Killian's Story

Written some time in the early months after his death...

We had been trying to get pregnant for so long. We starting charting temperatures and using the ovulation kits. In April 96 we finally did it. We were so excited. We went to the Dr. and confirmed it. Then I started to spot. We went in for an ultrasound to find that there was no sac. I had miscarried. We were completely devastated but nothing could prepare us for what was to come.

We waited the three long months after I m/ced to try again and everything went perfect. On August 30th we went to a James Taylor concert and conceived that night. (We decided that we would name a girl after him; Jenson Taylor.) Once again, we were thrilled. I started to spot again and we thought we were going to lose another baby. We went in for the u/s expecting the worse, but instead came out floating on a cloud. We had a heartbeat. We were nervous but we knew that if I got into bed the baby would be fine. I stayed in bed for 2 weeks until I started to not just spot but bleed. I remember it as it was yesterday, my husband and I were playing cards in bed and I thought I had just wet myself, we were laughing. Then I passed a clot that I thought was the baby (I'm sorry so graphic but that is what I thought.) My husband collected it on the Drs. advice to bring to his office in the morning. When we arrived, once again, I thought the worst. We got another u/s that showed a very strong heartbeat and placental abruption. Apparently this was the cause of the original bleeding as well. I was only 12 weeks at this point and resigned to bed rest. Well, at 14 weeks I went back to get yet another u/s (that we recorded) and discovered that all that rest had paid off. I was completely healed. Oh did I mention that I was not allowed to do anything? It was really hard on my husband but he was great. Finally I would be allowed to walk around and at least do some "light" activities. It sounds great so far and it was.

I started to show big for my duedate and I had some normal complaints...my son was extremely active and heartburn were two that come to mind. He also had hiccups all the time. I was going through what I considered normal.

I went in for my 36 week checkup on Tues. April 22, 1997, and everything was right on schedule. In fact, the Dr. said that if I were to go into labor they would not stop it. On Thurs. I was really feeling sick and stayed in bed most of the day. I noticed there wasn't much movement but I wasn't concerned because everyone had told me that it would slow down at the end. The next morning I noticed no movement. My son was not like that, so I called and they told me to do the kick count. I did it and nothing. I went to the Drs. office and they did the Doppler. They didn't get the heartbeat. My mom was with me (it was the only time my husband wasn't there). She kept telling me that he was probably in a position that they couldn't get it. I was already crying as if I knew. We did the u/s. Having had so many already, I knew what to look for. I didn't see the heartbeat and they confirmed my worst fear. My baby had died. I didn't know what to do. I had to call my husband and tell him. That was the hardest for me. My mom called my sister to have her drive my husband to the Drs. office and start the process.

My sister came and drove me and my husband home to retrieve some clothes for the hospital. The whole way I cried and laughed, I know now that I was in complete shock. We went back to the hospital and when I arrived the nurse asked me how far along I was...I didn't know how to answer, she thought they were going to induce my living baby. I had only that one bad experience. Everyone was wonderful to me.

I was very fortunate to have a quick labor. They broke my bags of water in the morning and I went through about 3 hours of really hard labor. Then, they decided it would be better if I had the epidural...I was having too many contractions too close together. The only bad part was the intense itching as I was allergic to something in it. I was at 4cm when the nurse told me that I would know when to call her because it would feel different. About 45mins later I called her back. She laughed and said it was too early, then she checked and saw the cord and the head. The Dr. barely made it in there and I was pushing. I only had to push four different episodes with about three bear-downs each time and I delivered.

My son was born still yet I know I was hoping that he would cry out. They were stunned by what they discovered had gone wrong. My cord was 183cm and normal is about 55cm. My Dr. was so shocked that he went to get a book to look up what this was all about. He had never seen anything like that. The cord actually hit the floor before my baby was all the way out. They cleaned him alittle and handed him to us. He was perfect, every feature. He had a full head of hair...long fingers and a beautiful face. He weighed 5lbs 11oz and was 18in. We immediately named him Killian Joseph. (I found out later that Killian means "little and warlike," so fitting.) We had originally decided that we didn't want anyone else to see him, but we changed our minds once we saw how perfect he was. Our families all got to hold him and love on him for those precious moments. We also took pictures and got his clothes and some hair, hand/foot prints to keep etc.

They did an autopsy and nothing was wrong with him. They have ruled this a cord accident. He was really lucky to have lasted as long as he did, without compressing such a long cord sooner.
I am still having a hard time with his passing and I know that he will always be with me. Recently someone asked me if I could relive one day the exact way it was originally what day would I choose? I would definitely relive the day my son was born still. That was a hard day for me but I would go back just to hold him and see my angel one more time.