Happy Halloween

Drig as Buzz Lightyear

Keara as Ms. Kitty Fairy

Kai as Police Power Ranger

Tony...Tony...Tony

I'm back. I am sitting here watching my race. I just love Sundays. And for all of you that believe Nascar is about being a redneck....and I once did too....it is so not about being a redneck to me. I LOVE Tony Stewart. He is the sexiest man alive...shhh don't tell Jay (actually Jay knows I feel this way and is QUITE jealous) Tony is leading the Chase and I have a heart attack every race I watch. The kids are involved in this too. Too bad their guy Jr. isn't in the Chase (insert that wicked little giggle here) Jay is a Jr. fan too (again, so sorry your guy sux!) I started watching Tony in his rookie year and I have been hooked since. Of course for my West Coast friends this is like the signature on the dotted line...I am a redneck to them. GAWD my head is so warped from the lack of uninterrupted sleep I've been getting, I have NO idea where I was headed. That too should not be a surprise to anyone that knows me well. Since having these beasts (oh my word, did I just say that?) I have not a clear thought and therefore sentence leave these lips. I spend the majority of my days saying phrases as "Stop it! That is not a good choice sir! Would you like that to happen to you?" You get the picture. Oh did I say that TONY IS SEXY! Just thought you should know how I feel. (Again I NEED smilies)

Every single time I sit at this damn desk, the kids come to me and NEED something. Can't they see I have a life and I AM TYPING DAMNIT! Obviously not, because as I type this Keara has decided to come read over my shoulder. Isn't that wonderful? See and after all that, I am still just fixated on Tony. I will tell you, he is just so yummy and I truly could eat him up! (so don't let your kids read this...and yes Keara is gone now)

Speaking of eating, what is up with my frickin' body? I swear I can eat good, bad or indifferent or I can not eat at all and I don't change in size. WTF? Oh well, gotta love them beasts anyway. See the general theme, my kids er beasts as they are today, have dictated EVERY damn thing about me. Again WTF? Now that I have totally baffled even myself, I guess I need to come back later. (And ya know baffle Biffle see it goes back to Tony....)

More Randomness

Why do I get sick every Halloween? Maybe I am phobic. Which would not be that odd since I do have some really strange ones. Like pumping gas....what in the world is that about? I can do it but man the anxiety attack that ensues, UGH. So here I sit sick again. Drig was out all last week and Keara came home sick Fri. so it shouldn't surprise me in the slightest. What is odd is that for every Halloween since I can remember, I have been sick. And I adore Halloween. Maybe that's it, I get myself in a frenzy and then sickness takes over. (You know I need smilies, can't get through this without the shoulder-shrugging one.)

I've noticed that when I have a thought I often don't write it because it makes me appear cluttered (my brain that is). And to that I say, indeed it is. So for now on I will write away and insert those little peevish ideas that pop into my brain in parentheses. Maybe you can follow my train of thought or for those that can't well just don't read!

It amazes me that my daughter given all of her fantasies, is so not into those Junie B. or any other fictional girl character books. What she does enjoy to read are fact books. Last night she was reading the star book and trying to remember the order of the planets. Do you remember that little saying that we learned to remember the planets? I couldn't but AHHH the wonders of the internet. So there seem to be several but the one I like is "My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas." I also found some really crude variations that indeed are not suited for the 6 year old mind. (ok this is the first one, see if you recognize the awkwardness of thought going on here...the six year old in my house acts an awful lot like a 12 year old that I once was...and yes that is possible because this 12 year old was very naive and lacking in the world knowledge that surrounded her. I didn't experience that epiphany that you know I was better than my parents, smarter and such until a much later date. On the contrary, Keara already goes through that mom can't know or do anything as good as she can. I simply cannot get it right even if I have the operating instructions under my nose....THEY LIE, ALL OF THEM!)

