Saturday, April 29, 2006

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Nice day!

Went riding at the course....BEAUTIFUL

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


Dear Killian

My tiniest angel, you would be 9 today. I cannot believe how the time flies. I can still feel your soft, beautiful skin. Your tiny fingers wrapped around mine. I feel your long toes kicking my stomach and that special roll that only you could do. Remember the game we would play? You kept mama entertained for hours. And you would gently nudge your daddy when he was hogging your space with mama. It was so fun. We are so blessed BECAUSE of you. Keara, Kai and Padraig are wonders. YOU did that. You gave me so much clarity with your passing. THANK YOU! My heart aches when I imagine your last hours but I promise I don't dwell on it anymore. I wake in the morning hours and your song is heard. I can still see that cloud you sent me, it is glorious.

I wonder what you would be like now. I can only imagine that you would be a compassionate, loving, and gentle young boy. You would be enjoying soccer and baseball, perhaps playing golf with your daddy. You would be a GREAT big brother. I can imagine your silky hair would be going in a hundred different directions and you wouldn't care at all. Your smile would light everyone's life. We sure miss you.

I know it has been 9 years but there will never, ever be a day to go by that I don't ache at my core for you. I MISS YOU! But mama can't stay down, I made you a promise a long time ago and I will hold up. I will see the positives and remember you in a good way. I LOVE YOU!

Love Mama

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Thinking back

There were *special* people in my life along the way and for some reason I have either lost touch or they have.

CC- You were the one that really could just take me for who I am. You had patience and a kindness in you that I deeply miss. I want THAT kind of friendship back. I think I probably hurt you in the most profound way and I am so sorry, I was stupid and young.

PK- Wow we were a pair and I miss that too. You were the wise one, the one that could "put me in my place". Maybe that's why we stopped talking, I couldn't hack the truth back then. I wish I knew you now.

SG- When I heard that you died...I cried for days. Man you were my mom for so long and helped in ways that I can't even describe. SO SAD.

BB- Well you will always be my soul mate. I just know that when we do communicate, although it is not often enough, that you *get* inside my brain and understand everything. You were right about us. We would have ended bad again. I loved every minute while it lasted though.

GM- I really miss you. We had so much fun and I got you like you got me. Maybe we can still go back. The others interfered and they are idiots, which I am sure you would say "told ya so". LOL I hope we will find our way back.

SE- I guess time and motherhood has just taken it's toll on us. I know that you are still there as I am for you. We'll get it back together one day. I am so proud to know you!

TB- UGH this is such a complicated one. On one hand, I still feel like I know you but then I think I never really knew the real you anyway. I know one element and I know there has to be more but I am so reluctant to dig. I do enjoy your playful teasing. Maybe I will try harder one day but right now this is it.

SM- OMG you are so missed. I don't even have a clue where you are. I still love to iron.

AM- Ok so I saved ya for last. I don't even know what I feel about you. You saved me and will always be my protector. It's an odd thing and you know why. I still adore your candid talk with me. I miss your arms. (In a really innocent way) You *KNOW* me at a level that I can't explain or hint at with anyone else. Was it totally I don't know. I am where I am and I chose it, you didn't but I think that may be easier to deal with....doesn't make sense. You will always be there!

WOW, that felt good.

Saturday, April 22, 2006


Some friends lost their baby. They weren't very far along but the pain is still devastating. So the kids decided to make a care package...cookies, cards and their picture sign. As difficult as they may be at times, they are truly compassionate little beings...for that I am very proud.

We were going to deliver the items but me being me, I lost my vision before we could. I am really sick of this. I have been taking ibuprofen as a profalactive about an hour before driving. It has been working pretty well. Yesterday I didn't need the morning dose because Drig didn't have school. I waited until it was time for Keara's pickup and apparently it was too late because I lost it about the same time I was to dose. Today again, no need for the morning dose so I waited, same reaction. Makes me frustrated. I don't know how much of the ibuprofen is too much but it looks like I HAVE to take it all the time to keep my vision. UGH And today, MY HEAD HURTS. Most of the time I don't get the pain that bad, maybe a dull ache but today it is THROBBING! So I'll wait on Jay to get home and go to bed. I really wish my body didn't act like this.

At least we did something nice for someone....hope it is well received!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

My life is a joke and I'm so not laughing...

Since I don't ever manage to get here daily I will just start by saying it's not because I am so busy out of my house or away.

