Kai and started him going about 15 minutes later. After another 15 minutes he comes running out to the car screaming "You need to go in there, Keara is being a baby and WILL NOT do the eyedrops." OK! I go in and do my most soothing voice and say "Keara we really need to do this, let's just be quick and get it done." Does that work? NO. I drag her butt back to the car and go back in to get Kai to do the drops. He did the drops but could only manage to open one eye for the dr. So, they have to return next week and do it all over again. And I am out $110 for this wasted visit. Keara and Kai are grounded! They are both going to be doing 11hrs of chores to pay me back. I guess there goes Keara's vacation. OH WELL! My mom suggested we take Santa away...so the plan is going to be that the kids will come out and there will not be Santa presents out. They will have to sit with that for a couple of hours until we can see they have learned the importance of behaving, then we will phone Santa. At this point Santa will tell us that he did in fact leave some presents in the laundry room, but wants them to understand that this will be the last time he can do that. (this is the plan but Jay often caves with pressure and I am not sure he can stand it) We also made them clean out the play room and we took 4 garbage bags of toys to the Mission Donation. It's funny because Keara is such a sweet thoughtful kid except when she feels threatened (the dr., dentist or even the hair salon will send her over the edge). Keara was so excited to donate for kids that didn't have anything, she even wanted to give her favorite doll. So stay tuned to see if my kids "get" the message. LOL That is truly funny.

Some People

I make cookies. brownies, cheesecake, and all sorts of baked goods for Jay to take with him to work. Do you think I can get any kind of gratitude for that?? HELL NO! I am so sick of it. I made some bark (you know chocolate and white chocolate mint) and the first batch of white chocolate just didn't spread well. I had enough to make another batch with the same bag and same deal. But then when I made the third batch, it was really PRETTY. So, instead of "gee thanks for making that, or yummmm!" I get "well that is prettier than the last batch." The first two still tasted GREAT, but NO that is not the point! I am so DONE doing this shit.

*ok I feel better just typing that out*

Our weekend

The lawn mower parade was a hit. We picked Keara up from school at 12:30. She immediately told us that she had some trouble during lunch. Well, turns out she wrote on the table. So, I made her write her teacher an apology note with 5 GOOD sentences. She wanted to write "I am very very very sorry." five times but I told her that wouldn't cut it. She did 4 really well written ones and the last I had her write "I will never write on school property again." She didn't like that idea but I told her that now her teacher had it in writing and she could be held accountable for her actions. That was just the first 20 minutes of our LONG weekend. UGH I hate short trips. We went to my mom's first because my dad's boss was in town and wanted to see the kids. Well I thought, you know, my kids. NO he wanted to see the adult kids. I felt really bad because my little terrors were in their prime ready to go after a 5 hr. drive. We finally made it to Jay's parent's house at 10 or so. Then Jay went to Wally world because he had yet to tell me anything to get for his parents. Saturday morning we did Xmas with his parents, then off to his grandparents for more. I really hate it when someone gives gifts to the kids and I didn't do for their kids. Jay's cousins bought my three a lot and it really makes me feel like a dope! Then for dinner, off we went to my parents. My mom had the notion of the kids helping her to decorate the sugar cookies for the parade the next day. Do you have any idea what sugar cookies and sugar icing and red dye and MY CHILDREN do together?? OMGAWD they were so wired. They were extra loud, hyper and just plain obnoxious. UGH We had a nice night but it was kinda stressful. We ended up leaving Kai because he just crashed. The next morning, we went back to my parent's house to decorate our trailer. We ride in a hay filled trailer hauled by my dad's tractor. All the kids wanted to be Rudolph, so we painted their noses red. We had carols and tossed candy canes along the way. The kids thought it was fantastic. Of course we had to deal with Kai hiding his damn eyes the entire trip because the sun hurts. Keara was picking her privates because apparently she has a hay allergy that we didn't know about. I do as well, one leg up the entire side is broken out. At the end of the parade, we had the usual cider and cookies at a good friend's house. It was fun to see everyone. Then at 4 we headed back on the road again for home. The kids were really out of sorts and I really don't think we will be making that kind of trip again...it just is too much. Drig suffered the most. We haven't seen him out of his element like this was and he was really grumpy. He just could not deal with the chaos. Poor guy. Anyway, we survived and now we are all catching up. I have more to tell but GAWD I am tired tonight. LOL

Family

Butt Burping

Yesterday at the dr.'s office, Kai has to go to the potty. He tells the nurse and anyone that would listen "I have to pee, no actually I have to poop!" So we are in there and I am hurrying him along because the dr. is waiting. He had finished or so I thought, then he farts. We all started laughing (why is it that farting does that to people?) So he looks over and says totally matter of fact "Mom, I am not done, I still have more, it was just my butt burping!" LOL Too funny!

Nightmare?

OMG Yesterday was a day from hell. I had 3 kids sick (the kind of sick that is just enough to keep them from going to school but not the kind that they actually lay around and relax sick) kids home with me. They have been sick for 5 LONG days now. And it was Jay's day to work open-close plus his company dinner last night. OMG I am so so so tired. The kids just whined and bitched ALL damn day. My own health is teetering too. I have become the Nyquil queen and it isn't helping, guess it's time for the dreaded dr. visit.

This morning we woke to the normal battles a la Keara and Drig. And then to top it off my lovely Jay decided to cut his own damn hair. Then he comes into the living room amid breakdowns and tantrums and me saying "Keara eat, Kai just sit there for one minute I promise to get your medicine in just a sec and Drig PLEASE stop pulling my hair and get your shoes on....no the socks are fine, please leave the shoes on Drig, Keara please eat and stop reading, Kai just one more sec." He says "Can you fix my hair, I kinda fucked it up?" UH WHAT? NOW? NO, I will not fix your stupid hair this very minute, I'm BUSY! So, he is pissed off at me too. Then they all left and Kai finally got his medicine. By then, though I decided he needed to be seen today, he is pretty sick. So we pack up to get Drig at school and stop on the way home at the dr.s. Of course, he only has a virus that there is NO medication for (we did get some ointment for his eyes though). Now I have to get them fed and off to get Keara. Then back to the pharmacy and home for homework. I want to get our tree that we supposed to get Sat, but the kids were sick. I WANT a tree and I know if we don't do it tonight, I probably won't get one. So, I guess I'll have to kiss some ass tonight and get my tree! What a day!

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays! (I don't CARE if it is politically incorrect to say this...LOL)

These were our Holiday cards (the first two) I prefer the second but of course Jay opted for the first. And of course the annual Santa experience. Can't wait to show ya the Lawn Mower Parade pictures...the kids are reindeer this year...maybe I'll be an elf LOL.

* Yes I had to insert Drig into the Santa pic. He is such a stinker! *

Totally stolen from silly...

A is for age: 33
B is for booze of choice: Pinot Grigio
C is for career: Mom
D is for your dad's name: Stephen
E is for essential items to bring to a party: Me??
F is for favorite song at the moment: Susie Snowflake...only if sung by Keara
G is for favorite game: Minesweeper
H is for hometown: Redwood City, CA
I is for instruments you play: piano
J is for jam or jelly you like: strawberry or grape jam
K is for kids: Killian (deceased), Keara, 7, Kai, 4, Padraig, 3
L is for living arrangements: 3bdrm 2bath house
M is for mom's name: Patricia
N is for name of your crush: Tony Stewart
O is for overnight hospital stays: 4 times with the kids' births and 4 with kids sick
P is for phobias: used to be driving, still some...pumping gas??? Weird I know!
Q is for quotes you like: "You can catch flies better with honey than with vinegar"
R is for relationship that lasted the longest: Current 11+ years
S is for sexual preference: Yes
T is for time you wake up: 6 on the weekdays and 7 if I am lucky on weekends
U is for underwear: cotton lycra blend (Victoria's Secret)
V is for vegetable you love: love them all
W is for weekend plans: We are going to Mom's in NC for the Lawnmower Parade.
X is for x-rays you've had: many, Don't even know how many, my foot alone was like 30
Y is for yummy food you make: cheesecake, pretty much anything sweet
Z is for zodiac sign: Aries

Lousy Blogger

Wow I am a slacker. I have been busy doing all these damn computer projects for Christmas and I just don't have the energy to do anything else here. So, there!