Kai is such a whiney boy these days. Much to my dismay, because I actually thought (yes I am a dope) that boys wouldn't get as whiney as their counterparts. Boy was I wrong (There must be a reason they use that expression...you know what I mean?) So he is either some kind of whiney nagging twerp or a big scary Dinosaur. Between the two, I don't know which I prefer. He does get the short end of the stick, though. Being a middle I know too well what it is about to be shoved aside for more pressing big kid moments or dire baby times. Kai is a scrappy kid. He finds his voice every time I think he might go into the woodwork. (Ah that was really a nice little picture of Kai. He is soooo much his mamma's son)

Drig about wore my last nerve to a shred yesterday. He has ISSUES! I guess it is hard for me because I just throw on clothes (yes I do look like I do that, probably all the stares I get...hmmmm) and then go. I don't give a flying hoot if there is a tag, seam, hanging string, long sleeves, short...I just go. Drig has issues with every damn piece of clothing there is. So I put on his sweatshirt and ya know it has long sleeves, what was I thinking? He screams until you get it perfectly adjusted about half way up his arm. He will tug at tags until they are gone. Pants cannot be too long but heaven help me if they are to short. (see again I need the damn smilies...you know profanities pop in my brain about every other word. I really am good with self control because even though it may appear as though I swear too often, imagine if I didn't sensor this dirty brain of mine.) Ok where was I? Oh yes, Drig's issues. He will scream and I mean his face turns shades of purple polkadots for what seems to drag on for hours. In reality it is probably more like 20 minutes but still. He does this and there is no distracting him from what ever freakish thing that is causing him trouble. But when he is done, he is done. It hurts to watch him cry. Yesterday the one that about sent me over the edge....he is trying to learn to use the potty. He takes care of business but then wants to be naked only to find a corner to mark (how did I give birth to 2 animalistic boys...I swear they are always so primitive) Anyhoo, I struggled with the boy for a full hour to get either a diaper, pullup or undies on that naked butt. Do you think I won? Of course I didn't. (If one more child comes up to me and nags about one more thing....UGH, of course you must read between the lines, because for every UGH there has got to be some kind of really awful four letter word inserted at least five times) So I can't even finish my train of thought here, Kai needs juice, Drig has broken his Space Ranger Ship once again and Keara is getting peanut butter all over her nose. BE BACK LATER....(just noticed, I love using them ....)

My Beauties

Keara and Kai Moments

Keara had a field trip yesterday to the pumpkin patch. Normally one of us would go but with Drig in school (and we didn't know he would be out sick all week) I didn't want to do a sitter and Jay is having a big tourney that they were preparing for. Anyway, as she is getting ready, I was giving her instructions, yk? "listen to the teacher and all the moms, keep up with the group, wash your hands with the sanitizing gel I put in your bag, sit in the middle on the bus...etc" Anyway, she went off rolling her eyes and then on the way to school told Jay to come home and tell me "Mom, I will be just fine today. I can handle everything! Don't worry!" WAHHHHH, where did my baby go.

When she came home from school, she tells me "mom, this picture on the wall is horizontal and this picture is vertical." She is such a sponge of information. I swear you tell this child something one time and she has it locked away for eternity. She also explained the differences in certain mediums of art. Apparently they used some oil pastels today. "You know kinda like crayon texture mom" is how she explained it to her nim-wit mom.

Kai Goings On

He is in the bedroom with the tv volume up super loud and I hear chanting. So, I look to see what he is watching....More Reflections with Father Leo Clifford. It is some Catholic service done old style (not Latin but everything in the singsong type voice kwim?) Well my boy is a bit odd!

He was sitting with Keara and she wasn't giving him the time of day. He says to her "you are so cute and pretty." This remark obviously didn't prevail upon Keara so Kai turns to her and says, "Keara you are hideous!" (side note...I don't use this word often, I know he gets most of his fowl language from me, but I swear not THIS)

We were in the Dr's office today. It's the same one we saw on Mon. So Kai says to the Dr. "I broke my dick!" OMG the look on the Dr's face was priceless. He turned, speechless to me and open mouth, slack jaw says "Errr, ummm I don't know what to say to THAT!" Of course me being the quick thinking, always on her toes mom I respond "we haven't mastered the 's' sound yet....he meant his Stick." (the Dr. gave him a tongue depressor on Mon.) But man I so wished I had a camera for that look. It was sooooo worthy of some kind of award.