Keara- Well we have finally reached the point where she needs to get professional help. I am so so sad for my little girl. She is terrified of bees. We have tried everything. She has been seeing the counselor at school and we finally decided she needs more. She has fear issues. UGH So we are now trying to find her a good counselor that she will click with. She has gotten to the point where she doesn't want to go outdoors. She doesn't even want to go on her class fieldtrip because they will be outdoors. :( Isn't that the saddest thing ever? GAWD it just really tears me up. She has been researching bees as well as storms and right now I actually think she knows more than I about these topics. Her school counselor was literally shocked at her knowledge. I can't say that I am because Keara is brilliant. (I mean how many first graders are reading the sixth grade level books, doing fractions, multiplication and writing books) Or maybe I am just soooo proud :) Her other ailment right now is her back. We have discovered that her back is really crooked. Her spine can literally make an S shape. Plus her right hip and shoulder sit about 3 inches higher than her left. I'm thinking it could really explain her coordination problems and lack of physical prowess. LOL No really we have set up an appointment for that too. Just money ya know. HA

Kai- Well he has not let us down in the boredom department. The other day, I was talking on the phone with Keara's counselor, Kai was playing in the sink. I'm thinking at least he is *contained*. HAHAHAHA The joke was on me. You see, the next move I made was to start the dishwasher and then leave the room for more cleaning elsewhere. Kai had put dishwashing soap ie. Palmolive in the dishwasher. When I returned to the kitchen the entire floor was well bubbles! Kai thought it was a riot, me not so much. FUNNY stuff in this house. Kai is a really sweet kid. Last night he told me that he was the reason Nan-Nan and Poppi's dog died. He said he fed her some of his food and he knows it was wrong. He did it while my mom wasn't looking and he thinks that is why the dog is dead. How freaking sad is that? Damn, another kid in counseling I guess?? So we explained the best we could and we will continue to reinforce that he did not kill the dog. UGH

Drig- He is doing pretty good. He pooped in the potty for the first time last week. He was so proud. He still isn't consistent but he is making great strides. He is learning to not scream everytime something doesn't go his way...not an easy task for a child that cannot communicate. He is a sweet boy.

Jay- hmmmmm, not much going on there. Discovered that he has doubled our debt since he took over....oh well it's just money right? So we are gonna have to get a loan and start fresh. Of course the only way to get said loan is from his parents collateral. LOVELY.

Me- Well the good news is I have started to take care of me some. The bad news is I got the bill for what my teeth will require....$9600. YEP I don't know if that can happen. I plan on having my *pressure wash* as my mom refers to it sometime very soon. And I am in search of a good Internist. I have been tracking fevers, rashes and other symptoms...hopefully this round we can get some answers besides take this medicine and we'll see if it works (I won't go that route again...I can't survive the depression) So we will see. I know there is more but I have used too many brain cells on this, must save some and not be outwitted by the boys!

Sunday, April 16, 2006


Happy Birthday to Me

Well I made it to the age of 34. The funny thing is I am soooo soooo happy about it. You see since I was at least 8 I always had this guttural feeling that somehow I would not be around after 33. Weird, I know but I never claimed to be normal. (Well maybe that one time but shhh don't tell) You know in years past I just really have disliked my birthday. Probably due to the fact that in my mom's tradition, birthdays are supposed to be HUGE. She tries to make you feel super special and like a princess. As a kid this was great but as I grew older, I found that I wanted that and then was disappointed when everyone else was too busy to deliver. So I just started kinda ignoring the day...less disappointment that way. Well this year I was kinda doing the anticipation thing again. And it was a mistake. I got a phone call from 2 of my 4 siblings and my mom/dad. Plus my ex (yes I still talk to him) called me from his workplace. My dear husband couldn't be bothered all day to call me so I did rub the fact that my ex called (long distance) from work. Keara was the sweetest. She has been drawing all sorts of pictures at school and she gave me an envelop full. She even made confetti. I LOVE pure kid gifts, made on their own and with all that sweet love. I did get the book I wanted...woohoo. That was it. Well from my mommy and daddy gave me two shirts, a pasta canister (very pretty) and the most beautiful framed poem by Mother Theresa (really who I did Mimi) and I know they are getting me a printer as well. Last year Jay's parents completely missed my day all together, this year they wished me happy a day late but at least they said something. Anyway, I was in a shitty mood all day and I just could not get awake. SO Happy Birthday to ME!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Her Mother

I so cannot stand the snotty little brat in K's class. UGH I *know* that she is this way because of her mother but double UGH. Today is a new low. We have already been through the bullying the class into making her the class president over K. That one wasn't really a big issue for me though because I was against the whole 1st grade president shit anyway. So NEINERNEINER. But today she told K not to collect money for the March of Dimes because they killed babies. WTF? So says her MOTHER (er Mother Fucker) I am sooooo sorry but hey lady GET YOUR GODDAMN FACTS STRAIGHT AND DON'T ALLOW YOUR DAUGHTER TO FILL MINE WITH BULLSHIT! It is so irritating that my daughter comes home to declare "Momma, why are we helping people kill babies?" And if that wasn't enough, I have a personal connection with the March of Dimes. My grandmother had polio and was a proud volunteer with them. BECAUSE YOU KNOW STUPID BITCH IF IT WASN'T FOR THIS WONDERFUL ORGANIZATION, MANY AND I MEAN MILLIONS OF OUR CHILDREN WOULD HAVE DIED OR BEEN HANDICAPPED IN SOME FORM FROM POLIO. AND THAT IS JUST HOW THE ORGANIZATION STARTED DOING GOOD....THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TODAY BECAUSE OF THEM!

Ok I feel better but I am still gonna rage a freaking HUGE fit over K spending any alone time with this nutty snot! Mothers!