Let's see this month so far...
Drig has been sick like every other day, it's great that he gets to go to the PreK but it is wrecking havoc on his little bod. He is so sweet, poor guy! On another level, he is driving me nuts. I shouldn't complain about him and it certainly is not his fault but GAWD he is so frustrating. I know that this is a long road but it is so HARD. He is disabled and I know that I have to have patience, it is going to take EVERYTHING in me to handle it the right way. I LOVE my Drig so very much. He is the most precious thing ever. I want to do it right. I need to do it right. More than that, I have so much ahead that I will have to fight for him. He has so many obstacles and I have to make them passable for him. It is amazing what you have to go through to get ANYTHING done. RED TAPE UGH!!!

Kai has this lovely eye infection?? We don't actually know what it is but my little turkey is rubbing so much that he is actually raw under his eyes. I actually think it is a viral thing because Keara has eye pain too. He is driving me nuts too. I know it's my own fault. He is the middle child. He is often put aside because he has a more needy brother and an school age sister. It shouldn't be that way, but with my health and everything else it just is how it gets. I really have to change that come the new year....more playdates for mommy and Kai!

Keara is doing well. She has some sort of virus too. It is amazing that she can have a temp and still act like a crazy kid. I have a hard time keeping her home but what can ya do? She is starting a new reading group and she has already mastered the 3rd grade book they gave her. They wanted her to read 25 pages for the first week and she finished the book in two days LOL. She got the next one as her library book and finished it in one day. I even caught her reading on the pot LOLOLOLOL. Now that was a sight.

Me...hmmm...well I think it must be the time of year. I SO MISS KILLIAN. It's so weird to have such strong feelings for so long after. I just wish....no use going there!

Jay is Jay!

I promise to get back here more often. I really like putting my feelings in words.

WAR EAGLE!

Congrats to a great season Tigers! The game this weekend proved the champions you are! (Just had to put a blurb in for ya)

Thanksgiving

The things I am thankful for....

1. My children, their health, their happiness and their overall sweetness :)
2. My mom and dad...they are the best parents ever
3. My husband...most of the time ;)
4. My dear friends, mostly in the cyber world, you know who you are!
5. My inlaws, they do the best they know how ;)
6. My home, it's not the greatest house in the world but sooooo much more than some have
7. My cars, hey they work.
8. My extended family
9. My sense of humor (needed for all of the above)
10. GOD

There are plenty more and these all change in order given the moment of thought. I have a blessed life and I am thankful for ALL that I have.

Tony

CONGRATULATIONS TONY!

I knew you would pull it off and I was so happy when you did it. I even got to call my dad and GLOAT! I LOVE IT. This has been such a great year, can't wait for next year. OOOHHH and to see ya all dressed up for the banquet.....I might faint.

All Dolled Up

We went to a wedding last month. No one ever sees me like this, even though I dress this way all the time LOL. It was fun to dress in peace, we actually got to shower together (ooohhhlala) and then enjoy an adult night drinking, dancing (yeah I was dancing with some girlfriends...Jay does not dance) and just plain whooping it up for an evening. My parents had the kids, so no worries there.

*That GAWD AWFUL painting in the background is the bane of my existence. I bought that masterpiece when we first married at a yard sale AS A JOKE! Jay fell in love with that damn thing and I have had to endure it in every living room since. Doesn't the vomit green color we painted the walls compliment it well?*

SYRUP NATION

I know I am going to hell when all is quiet in the playroom. The boys are not capable of anything that is remotely quiet. I was in such a zone, trying desperately to get my Christmas cards and pictures ordered, that I completely blanked out on the nonnoise factor. In TEN GDAMN minutes...yes that is all it takes when you are boy geniuses, they were up to NO GOOD. Drig comes running out, screaming. I think "what has Kai done now?" He comes over with his arms spread looking for his hug and what else would the best mom ever do? (ok I am pushing it but damnit I need some reassurance every now and then) So, we are in the middle of the best bear hug and I notice that his hair is wet. I think, "well isn't that lovely, your brother poured water on your head." NO, I was wrong....it is SYRUP! At this point I realize that not only is it in his hair and mine too, but also all over his entire body. I raced into the playroom only to find Kai has stripped down to his undies, and there is that fine drizzle of syrup over the entire room. Apparently he thought it would be fun to see just how far he could make the bottle go. He filled two hats and placed one over Drig's head, the other was for the unsuspecting Clifford stuffed dog. He had spoons and plastic egg halves partially filled, laying amongst the dinosaurs that are now posed eating from said containers. I had to call my mom, just so I didn't lose it. My morning was supposed to be so different but alas, the boys got a bath and the darn carpet got yet more cleaning. I swear it will wear out from my scrubbing, one day I will rub and the carpet will melt away in my hands. I love my boys, I love my boys, I love my boys....one day soon I can stop convincing myself.

And the other exciting news of the day...
Jay comes in tonight and announces that he is going to interview for a job in Tobago (as in Trinidad, like some island down by Venezuela) WHAT??? He has convinced Keara, she went to bed humming some island tune and asking if we can live on the beach? Again WHAT???? This will take me a couple of days to digest.

I think he must be on something, no truly!

Puff Piece

Do all kids like cheese puffs? Or as Kai says "cheese puffesses". Seriously there are certain foods that must just be universal "SHUT THE KIDS UP, FOODS." I am convinced of this. Example: have you ever seen a child refuse Pringles, fries, school pizza, or ice cream? I mean these are the wondrous foods that if you dangle them in front of any child, they will become mesmerized into a stupor. This is the perfect time for you to go potty by yourself, I tell ya! And yes there are some strange kids out there that won't fall for it but the majority will, so hey go for it! And the great part is that mostly you can feel ok about not just giving them candy (which is not against the law BTW) and really adding some kind of that damn pyramid into the mix!

I know strange blurb in my usually so deep blog, but every now and then I do have dumb down days!!!

Padraig's Story

Written a couple of days after his birth...

On Friday the 11th we went in for an u/s and found that the cord was near his neck. I freaked out and we tried to get the Drs to do something early but were told that I would probably end up with 2 amnios which have risks in themselves. So we worried all weekend and went back on Tuesday the 15th. We had another u/s and this time did color Doppler, found a lot of cord again under his chin, around his arm and just everywhere. The Dr. decided to go ahead and send us on the 16th to get the amnio.

Wed. morning we got to the hospital at 6am. They did the amnio at 7, which BTW I had no anesthetic and did not hurt at all, I was so scared but it was so easy. The Dr. commented that he was glad we were doing it because there was a "mile of cord in there". He told us he doubted that the quickest test would come back mature because he was 35 weeks. But at 10 or so he walked in with a big grin and said we were good to go.

I won't bore ya with all the section details lets just say it was long because I had a lot of scarring from the last one. At 11:40 Padraig was born 6lb 3oz, 18 in., with the cord wrapped around his neck once if we had waited the week, I don't think the outcome would have been good. They again said there was tons of cord. Plus the Dr. said my uterus was too thin to have labored so its good I didn't.