To My Angel - Killian Joseph

Angel To Light My Way

A part of my inner being left that night
How will I survive?
You lived inside such a wonderful world
We never heard you cry
But we ponder it as the most beautiful sound
The powerful thud of your long feet
I felt every movement with pleasure
I will survive knowing you are at peace
A place I have not ventured
Yet somehow I imagine pleasant serenity
You appear often in my thoughts
Showing your bright energy in the clouds
Dark days are behind
For today I have an angel to light my way


April Star

Sweet angel, April star
Your hair was fine and silky
Eyes of a special kind
Those long fingers limp
I knew those feet were meant for something powerful
To dance on clouds and prance with style


Question

A mother’s place is with her child
Why then, am I all alone?
A mother’s love is enduring
We all need to look above
My heart is beginning to heal
My soul is forever changed
The depth is surrounding me
When a mother is left to explain
The only answer is a question
A question of seeing her child again


Inspiration

The little boy wandered through the dark lonely sky
Until he caught his mother’s eye
She was smiling, feeling warm
He knew then, on that Christmas morn
His prayers were answered, his calling was true
He joined the ranks and started anew
She whispered "I love you" and a tear came down
He caressed her heart without a sound
Today is the start of something special
A new beginning for her dying vessel
She laid her head on her husband’s lap
They knew then, how to fill the gap
Finish the family, fill a need
Make this Christmas, by planting a seed

Time Is Right

We watched the hazy clouds roll by
As a teardrop fell from our eyes
We had to say goodbye today
To our child, in the ground he lay

Go play with those who went ahead
We will not look at this with dread
Mommy and Daddy are here with you
Visit us when we are blue

Show us the light and get us by
Travel with us when we cry
Whisper softly in our ears
Don’t fret son, we will hear

Gentle reminders to guide us through
So we can begin fresh and new
You will never be far from our thoughts
We will learn from all you’ve taught

Someday we will join you way up high
We’ll come and play with you in the sky
Until we do, try to be
Up in the clouds so we can see

We love you more than you’ll ever know
We’ll carry on so we can show
Our love is with you day and night
We’ll be with you when the time is right


Angel In The Night

Angel in the night
Angel in the sky
Let us see the light
Let us quite rely

Our house is filled with sorrow
Our house is filled with grief
We hope that there’s tomorrow
We hope that there’s relief

Dark wonders of the universe
Dark wonders of the day
Travel through our souls reverse
Travel through Your way

Slowly, softly, carefully
Quickly, loudly, carelessly
Stepping with foundation
Tripping with hesitation

We will see the light
We will just get by
Angel in the night
Angel in the sky

God’s Rarest Breed

Angel, Little Wonder
Little Promise, Little Boy
We didn’t get to love on you
Or let you bring us joy

Our arms are filled with emptiness
Our hearts are filled with pain
We search for all the answers
Our response is only rain

He called for you to fill a need
We know that you’ll succeed
You are special in this universe
You are God’s Rarest Breed

A gift to let the stars shine bright
To help each of us see His light
They can’t tell us about the power of love
‘Cuz you were sent for from far Above

How were we to know
When we were planting your tiny seed
How important it was for you to grow
Into God’s Rarest Breed

Killian-Little and Warlike

Joseph-Gentle and Saintlike

The name we chose was no mistake

We were blessed with insight into what you’d make

We know you fought until the bitter end
We didn’t know you were to ascend

We were lucky, the few, the rare
We held an angel, it seemed unfair

Blessed for a hint of time
And yet we felt so sublime

Our pallets were moistened, our curiosity struck
We had a lifetime with you in the tick of a clock

We Have An Angel

Living life on a whim
Never a care about Faith,
Mystery and Hope for the future
These chances did not exist

Life was about living, not worrying
Life embraced the heart
Life led without questions
Life worth being with no meaning

Not until that April Day
Chance became our reality
A spirit came alive somehow
A glimmer of hope and peace touched

One Day, one tiny light entered
How ironic it was
Our child died but conviction born
Belief that we will survive

A bright star now shines our way
Beautiful music making clouds dance
A gift to show us ever love
We have an angel to guide us through

Mimi

Until We Meet Again


We’ve been through it all
We had our ups and downs
We had the good and bad

Somehow I imagined you’d never fade

You taught me love
You showed me spirit
You gave me strength
And you allowed me laughter

Words cannot express the sorrow and sadness;
Emptiness and longing in my heart
You shine in the stars now
An Angel of light

