Sunday, November 13, 2005
Well my viewpoint on this subject has done a 180. When I was 16, I thought the world would be in order as long as women had the same rights and jobs as men, with the same pay. I felt that my education and career were the most important aspect of my future. I was going to become the best damn lawyer and child advocate out there. I wasn't going to get married until I was well into my thirties and I really wasn't sure about children. If I decided on children, it would have to be a daughter and that's it! I was stubborn in any debate, often getting angry when someone questioned my knowledge on any subject. Politics only consisted of liberal views and you didn't want to get me started on the issue of abortion. (Umm Pro-Choice is not the opposite of Pro-Life) I was indeed headstrong.
Now looking back, I still view a lot of things the same but with a slightly more mature (hopefully) attitude. I still believe that women should be afforded the same rights and pay as men. I still think education is important, maybe not to the same extent, but still with great value to one's future. I still am the child advocate I once was, only in a different arena. When I got married, I saw my future in a different light. I allowed myself to be taken care of by a man. (OK I didn't know at the time....he had me removed from my work schedule and ultimately out of my job) But that being said, I didn't really argue the point much either...by then I was on my road to mommydom. The one and only thing on my mind was becoming a mommy. I puttered around our little apartment, scrubbing, cooking, and organizing (Yeah, Jay thought I was insane...he actually put his foot down when I had arranged his shirts in color scheme and alphabetized his cd collection...he could not find a damn thing thanks to me!) I no longer felt the need to fight for every woman out there. I was too busy laying on my back with feet propped waiting for the damn swimmers to finally make their destination. When that finally happened, I was pushed to the edge with my first miscarriage. Little did I know what would follow. Killian died and a part of my demand to be heard resurfaced. Thus my child advocacy years were emerging. Of course, it was no where near where I had expected it to be, I was actually fighting for my OWN children now. The beginning battles were just about having a voice in my ever complicated woes in childbearing. I wasn't getting anywhere with the drs and that started a fire that was familiar to anyone that had known me premarriage. After years of having to FIGHT for EVERY damn thing regarding the health of my children, I have finally come to understand my role as a moderate (ok maybe that's being too generous) feminist. I know that I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HEARD! It's strange that it actually is the role I had intended, just in a different form. I always knew that I would someday stand up for children's rights, I just had no idea it would begin with my own children. How strange the turns have become. So someday, I do in fact hope to swing another 180 and get back to "work" helping children other than my own. Someday, I hope to view the work I do now as the prehistoric age (I mean come on...a mother, wife, housekeeper and cook, bowing to my husbands needs?? How could I?) But for now I am grateful to carry the illusion that women and men need to have defined roles. I need to be home with my children (and I can't really afford to work as daycare is a whole other rant). It's become kind of defining in itself, that I can still have strong opinions and have a husband and children. (If my dad read this he would pee himself!)