Padraig was taken with daddy to the NICU where they watched him. He did great and just needed warmth. He came in to recovery and started nursing like a champ. My recovery was great, this time they gave me a PCA so I was much better off. The first night went well. Padraig was good until about 5am the next morning. He had a spitting session and they whisked him off to the nursery where he apparently went blue. They told me that he went to NICU for blood sugar levels. I was a wreck because I couldn't go to NICU until they removed my Foley. They were delaying it every way possible because of stabilizing Padraig. They came in and had me pump and changed my meds before they finally got the Foley out at 8. I practically jumped out of bed to get down there. He was in a warmer with all these wires and stuff attached made my heart break. I did get to feed him and just hold him for awhile. To make a long story short, he stayed the entire day in there and was finally back with me in the evening. He stayed good for the rest of the stay!! We were released on Saturday.

Since coming home Padraig had to go to get weight checked that Saturday and Sunday because he lost too much in the hospital. Then on Monday we went back to see the Dr. He was back to 5lb 11oz. On Wednesday evening he stared the spitting again, so we took him back Thursday and we are now trying Zantac for Reflux. He also has an Inguinal Hernia so we are in the process of scheduling surgery for that. All in all he is the most precious little guy ever. He sleeps a lot more than the other two ever did which makes it easy for me J .

In the meantime, Keara developed a fever of 104 last week and is now on antibiotics, doing better. Kai just started his fever Sunday and is on antibiotic too, still has his fevers but he is a great sick kid. I developed a fever Sunday as well. Went in and had cervical cultures and labs. I am on antibiotics too and just barely hanging on. The upside is all my weight will be gone by the time this is over. Jason is a saint for sleeping on the floor and taking care of kids, me, house, laundry, everything! Keara is a little mama to Padraig and Kai is the cutest. He walks over all the time and in the highest pitched voice says "hey there". Then he softly kisses the back of his head. He truly loves him.

Kai's Story

Written acouple of days after his birth...

His story actually starts on the 30th of July. I started to notice that Kai was not moving around that much, being previously very active, I was slightly concerned but he still passed the kick count test. On Mon. he was basically the same and I just kept watch. Then Tues. we had our appt. with the NST. He was definitely off. He usually kicked the entire time but he wouldn’t move at all this time. The Dr. buzzed him and he did move then but still not usual. He had one decel so they sent us to the hospital for the Stress Test. I got my ctx going every five minutes and he seemed to tolerate them fine so they sent us home. On Wed. and Thurs. he continued to act lethargic…which is what I had told the Dr. on Tues. Then on Thurs night I started with regular ctx. every 10-12 mins. I debated going over to be checked but decided to shower and try to calm down to see what happened. As it turned out they died down and I went to bed. During these ctx. Kai was pretty active so I never worried there.

On Fri. morning I got up and decided to do the kick count because I had had such a stressful night before. I had coffee, orange juice and a poptart to get Kai going and laid down. In an hour I got only two rolls. I called the dr. and told them I was concerned so they had me come in at 1pm. When I got to the clinic at first they tried to tell me that this was totally normal and I had to bite my tongue or I would have cried…I have heard this so often and yet I also lost a son too, so I didn’t need that. Kwim? They decided to hook up the NST again and at first they didn’t get a heartbeat. My stomach was so queasy. Then we had the hb but he was not moving. They came in and did the buzzer again and this time not only did he not move but he deceled into the 80’s every time. I knew something was really wrong. They quickly rushed us over to the hospital again and hooked up the stress test. I started ctx again and this time he deceled and didn’t rebound good at all. The Dr. wanted to be very sure though so we stayed on the monitor for 2.5 hrs. In the meantime I told my mom to get her booty driving, cuz I was not leaving the hospital, even if they told me to!!

After all the monitoring, the Dr. decided that Kai was struggling….he thought I had uterine placental distress. I told him again that I felt Kai was lethargic and again he said that wasn’t the issue!! He debated on trying vaginal, just because I was so favorable but decided that if Kai was stressed with theses little ctx, how would really big ones do. So they said c-section. I was there in the observation room and all of a sudden everyone descended on me. They kicked Jay and Keara out and within five minutes I was being wheeled to the surgical room. Let me tell you, I was seriously shaking with fear! They wanted to do the general but I said the spinal would be fine! It all happened so quickly from there and felt like a dream. I couldn’t tell when he came out but when I heard him scream, man I cried uncontrollably. Then they started talking about his cord. The dr. said he had never in his career seen five loops around the neck. And once again I had a super long cord….Killian’s was 6ft. now I am convinced that it is genetic and in males for us.

I finally got to see Kai after what seemed forever and amazingly, he scored 8, 9 on apgars. He is such a doll. I won’t go into major detail about the recovery but lets just say, it wasn’t fun. I am allergic to all the narcotics they gave me. If you got this far thanks. We are just so thankful that Kai is alive. Jay was so sweet; he came into recovery to quickly say…"thank you for saving our son."

Keara's Story

Keara was my easiest birth. I have misplaced her story, so excuse the roughness of this account 7 years later....

Keara was a planned induction, given what had happened to Killian. Everything in her pregnancy was smooth. (ok I did have some aches and pains mostly my p. bone...and I did have some preterm labor issues but they resolved pretty easily) We had to be at the hospital at 6am, it was a 1 hr and 20 minute drive to get there, so we were dragging by the time we arrived. They hooked me up to all the monitors and the pitocin at about 7:30. By about 11am I started to get some pretty horrendous contractions. I already decided that this kid was gonna be an epi child so when they checked me at that point and I was 4.5cm, I said "Bring it on!"

They inserted the epi. OH how I fell in LOVE with my epi Dr. I think at that point I even told him so! LOL Anyway, I am the sort that gets paralyzed from the epi from the chest down. I cannot move a muscle. I am also allergic to whatever the narcotic that they use, so I itch intensely. Jay can account for the itching as I was asking him to be the scratcher (and if you know how it feels to itch on the inside, places you cannot reach, you will understand the agony I as well as Jay were in)

I finally reached 6cm at around 3:30-4. But I got stuck. My dr. had an emergency come in and said if I could go faster, he will be delivering but otherwise I had to have the BITCH dr. I had despised (you know the female dr. who simply tells you that you are too fat and need to stop overeating...umm I DID NOT overeat, I gained a lot more with Killian, ugh) So, I was freaking out. I could not think about having this woman in there. Finally my dr. came back and said he had to go, so I was stuck.

At 5ish I figured out that I hadn't been given a cath and that was keeping Keara too high. They came in and inserted one and OMG I have never seen that much pee...Jay was dying! But that was the trick. Keara decided about 10 minutes later to come on down. I went from the 6cm to the 10 in less than 30 minutes. At this point I decided that I wanted my mommy. I didn't know that Jay would tell the bitch dr. to back off if necessary but knew mom would. So she joined Jay and I in the labor room. (I did have to strictly advise that there were to be NO pictures of my hoohaw or boobies while she came out or breast feeding cuz my mom would have totally done that)

It took me a full 3 contractions...with 4 pushes each to get Keara out. At one point they asked me to stop pushing, yeah right, like that is gonna happen NOT. She came out and was not crying, so that worried me a lot. But she was just a quiet thing early on. She whimpered but nothing else. She got great apgars and was perfectly pink before they even cleaned her. I swear to G*d that all the nurses and drs all said she was so gorgeous. I didn't even see any blood on her when she was laid on my belly.

I had some tearing and an episiotomy but everything else was great. We went home and this time when I left I had a beautiful baby girl in my arms. It was the best feeling ever. Keara was perfect and I was so HAPPY.

Killian's Story

Written some time in the early months after his death...

We had been trying to get pregnant for so long. We starting charting temperatures and using the ovulation kits. In April 96 we finally did it. We were so excited. We went to the Dr. and confirmed it. Then I started to spot. We went in for an ultrasound to find that there was no sac. I had miscarried. We were completely devastated but nothing could prepare us for what was to come.