My world is not the same
Until we meet again
Thank you

I am an IDIOT

So I have been living in bliss. It seemed too good to be true and alas it is. I love Jay. I just hate the fact that he is so so so dumb sometimes. So awhile back I had some really serious health issues. I have a heart valve problem and for months I was experiencing chest pains daily. We determined that I needed less stress to get better. One thing that was very stressful was doing our finances. See, I don't work and Jay has a great job but with 3 children, his job just doesn't pay enough. He decided he needed to take over the bills for me and reduce that part of my stress. It worked, I have been without chest pains for about 6 months now. I didn't even open bills but I did often ask Jay how it was going and reminding him to be vigilant in paying blah, blah, blah. Well, yesterday I did open a bill and guess what, Jay was screwing up BIG TIME. So I went back over several bills and discovered he has been late on select bills every single month for months. The kicker to this is that every one that has all these late payments are in MY name. Plus he put all the cards onto one card...you guessed it MY CARD! So, here I sit with mounting debt in my name and late fees and BAD CREDIT. It sux! Jason just doesn't even GET IT. He is so dumb sometimes. Now what? I don't have a clue. I could get a job and that would cover daycare....so what good is that? I NEED to get my teeth worked on, they are full and I mean like EVERY single tooth of cavities. I am so sick about this. I was hoping I could do my teeth this year but now with Christmas and Keara's bday we can't even think about it. So I can cry and again that won't do any good. I just was so happy to feel happy you know? I guess I am stupid too. The weird thing is I don't care about money but I don't want my kids to NEED things they can't have. I just don't want to be lied to. I just want to be happy!

Kids

Keara at her award ceremony

Kai in his costume

Drig with his big boy backpack

Suburban Bliss

Today was such a nice relaxing day. That is amazing to say. We still got out of bed at 7 but it wasn't the rush and the tears over socks and breakfast. We leisurely ate and watched a little tv. Then the kids played in bliss in their playroom. AHHH they were so happy to be with their beloved dinosaurs and they didn't even make a mess. Drig spent the morning on the computer. He is infatuated with the Paint program. He makes the most gorgeous, bizarre pictures. He is better with the program than I. I made 6 dozen peanut butter cookies, half with a dollop of chocolate in the middle. YUM Then I made Jay a sirloin roast, garlic/butter pasta, and corn. We drove it over to the course and he was in heaven too. When we finished lunch we went outside and played in the leaves, trying really hard to fill those big pumpkin bags...Kai is the only one that actually accomplished this. Drig stayed focused on the sand table for the most part and ended up with sand from head to toe. Keara was busy telling everyone "pretend to do such and such" as she does incessantly throughout the day. Kai asked me "do I have to play the way she says I do?" I said "no honey just ignore her that's what mama does!" Of course I should be careful about what I say because apparently the little shit repeats it to my dad of all people. He told my dad that he "was just pissy because he was hungry!" We all know what my dad did. LOL Then let's see Jay came home from work and we played outside some more, dinner, bath and bed. Everything was wonderful about today until my Auburn got beat in OT and broke my heart :( Now I will go and PRAY for another day of bliss with my kids. Sad but true that I do actually have to pray for these things...

Boys...Boys...Boys

After much work and sweat and yes some tears (not mine but I'll get to that) we have finally gotten the smell out of the carpet in the play room. You see, Jay has a preoccupation with children's movies, in this case it was Pooh's Heffalump Halloween. He was watching in earnest all the while the boys had taken an entire gallon of milk and poured it in the closet of the play room. I was at a meeting and upon my return, Kai and Drig had been relegated to the couch. I ask what is up and receive the death glare from Jay. At this point I find out what the boys had done and decide to scold their daddy first. Well approximately 2 hours later, Drig is "playing" while I vacuum the living room. I walk in to find that, YES, another gallon of milk has been emptied on the floor in the play room. So at this point we have to rent a steam cleaner. We did the entire house while we at it and that was great. But after that, the smell just lingered. Apparently the foam underneath does not clean up so well. Long story short, we had to replace the padding under the carpet, rent the steam cleaner again, spray the shit out of the carpet with some enzyme thing and today, a week later, we have finally got the play room back in order. The crying had to do with a mama that lost her wits when the second gallon dispersed over the carpet. The boys were banished from the room and have been begging to get their toys since then. Thus I will actually have two very HAPPY boys tomorrow. Kai tells me how he "misses all of his precious dinosaurs." BAHHAHA Gotta love my boys!