We waited the three long months after I m/ced to try again and everything went perfect. On August 30th we went to a James Taylor concert and conceived that night. (We decided that we would name a girl after him; Jenson Taylor.) Once again, we were thrilled. I started to spot again and we thought we were going to lose another baby. We went in for the u/s expecting the worse, but instead came out floating on a cloud. We had a heartbeat. We were nervous but we knew that if I got into bed the baby would be fine. I stayed in bed for 2 weeks until I started to not just spot but bleed. I remember it as it was yesterday, my husband and I were playing cards in bed and I thought I had just wet myself, we were laughing. Then I passed a clot that I thought was the baby (I'm sorry so graphic but that is what I thought.) My husband collected it on the Drs. advice to bring to his office in the morning. When we arrived, once again, I thought the worst. We got another u/s that showed a very strong heartbeat and placental abruption. Apparently this was the cause of the original bleeding as well. I was only 12 weeks at this point and resigned to bed rest. Well, at 14 weeks I went back to get yet another u/s (that we recorded) and discovered that all that rest had paid off. I was completely healed. Oh did I mention that I was not allowed to do anything? It was really hard on my husband but he was great. Finally I would be allowed to walk around and at least do some "light" activities. It sounds great so far and it was.

I started to show big for my duedate and I had some normal complaints...my son was extremely active and heartburn were two that come to mind. He also had hiccups all the time. I was going through what I considered normal.

I went in for my 36 week checkup on Tues. April 22, 1997, and everything was right on schedule. In fact, the Dr. said that if I were to go into labor they would not stop it. On Thurs. I was really feeling sick and stayed in bed most of the day. I noticed there wasn't much movement but I wasn't concerned because everyone had told me that it would slow down at the end. The next morning I noticed no movement. My son was not like that, so I called and they told me to do the kick count. I did it and nothing. I went to the Drs. office and they did the Doppler. They didn't get the heartbeat. My mom was with me (it was the only time my husband wasn't there). She kept telling me that he was probably in a position that they couldn't get it. I was already crying as if I knew. We did the u/s. Having had so many already, I knew what to look for. I didn't see the heartbeat and they confirmed my worst fear. My baby had died. I didn't know what to do. I had to call my husband and tell him. That was the hardest for me. My mom called my sister to have her drive my husband to the Drs. office and start the process.

My sister came and drove me and my husband home to retrieve some clothes for the hospital. The whole way I cried and laughed, I know now that I was in complete shock. We went back to the hospital and when I arrived the nurse asked me how far along I was...I didn't know how to answer, she thought they were going to induce my living baby. I had only that one bad experience. Everyone was wonderful to me.

I was very fortunate to have a quick labor. They broke my bags of water in the morning and I went through about 3 hours of really hard labor. Then, they decided it would be better if I had the epidural...I was having too many contractions too close together. The only bad part was the intense itching as I was allergic to something in it. I was at 4cm when the nurse told me that I would know when to call her because it would feel different. About 45mins later I called her back. She laughed and said it was too early, then she checked and saw the cord and the head. The Dr. barely made it in there and I was pushing. I only had to push four different episodes with about three bear-downs each time and I delivered.

My son was born still yet I know I was hoping that he would cry out. They were stunned by what they discovered had gone wrong. My cord was 183cm and normal is about 55cm. My Dr. was so shocked that he went to get a book to look up what this was all about. He had never seen anything like that. The cord actually hit the floor before my baby was all the way out. They cleaned him alittle and handed him to us. He was perfect, every feature. He had a full head of hair...long fingers and a beautiful face. He weighed 5lbs 11oz and was 18in. We immediately named him Killian Joseph. (I found out later that Killian means "little and warlike," so fitting.) We had originally decided that we didn't want anyone else to see him, but we changed our minds once we saw how perfect he was. Our families all got to hold him and love on him for those precious moments. We also took pictures and got his clothes and some hair, hand/foot prints to keep etc.

They did an autopsy and nothing was wrong with him. They have ruled this a cord accident. He was really lucky to have lasted as long as he did, without compressing such a long cord sooner.
I am still having a hard time with his passing and I know that he will always be with me. Recently someone asked me if I could relive one day the exact way it was originally what day would I choose? I would definitely relive the day my son was born still. That was a hard day for me but I would go back just to hold him and see my angel one more time.

Feminism

Well my viewpoint on this subject has done a 180. When I was 16, I thought the world would be in order as long as women had the same rights and jobs as men, with the same pay. I felt that my education and career were the most important aspect of my future. I was going to become the best damn lawyer and child advocate out there. I wasn't going to get married until I was well into my thirties and I really wasn't sure about children. If I decided on children, it would have to be a daughter and that's it! I was stubborn in any debate, often getting angry when someone questioned my knowledge on any subject. Politics only consisted of liberal views and you didn't want to get me started on the issue of abortion. (Umm Pro-Choice is not the opposite of Pro-Life) I was indeed headstrong.

Now looking back, I still view a lot of things the same but with a slightly more mature (hopefully) attitude. I still believe that women should be afforded the same rights and pay as men. I still think education is important, maybe not to the same extent, but still with great value to one's future. I still am the child advocate I once was, only in a different arena. When I got married, I saw my future in a different light. I allowed myself to be taken care of by a man. (OK I didn't know at the time....he had me removed from my work schedule and ultimately out of my job) But that being said, I didn't really argue the point much either...by then I was on my road to mommydom. The one and only thing on my mind was becoming a mommy. I puttered around our little apartment, scrubbing, cooking, and organizing (Yeah, Jay thought I was insane...he actually put his foot down when I had arranged his shirts in color scheme and alphabetized his cd collection...he could not find a damn thing thanks to me!) I no longer felt the need to fight for every woman out there. I was too busy laying on my back with feet propped waiting for the damn swimmers to finally make their destination. When that finally happened, I was pushed to the edge with my first miscarriage. Little did I know what would follow. Killian died and a part of my demand to be heard resurfaced. Thus my child advocacy years were emerging. Of course, it was no where near where I had expected it to be, I was actually fighting for my OWN children now. The beginning battles were just about having a voice in my ever complicated woes in childbearing. I wasn't getting anywhere with the drs and that started a fire that was familiar to anyone that had known me premarriage. After years of having to FIGHT for EVERY damn thing regarding the health of my children, I have finally come to understand my role as a moderate (ok maybe that's being too generous) feminist. I know that I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HEARD! It's strange that it actually is the role I had intended, just in a different form. I always knew that I would someday stand up for children's rights, I just had no idea it would begin with my own children. How strange the turns have become. So someday, I do in fact hope to swing another 180 and get back to "work" helping children other than my own. Someday, I hope to view the work I do now as the prehistoric age (I mean come on...a mother, wife, housekeeper and cook, bowing to my husbands needs?? How could I?) But for now I am grateful to carry the illusion that women and men need to have defined roles. I need to be home with my children (and I can't really afford to work as daycare is a whole other rant). It's become kind of defining in itself, that I can still have strong opinions and have a husband and children. (If my dad read this he would pee himself!)

Football

I know my stories about the kids are humorous (because I am quite witty, did I say that out loud? hmmm) Anyhoo, I also want this to be a journey of sorts for my kids to know me (they probably will die of embarrassment but oh well) I think the best way for me to to that would be to just pick random subjects and discuss how I feel....

So once again, if this kind of eclectic thinking drives ya nuts, then GO AWAY!

Football

Hey, you have to start somewhere and it's on tv, so?? I am a die-hard Niner fan. I grew up in the Bay Area, practiced soccer alongside of my Niners and it grew from there. I don't want any heckling, yes I know the state they have been in for a couple or ten years. They are still my HOME team. But the NFL is no longer my favorite in the football arena. I am a junkie for college ball too. Of course my beloved Auburn...I am biased but damnit we deserved a shot at that #1 last year. It is so awesome living amongst a team. Keara's school last year had Tailgate Day, with Carnell, and Ronnie and Jason Campbell all in attendance. How many kids 5 and 6 years old get to experience this? I mean Keara sitting on Jason Campbell's lap and pictures with "Cadillac" and Ronnie. How cool is that? This year the cheerleaders will come to her school a lot of Fridays and open the doors for the kids in the car line. I mean Keara wears her little cheer outfit and is in heaven. COOL. Anyway, back to my love of football. I can watch and NOT embarrass my husband which has been a HUGE bonus in our marriage. I can actually discuss previously played games without sounding like a moron. I don't argue or fight for the tv during football season (most weekends you will see me watching while he is off at work). My cousin played in college and I listened over the internet while I cleaned on Saturdays. Hell I almost went into labor at his HS playoff game, you are not going to see me quiet and seated at a football game. I can't remember ever missing the Superbowl. We always had these huge parties with our family (yes back then, I was normally cheering on my Niners) In fact one year they had to play at Stanford and we were out with the revilers cruising the streets after the Niners won. I can still see my grandfather's face tending bar and shouting madly at the little ones to "knock it off or take it outside" when they were being overly obnoxious for his taste. (that did not take much, however, I don't remember it with a sadness because that WAS Papa) I remember the beer, wine and food flowing freely. The atmosphere was friendly and hostile at the same time (we always had that guy who was rooting for the other team...he was relegated to the back or other room with the smaller tv...haha) We even had a tv stationed in the bathroom in case there was a urgent need to leave the party...you could not miss ANY part of the game. We played football in the yard at halftime, and I WASN'T a cheerleader! I played soccer for 13 years and each year my coach had us practice football as well. I LOVE FOOTBALL!

My Family, My Interpretation

Killian JosephPadraig Nicolas
Kai Thompson
Jason
Keara Makailynn

Wedding

So Silly I saw your wedding pic and decided that was way KOOL. So here is mine. Yes we had nine freaking attendants each and my brothers were ushers. Plus the two babies. We were freaking nuts! Look how young we are. BTW we are 10 years into this thing, 4 babies, 9 pregnancies and many sleepless nights and counting.

Sweet Keara

OK I didn't get back...get over it! I LOVE my sweet Keara. This morning she was using her Cheerios to create pictures while she ate. (She got such a good likeness to Jay hehehe) When she was leaving for school we were discussing Veteran's Day. How do you explain this to a seven year old? So I said it's a day for people that have served their country, such as going to war and such. So she looks back and says "Mom, I don't want to go to war, I want to be a Cheerios artist when I grow up." AAAWWWWWW

Another sweet Keara story....
She woke up this morning and told us about her dream last night. I knew she had a bad dream because my bed was invaded at midnight. Anyway, she tells me that she dreamt about a tornado. she said it was coming at her and I walked right over to the tornado and grabbed it. Then I tied it up and threw it away. How SWEET is that?!? She thinks I can always protect her. I fell all mushy just typing it out. LOVE MY SWEET KEARA!

Random Thoughts

What an eventful few days..........NOT! I am just recovering from all the sleep I finally managed to get. Jay was off 2 whole days in a row....I know I fainted too. So After I get up in the morn at 6 and make sure that Keara is dressed and beautified for school (Drig is sick yet again), I then head back to the king size heaven (and OMG I have it all to myself). I slept until 10 both mornings, ah it was sooooo nice. The crazy thing about my body though, I don't EVER feel rested, even with extra sleep. I dream WAY TOO MUCH! So, I mentioned Drig being sick again. GAWD, the boy can't stay healthy. The ENT put him on Tanafed and we will go back again in 3 weeks. He was only trying to pass his hearing test, but the damn tube is clogged and there is fluid stuck back there. UGH.

Yesterday we actually went out to Jay's work and shot some pics for our annual Christmas card. If you can believe it the shot we took first is the best. And I actually managed to get ALL three to smile!! Miracles happen everyday. So you know I named my blog and have yet to really discuss the impact Jay's job has on my life.....

Let me say as a disclaimer, I WILL NOT BASH ANYONE RELATED IN ANY WAY TO JAY'S JOB, NOR WILL I MENTION NAMES OF PEOPLE, PLACES AND POSSIBLY THINGS AT HIS JOB!

Being a golf pro's wife is mostly mundane. You expect the weird hours, long weekends, and endless discussion of weather. When you ask the question "How was your day at work?" you expect the same answer with two different versions, "It was great, pace of play was good!" or "It was ok, pace of play sucked!" Both of which didn't really satisfy my curiosity as to what really happened at work, but I am not privy to those sort of details. Every so often I must endure horrendous hours with the kids as a single parent because Jay must arrive at work at 5am and will not return home until dark thirty some time. During those said days, I usually find the kids at their most beastly and I lack patience more than I normally would. Jay will come in and say he is tired and thus spend the evening in the recliner asleep. I therefore don't speak with an adult for sometimes 3 full days. So if you do encounter me on the fourth day, I might sound like 4 year old and talk incessantly.

*will add more in a few, Drig just tore off is diaper and is running about marking his territory!

Depeche Mode

I LOVE Depeche Mode. I have been a fan for oh 22 years...saying that is really scary. I saw them in concert the first time when I was 16. It was a beautiful night out with a great guy, Steve. We had so much fun. Then I saw them in '94 with my BIL. That was another GREAT night. We danced in the aisles even when the damn security asked us not to. And I just got to see my beloved band again on Sat. Jay and I went to Atlanta, a two hour drive but worth every second. I actually left my kids with a friend and his girlfriend, I only asked to call and check 5 times, all of which Jay said HELL NO! I decked out in my least conspicuous 80's garb and did my very tamed 80's doo. It was marvelous to feel like that 16 year old again for a couple of hours. And my beloved played "Somebody" which I had yet to hear live. It is my absolute favorite song! Great night out.

A Conversation Between Keara and Kai

Kai: "Is it tomorrow?"

Keara: "No, it's today."

Kai: "No, but is it tomorrow yet?"

Keara: "Yesterday it was tomorrow today, but today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow."

Kai: crying and screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO, it is not today, yesterday you said it would be tomorrow and now it IS tomorrow."

Keara: "Kai, I can't help you buddy!"

Keara's Birthday

Keara's birthday was a success. She was so excited to go to school. I sent in a cake mix and the teacher helped her to bake it. She also received an ice cream at lunch "and no one else did!" We decorated the living room with streamers and balloons....she thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she got home. Her brothers each got her a Barbie pet pack and we gave her a Princess scarf, hat and gloves. Then we told her she could pick something out at the store. She had our money and some other relatives which gave her enough to buy a FurReal Puppy. His name is Scamps and I have to go off on a tangent here....

Scamps the puppy has really brain fu-ked me! You see this little dog can speak, beg, shake, and even become stubborn. If he decided to NOT do one of the afore mentioned, he simply WON'T. So we were working really hard to get him to shake and the damn dog was not having it. When he finally did it....I went on and on "ohhhh good puppy, great job, good pup, good doggy!" Then I started petting the damn thing and I really got sucked in. I mean he felt REAL. So now the dog that I am pet sitting for, is asleep on the couch and I am incessantly warning "sssssssssshhhhhhhhhh, don't wake Scamps!" I have been suckered. BahAHHHhhahhhha

Another random thought here. Jay is jealous. What in the world for you ask? I don't have the slightest idea. He says that I might find someone better someday and he just tries like hell for that not to happen. WHAT? It's too early for this thought, so I'll come back and formulate a better dialogue here.