Update

So we had Jay's parents here this weekend. Went great :) We were outside and the kids were running up and down the hill out back. Keara is screaming about a monster and her Guinney says "no, monsters only come out at night!" (don't get me started on her lack of granmotherly skills LOL) Anyway, Keara replies "no these monsters are not nocturnal!" GAWD this is normal speak for Keara too. Can she be more mature? She is such a little lady. I went over to her school tonight and she is just doing so wonderful. I did have to laugh though at the story about herself. She wrote that she has a doll named Elisha that she bought herself. WHAT? Did not know that. She also says she plays soccer every night....um she tells us "girls DO NOT play soccer!" So again, WHAT? LOL But all and all, she is doing so great.

Padraig

I have a disabled son. WOW. I have spent so much time trying to get him the help he needs, I never stopped to think about what all this means. Padraig is such a sweet boy. He loves so fully and plays and laughs and hugs and all the other wonderful things 3yr old boys do so wonderfully. He is a GREAT kid. He is trapped, though inside his own skin. He can't talk. He has a severe articulation disorder. He tries so hard and cannot do it. So, I finally got him into the special needs PreK. He is going 4 days a week for 3 hrs a day. He is enjoying it so far...although he has had a sobbing period everyday. He will get adjusted. They are going to teach him signing, gesturing, and picture identification. I think this will take away some of his frustration. I have to learn a new language, just hope they can teach an old dog new tricks. LOL Anyway, this is so new to me and I guess I just need some mourning time, yk? Does that make sense? I don't love him any less in fact I appreciate him so much more for all that he has been through and will go through in the future. I just LOVE my DRIG beyond words. HAPPY BIRTHDAY PADRAIG, LOVE YOU SWEET BOY!

Bad Blogger

So I am really bad at this bloggin' thang. Yep I am an Alabamian, officially. LOL This morning we started with the screaming, yelling, hairpulling, fighting backlash that seems to just have become commonplace around here. Jay starts with a cool demeanor only to end up telling everyone and anything to f*off. Man it is really damaging my aura. Keara had a piece of skin hanging on her lip, ya know the kind of thing most people just deal with and ignore, but NO NOT Keara. She had an absolute meltdown. "I don't like purple lip stuff, you know that mommy, how could you do this to me?" Because we all know that I was sent this child so I could torture her. HARHAR. Then we have the boy from Driganese, telling us "ne ha a doop. epp!" Now if you are familiar with Driganese, then of course you know this means "Me have a poop. Help!" Of course Jay has yet to take the advanced course of Driganese and is screaming "I DON'T F*ING UNDERSTAND!" So in steps the translator, after trying to convince Keara that socks do not have hair, to aid Jay in his desperate state. Drig has now come home from school and has an owie. Normal children enjoy the Clifford bandaid as a remedy. Drig just holds the finger in the air...."ottttttttttttttttt, otttttttt!" (That's OFF for those who can't read DRig) So we have taken the damn thing off and now he is waving that pitiful finger in the air (which BTW is just a little paper cut) YELLING "HUTTTTT, HUTTTT! (hurt, hurt)" So I guess I CAN'T WIN. And every time I sit here to write my freaking kids NEED me, how dare they!! So I will be back ....

Kid Update

Padraig started his *special* preK yesterday. He was such a big boy. He got his own backpack and did not want to leave. Today was a different day. He was sobbing when I got there to pick him up. His face was covered with red/purple blotches and he was shaking from the tears. It BROKE MY HEART. This is the time that parenting is so HARD. I had to convince myself not to cry. I *know* he was ok there, it is just hard to see him so upset. He will return again tomorrow and with any luck, he won't be upset upon my arrival to pick him up. Kai was upset too today. His brother was not here to keep him company. There was an incident with a HUGE spider and Kai did not know what to do. He said "I wish Padraig was here." When I asked him why, he replied "because he is so very brave!" How sweet is that? Gotta get those moments and have them last because the rest of the day we will be batting heads. LOL I had Keara's conference yesterday. She is doing so well in school. They already have her in a special program to keep her challenged, and now they said they will be adding another day. She will also be starting with 2nd grade work in a couple of weeks. Very encouraging, she won't get bored!