Nothing on my agenda today! YEAH. I might even go get dressed now...MAYBE

Happy Birthday Keara

HAPPY 7TH BIRTHDAY SWEET KEARA

Mean Girls

Yesterday was another of those hectic wild days. I thought I would get some rest because Jay was supposed to be off. NO, didn't happen. So instead of a well rested body, I was hyped all day on caffeine trying to keep myself going. Keara had a bad day. Her words, not mine. She didn't seem to get *in trouble* but she said some of the girls she usually plays with didn't want her to play. The thing is we had the same issues with this little girl last year. Keara just can't seem to stay away from her and is so sucked in by the whole thing. I have tried to veer her in a different direction and we're hoping she will go that way today. This little girl isn't even in her classroom this year but they meet up on the playground. Last night she just had such sad eyes, yk? GAWD it just breaks my heart when she is sad. So after we had a complete meltdown over how big her slice of cheesecake was, I brushed her for twenty minutes, while coming up with ideas on how to avoid the conflicts at school. It is truly amazing what a little brushing will do for her. She came up with the idea to bring a tiny one to school and brush her arms when her skin feels weird. Jay is concerned that she will be teased. I think if it makes her FEEL better, then hell, bring it. It is so hard to see your daughter and know that she is different from her peers. She is the most enthusiastic child around but that isn't truly *COOL* so it appears odd. I really don't care what THEY think but you know at some point it will hit the fan and she will care. Right now she can't figure it out in her head. She is such a pleaser and when they get those snotty attitudes she thinks she has done something mean to them. I just keep preaching that same lesson....if they aren't being nice, move on to someone else. When she was upset yesterday, the boy who loves her said that all she needed to do was ask and he would have played with her...how sweet and scary is that? The sad part about this all is that these children have to come upon this behavior from somewhere. They have models that are doing the exact same thing. I know, I've met those women! Keara will be ahead later but in the meantime it is breaking my heart!

Downtown Halloween

Halloween is such a fun but hectic occasion. The kids have to be fed and changed into those impossible to get on outfits all while they are running the course of the house YELLING at the top of their lungs something about getting C A N D Y. And this is when, as a really bright mommy, I am thinking, yes just what these little beasts need-more fuel in those already overexcited little bodies. But, alas, I may be bright but I'm also a sucker for the holidays and this is no exception. (We do actually receive the payback for all of our obnoxious behavior as a child. We just have to wait for our own kids to eat a billion snickers and barf on us.) My Ms. Kitty Fairy, Power Ranger and Buzz Lightyear did awesome in getting ready. They were so excited. We go downtown every year because it is just the safest place to be. (Sadly, I can't ever see a time that my kids will have the same enjoyment we did at Halloween. I remember frolicking carelessly through the streets, in the streets and among the bushes for that matter, all in the cover of darkness and for the most part unsupervised. I don't see that happening in this house EVER.) This years festivities were just as great as always. The only difference was that ten times the people showed their scary masks last night. Anyone who has navigated through a crowd with 3 small children (one that stares aimlessly to the sky, one that is falling sideways from fatigue and one that is terrified by the sight of the Darth Vadar kid behind him) knows that a HUGE crowd is only going to disturb what could ordinarily be called difficult but manageable and turn it into that nightmare you have about total loss of control. The kids have only so much pushing power and this mommy gets easily claustrophobic. Daddy does his best impersonation of a wide-eyed seven year old boy in the candy store. (I'm sure he is drooling with anticipation over the heaps of sugar that he will eventually confiscate from the pumpkins the kids are filling) They did fine for the most part. There was the dancing though. (I try like hell to become part of the surroundings, unfortunately my kids think that it is their duty....obligation, to make sure that we are the center of everyone's universe. Why oh why can't they just be good little, blah fixtures that are just part of the scenery and not the main attraction? I was not meant to be ogled by MANY spectators, giving appropriate "ooohs and ahhhs" abound. I was supposed to be on the outside doing that. But I digress.) So, the kids decided to put on their extravagant show. Keara doing some kind of gypsy dance that can only be accomplished using a FULL street corner. Kai doing his best ninja moves. And Drig shaking booty. (OK Drig's booty shaking dance was quite cute.) After we had collected our fee for providing the locals entertainment, we made our way down and OUT of there. On the way out we were lucky enough (or perhaps it's that the kids really are THAT cute) to get pom-poms from some of the Auburn girls that were NOT technically handing them out but "hey what the heck these kids are so damn charming we will give them ours!" Keara and all her issues, decided to scream and carry on as though we were beating her when we finally reached the road to leave. UGH But alas, I maintained composure and we did exit gracefully, albeit LOUDLY, to our car. The kids had a great Halloween and mommy and daddy are gonna get FAT!

Happy Halloween

Drig as Buzz Lightyear

Keara as Ms. Kitty Fairy

Kai as Police Power Ranger

Tony...Tony...Tony

I'm back. I am sitting here watching my race. I just love Sundays. And for all of you that believe Nascar is about being a redneck....and I once did too....it is so not about being a redneck to me. I LOVE Tony Stewart. He is the sexiest man alive...shhh don't tell Jay (actually Jay knows I feel this way and is QUITE jealous) Tony is leading the Chase and I have a heart attack every race I watch. The kids are involved in this too. Too bad their guy Jr. isn't in the Chase (insert that wicked little giggle here) Jay is a Jr. fan too (again, so sorry your guy sux!) I started watching Tony in his rookie year and I have been hooked since. Of course for my West Coast friends this is like the signature on the dotted line...I am a redneck to them. GAWD my head is so warped from the lack of uninterrupted sleep I've been getting, I have NO idea where I was headed. That too should not be a surprise to anyone that knows me well. Since having these beasts (oh my word, did I just say that?) I have not a clear thought and therefore sentence leave these lips. I spend the majority of my days saying phrases as "Stop it! That is not a good choice sir! Would you like that to happen to you?" You get the picture. Oh did I say that TONY IS SEXY! Just thought you should know how I feel. (Again I NEED smilies)

Every single time I sit at this damn desk, the kids come to me and NEED something. Can't they see I have a life and I AM TYPING DAMNIT! Obviously not, because as I type this Keara has decided to come read over my shoulder. Isn't that wonderful? See and after all that, I am still just fixated on Tony. I will tell you, he is just so yummy and I truly could eat him up! (so don't let your kids read this...and yes Keara is gone now)

Speaking of eating, what is up with my frickin' body? I swear I can eat good, bad or indifferent or I can not eat at all and I don't change in size. WTF? Oh well, gotta love them beasts anyway. See the general theme, my kids er beasts as they are today, have dictated EVERY damn thing about me. Again WTF? Now that I have totally baffled even myself, I guess I need to come back later. (And ya know baffle Biffle see it goes back to Tony....)

More Randomness

Why do I get sick every Halloween? Maybe I am phobic. Which would not be that odd since I do have some really strange ones. Like pumping gas....what in the world is that about? I can do it but man the anxiety attack that ensues, UGH. So here I sit sick again. Drig was out all last week and Keara came home sick Fri. so it shouldn't surprise me in the slightest. What is odd is that for every Halloween since I can remember, I have been sick. And I adore Halloween. Maybe that's it, I get myself in a frenzy and then sickness takes over. (You know I need smilies, can't get through this without the shoulder-shrugging one.)

I've noticed that when I have a thought I often don't write it because it makes me appear cluttered (my brain that is). And to that I say, indeed it is. So for now on I will write away and insert those little peevish ideas that pop into my brain in parentheses. Maybe you can follow my train of thought or for those that can't well just don't read!

It amazes me that my daughter given all of her fantasies, is so not into those Junie B. or any other fictional girl character books. What she does enjoy to read are fact books. Last night she was reading the star book and trying to remember the order of the planets. Do you remember that little saying that we learned to remember the planets? I couldn't but AHHH the wonders of the internet. So there seem to be several but the one I like is "My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas." I also found some really crude variations that indeed are not suited for the 6 year old mind. (ok this is the first one, see if you recognize the awkwardness of thought going on here...the six year old in my house acts an awful lot like a 12 year old that I once was...and yes that is possible because this 12 year old was very naive and lacking in the world knowledge that surrounded her. I didn't experience that epiphany that you know I was better than my parents, smarter and such until a much later date. On the contrary, Keara already goes through that mom can't know or do anything as good as she can. I simply cannot get it right even if I have the operating instructions under my nose....THEY LIE, ALL OF THEM!)

Kai is such a whiney boy these days. Much to my dismay, because I actually thought (yes I am a dope) that boys wouldn't get as whiney as their counterparts. Boy was I wrong (There must be a reason they use that expression...you know what I mean?) So he is either some kind of whiney nagging twerp or a big scary Dinosaur. Between the two, I don't know which I prefer. He does get the short end of the stick, though. Being a middle I know too well what it is about to be shoved aside for more pressing big kid moments or dire baby times. Kai is a scrappy kid. He finds his voice every time I think he might go into the woodwork. (Ah that was really a nice little picture of Kai. He is soooo much his mamma's son)

Drig about wore my last nerve to a shred yesterday. He has ISSUES! I guess it is hard for me because I just throw on clothes (yes I do look like I do that, probably all the stares I get...hmmmm) and then go. I don't give a flying hoot if there is a tag, seam, hanging string, long sleeves, short...I just go. Drig has issues with every damn piece of clothing there is. So I put on his sweatshirt and ya know it has long sleeves, what was I thinking? He screams until you get it perfectly adjusted about half way up his arm. He will tug at tags until they are gone. Pants cannot be too long but heaven help me if they are to short. (see again I need the damn smilies...you know profanities pop in my brain about every other word. I really am good with self control because even though it may appear as though I swear too often, imagine if I didn't sensor this dirty brain of mine.) Ok where was I? Oh yes, Drig's issues. He will scream and I mean his face turns shades of purple polkadots for what seems to drag on for hours. In reality it is probably more like 20 minutes but still. He does this and there is no distracting him from what ever freakish thing that is causing him trouble. But when he is done, he is done. It hurts to watch him cry. Yesterday the one that about sent me over the edge....he is trying to learn to use the potty. He takes care of business but then wants to be naked only to find a corner to mark (how did I give birth to 2 animalistic boys...I swear they are always so primitive) Anyhoo, I struggled with the boy for a full hour to get either a diaper, pullup or undies on that naked butt. Do you think I won? Of course I didn't. (If one more child comes up to me and nags about one more thing....UGH, of course you must read between the lines, because for every UGH there has got to be some kind of really awful four letter word inserted at least five times) So I can't even finish my train of thought here, Kai needs juice, Drig has broken his Space Ranger Ship once again and Keara is getting peanut butter all over her nose. BE BACK LATER....(just noticed, I love using them ....)

My Beauties

Keara and Kai Moments

Keara had a field trip yesterday to the pumpkin patch. Normally one of us would go but with Drig in school (and we didn't know he would be out sick all week) I didn't want to do a sitter and Jay is having a big tourney that they were preparing for. Anyway, as she is getting ready, I was giving her instructions, yk? "listen to the teacher and all the moms, keep up with the group, wash your hands with the sanitizing gel I put in your bag, sit in the middle on the bus...etc" Anyway, she went off rolling her eyes and then on the way to school told Jay to come home and tell me "Mom, I will be just fine today. I can handle everything! Don't worry!" WAHHHHH, where did my baby go.

When she came home from school, she tells me "mom, this picture on the wall is horizontal and this picture is vertical." She is such a sponge of information. I swear you tell this child something one time and she has it locked away for eternity. She also explained the differences in certain mediums of art. Apparently they used some oil pastels today. "You know kinda like crayon texture mom" is how she explained it to her nim-wit mom.

Kai Goings On

He is in the bedroom with the tv volume up super loud and I hear chanting. So, I look to see what he is watching....More Reflections with Father Leo Clifford. It is some Catholic service done old style (not Latin but everything in the singsong type voice kwim?) Well my boy is a bit odd!

He was sitting with Keara and she wasn't giving him the time of day. He says to her "you are so cute and pretty." This remark obviously didn't prevail upon Keara so Kai turns to her and says, "Keara you are hideous!" (side note...I don't use this word often, I know he gets most of his fowl language from me, but I swear not THIS)

We were in the Dr's office today. It's the same one we saw on Mon. So Kai says to the Dr. "I broke my dick!" OMG the look on the Dr's face was priceless. He turned, speechless to me and open mouth, slack jaw says "Errr, ummm I don't know what to say to THAT!" Of course me being the quick thinking, always on her toes mom I respond "we haven't mastered the 's' sound yet....he meant his Stick." (the Dr. gave him a tongue depressor on Mon.) But man I so wished I had a camera for that look. It was sooooo worthy of some kind of award.

To My Angel - Killian Joseph

Angel To Light My Way

A part of my inner being left that night
How will I survive?
You lived inside such a wonderful world
We never heard you cry
But we ponder it as the most beautiful sound
The powerful thud of your long feet
I felt every movement with pleasure
I will survive knowing you are at peace
A place I have not ventured
Yet somehow I imagine pleasant serenity
You appear often in my thoughts
Showing your bright energy in the clouds
Dark days are behind
For today I have an angel to light my way


April Star

Sweet angel, April star
Your hair was fine and silky
Eyes of a special kind
Those long fingers limp
I knew those feet were meant for something powerful
To dance on clouds and prance with style


Question

A mother’s place is with her child
Why then, am I all alone?
A mother’s love is enduring
We all need to look above
My heart is beginning to heal
My soul is forever changed
The depth is surrounding me
When a mother is left to explain
The only answer is a question
A question of seeing her child again


Inspiration

The little boy wandered through the dark lonely sky
Until he caught his mother’s eye
She was smiling, feeling warm
He knew then, on that Christmas morn
His prayers were answered, his calling was true
He joined the ranks and started anew
She whispered "I love you" and a tear came down
He caressed her heart without a sound
Today is the start of something special
A new beginning for her dying vessel
She laid her head on her husband’s lap
They knew then, how to fill the gap
Finish the family, fill a need
Make this Christmas, by planting a seed

Time Is Right

We watched the hazy clouds roll by
As a teardrop fell from our eyes
We had to say goodbye today
To our child, in the ground he lay

Go play with those who went ahead
We will not look at this with dread
Mommy and Daddy are here with you
Visit us when we are blue

Show us the light and get us by
Travel with us when we cry
Whisper softly in our ears
Don’t fret son, we will hear

Gentle reminders to guide us through
So we can begin fresh and new
You will never be far from our thoughts
We will learn from all you’ve taught

Someday we will join you way up high
We’ll come and play with you in the sky
Until we do, try to be
Up in the clouds so we can see

We love you more than you’ll ever know
We’ll carry on so we can show
Our love is with you day and night
We’ll be with you when the time is right


Angel In The Night

Angel in the night
Angel in the sky
Let us see the light
Let us quite rely

Our house is filled with sorrow
Our house is filled with grief
We hope that there’s tomorrow
We hope that there’s relief

Dark wonders of the universe
Dark wonders of the day
Travel through our souls reverse
Travel through Your way

Slowly, softly, carefully
Quickly, loudly, carelessly
Stepping with foundation
Tripping with hesitation

We will see the light
We will just get by
Angel in the night
Angel in the sky

God’s Rarest Breed

Angel, Little Wonder
Little Promise, Little Boy
We didn’t get to love on you
Or let you bring us joy

Our arms are filled with emptiness
Our hearts are filled with pain
We search for all the answers
Our response is only rain