Issues

This morning I finally lost it. This happens after a month or two of dealing pretty damn good with our "issues". Keara is sensitive to seams in socks, doesn't like pants, is not a morning person, has an issue with Cheerios when not prepared right when she is ready for them (ie. they get soggy) and she loves to argue with her daddy. So, we go through this EVERYDAY, but for some reason and not the normal PMS one, I couldn't deal with it this morning. Being the usual peacemaker in the house just did not happen this morning. She finally went to school, crying and I stayed behind, crying. I called my mommy and of course being the mom she is I cried some more. You see, my mom is a no nonsense type of personality. She said as much in our conversation. I am overly attentive to Keara's issues and I should have her just deal with it. That's life right? I have given too much attention to my kids and they really need to just deal. So after some self examining, (self-loathing) I can see where I have created little monsters so to speak.

I come to this realization everytime I melt Down like this. You see, it is really easy to see how you are to blame and all the things you need to do in order to fix them, when you are already down on yourself. But, when it comes time to implement these great ideas, I have gained my composure once again and I see how these kids NEED extra love and gentle care. This starts the slide backwards again and I will report again in a month about my failures as a mom.

At what point did I become the overly attentive, too supportive and then completely insane mother? I guess the answer goes all the way back to Killian. I didn't protect him, I failed him. I know this to be true but to change how I act, nother story. I know that I couldn't save him, I know it wasn't my fault. I know all those things. I DO blame myself though. I DID fail him. And now because I can't get past that, I continue to fail my other kids, how stupid is that? I know but I don't turn it around. Inner truths are rally painful, aren't they? When you just look into your soul at what IS, it's almost too hard to do, yk? Thus I will again be churning this over in a month. Well until then....

The Beginning

So, I decided that I needed a place to write about all the amazing, incredible things my kids say and do on a daily basis...Here we goooooooo.

Keara starts Brownies tomorrow, although she is already selling the nuts/candy and mags. She called her Guinney and after she managed to snag the nuts/candy sale, she asks "well is there anything else you might be interested in?" A born salesperson!

Kai, the little angel that never gets into trouble LOL, comes running into the room after he witnesses his daddy and his sister in a heated argument and says "Mama, is he gonna kick her ass?" Ummm no sweetheart, that's not exactly what you'd call it LOL.

Padraig cannot say anything, (for pete's sake, he calls me NaNa), can say WWHHYY? And top that off with a southern twang, OMG it's just so darn cute!

Jason, my love, has finally granted my wish....We have now painted the living room. But....It is vomit green! Ok, so I picked out the color, thinking that it was going to be more sagey. It is NOT. Jay LOVES it. He says "it brings me back to my childhood." GAG But, it does go perfectly with the nasty brown carpet and the joke yard sale painting that I have been enduring for 10 years now. Gotta love him, he is stuck in the 70's.

Me-hmmm, well I have had a lot of epiphanies of late. Weird how you can live for thirty some odd years and never realize some things. I think differently than others, I have always assumed that people have a good quality in them and I try to find it. I guess others do not do this. This sounds odd but I really thought everyone tried to find something that they could like about everyone. I do. (and not to sound high on myself either, because I honestly always thought I must be doing truly ugly things to people, so as they didn't want to be friends)
This, too, I have found is probably a bad thing to do. I end up being hurt when people don't see something in me that is friendship worthy. Or worse I cannot really grasp what I do to rub people the wrong way and then feel compelled to overcompensate. Bad, Bad, Bad. I also realized that there are things that I am truly still SAD about. I really always thought that at some point I would be "over" Killian's death. I thought I could come to a day when I would watch a program where someone had a miscarriage or lost a child and I would not directly link it to Killian and the other losses. This has not happened to me yet. I find myself thinking of the things that I cannot control and it is terribly sad. I am just so, so, so sad for the people of NO et. all, they lost everything. I miss my Mimi. I just ache to have her to talk with. She will always be the one and only person to "get" me. I truly just long to see her. The other side to this is quite funny....I am not depressed, nor have I been in a while (since I got off those damn meds that were drowning me). I am so happy, fulfilled and just content, yk? So it's funny to figure out some quite profound things all while I am just so engaged in my life. WEIRD!

Not bad for the first post. Man, this is quite enjoyable, I must now make this a habit.