He called for you to fill a need
We know that you’ll succeed
You are special in this universe
You are God’s Rarest Breed

A gift to let the stars shine bright
To help each of us see His light
They can’t tell us about the power of love
‘Cuz you were sent for from far Above

How were we to know
When we were planting your tiny seed
How important it was for you to grow
Into God’s Rarest Breed

Killian-Little and Warlike

Joseph-Gentle and Saintlike

The name we chose was no mistake

We were blessed with insight into what you’d make

We know you fought until the bitter end
We didn’t know you were to ascend

We were lucky, the few, the rare
We held an angel, it seemed unfair

Blessed for a hint of time
And yet we felt so sublime

Our pallets were moistened, our curiosity struck
We had a lifetime with you in the tick of a clock

We Have An Angel

Living life on a whim
Never a care about Faith,
Mystery and Hope for the future
These chances did not exist

Life was about living, not worrying
Life embraced the heart
Life led without questions
Life worth being with no meaning

Not until that April Day
Chance became our reality
A spirit came alive somehow
A glimmer of hope and peace touched

One Day, one tiny light entered
How ironic it was
Our child died but conviction born
Belief that we will survive

A bright star now shines our way
Beautiful music making clouds dance
A gift to show us ever love
We have an angel to guide us through

Mimi

Until We Meet Again


We’ve been through it all
We had our ups and downs
We had the good and bad

Somehow I imagined you’d never fade

You taught me love
You showed me spirit
You gave me strength
And you allowed me laughter

Words cannot express the sorrow and sadness;
Emptiness and longing in my heart
You shine in the stars now
An Angel of light

My world is not the same
Until we meet again
Thank you

I am an IDIOT

So I have been living in bliss. It seemed too good to be true and alas it is. I love Jay. I just hate the fact that he is so so so dumb sometimes. So awhile back I had some really serious health issues. I have a heart valve problem and for months I was experiencing chest pains daily. We determined that I needed less stress to get better. One thing that was very stressful was doing our finances. See, I don't work and Jay has a great job but with 3 children, his job just doesn't pay enough. He decided he needed to take over the bills for me and reduce that part of my stress. It worked, I have been without chest pains for about 6 months now. I didn't even open bills but I did often ask Jay how it was going and reminding him to be vigilant in paying blah, blah, blah. Well, yesterday I did open a bill and guess what, Jay was screwing up BIG TIME. So I went back over several bills and discovered he has been late on select bills every single month for months. The kicker to this is that every one that has all these late payments are in MY name. Plus he put all the cards onto one card...you guessed it MY CARD! So, here I sit with mounting debt in my name and late fees and BAD CREDIT. It sux! Jason just doesn't even GET IT. He is so dumb sometimes. Now what? I don't have a clue. I could get a job and that would cover daycare....so what good is that? I NEED to get my teeth worked on, they are full and I mean like EVERY single tooth of cavities. I am so sick about this. I was hoping I could do my teeth this year but now with Christmas and Keara's bday we can't even think about it. So I can cry and again that won't do any good. I just was so happy to feel happy you know? I guess I am stupid too. The weird thing is I don't care about money but I don't want my kids to NEED things they can't have. I just don't want to be lied to. I just want to be happy!

Kids

Keara at her award ceremony

Kai in his costume

Drig with his big boy backpack

Suburban Bliss

Today was such a nice relaxing day. That is amazing to say. We still got out of bed at 7 but it wasn't the rush and the tears over socks and breakfast. We leisurely ate and watched a little tv. Then the kids played in bliss in their playroom. AHHH they were so happy to be with their beloved dinosaurs and they didn't even make a mess. Drig spent the morning on the computer. He is infatuated with the Paint program. He makes the most gorgeous, bizarre pictures. He is better with the program than I. I made 6 dozen peanut butter cookies, half with a dollop of chocolate in the middle. YUM Then I made Jay a sirloin roast, garlic/butter pasta, and corn. We drove it over to the course and he was in heaven too. When we finished lunch we went outside and played in the leaves, trying really hard to fill those big pumpkin bags...Kai is the only one that actually accomplished this. Drig stayed focused on the sand table for the most part and ended up with sand from head to toe. Keara was busy telling everyone "pretend to do such and such" as she does incessantly throughout the day. Kai asked me "do I have to play the way she says I do?" I said "no honey just ignore her that's what mama does!" Of course I should be careful about what I say because apparently the little shit repeats it to my dad of all people. He told my dad that he "was just pissy because he was hungry!" We all know what my dad did. LOL Then let's see Jay came home from work and we played outside some more, dinner, bath and bed. Everything was wonderful about today until my Auburn got beat in OT and broke my heart :( Now I will go and PRAY for another day of bliss with my kids. Sad but true that I do actually have to pray for these things...

Boys...Boys...Boys

After much work and sweat and yes some tears (not mine but I'll get to that) we have finally gotten the smell out of the carpet in the play room. You see, Jay has a preoccupation with children's movies, in this case it was Pooh's Heffalump Halloween. He was watching in earnest all the while the boys had taken an entire gallon of milk and poured it in the closet of the play room. I was at a meeting and upon my return, Kai and Drig had been relegated to the couch. I ask what is up and receive the death glare from Jay. At this point I find out what the boys had done and decide to scold their daddy first. Well approximately 2 hours later, Drig is "playing" while I vacuum the living room. I walk in to find that, YES, another gallon of milk has been emptied on the floor in the play room. So at this point we have to rent a steam cleaner. We did the entire house while we at it and that was great. But after that, the smell just lingered. Apparently the foam underneath does not clean up so well. Long story short, we had to replace the padding under the carpet, rent the steam cleaner again, spray the shit out of the carpet with some enzyme thing and today, a week later, we have finally got the play room back in order. The crying had to do with a mama that lost her wits when the second gallon dispersed over the carpet. The boys were banished from the room and have been begging to get their toys since then. Thus I will actually have two very HAPPY boys tomorrow. Kai tells me how he "misses all of his precious dinosaurs." BAHHAHA Gotta love my boys!

Update

So we had Jay's parents here this weekend. Went great :) We were outside and the kids were running up and down the hill out back. Keara is screaming about a monster and her Guinney says "no, monsters only come out at night!" (don't get me started on her lack of granmotherly skills LOL) Anyway, Keara replies "no these monsters are not nocturnal!" GAWD this is normal speak for Keara too. Can she be more mature? She is such a little lady. I went over to her school tonight and she is just doing so wonderful. I did have to laugh though at the story about herself. She wrote that she has a doll named Elisha that she bought herself. WHAT? Did not know that. She also says she plays soccer every night....um she tells us "girls DO NOT play soccer!" So again, WHAT? LOL But all and all, she is doing so great.

Padraig

I have a disabled son. WOW. I have spent so much time trying to get him the help he needs, I never stopped to think about what all this means. Padraig is such a sweet boy. He loves so fully and plays and laughs and hugs and all the other wonderful things 3yr old boys do so wonderfully. He is a GREAT kid. He is trapped, though inside his own skin. He can't talk. He has a severe articulation disorder. He tries so hard and cannot do it. So, I finally got him into the special needs PreK. He is going 4 days a week for 3 hrs a day. He is enjoying it so far...although he has had a sobbing period everyday. He will get adjusted. They are going to teach him signing, gesturing, and picture identification. I think this will take away some of his frustration. I have to learn a new language, just hope they can teach an old dog new tricks. LOL Anyway, this is so new to me and I guess I just need some mourning time, yk? Does that make sense? I don't love him any less in fact I appreciate him so much more for all that he has been through and will go through in the future. I just LOVE my DRIG beyond words. HAPPY BIRTHDAY PADRAIG, LOVE YOU SWEET BOY!