My life is a joke and I'm so not laughing...

Since I don't ever manage to get here daily I will just start by saying it's not because I am so busy out of my house or away.

Keara- Well we have finally reached the point where she needs to get professional help. I am so so sad for my little girl. She is terrified of bees. We have tried everything. She has been seeing the counselor at school and we finally decided she needs more. She has fear issues. UGH So we are now trying to find her a good counselor that she will click with. She has gotten to the point where she doesn't want to go outdoors. She doesn't even want to go on her class fieldtrip because they will be outdoors. :( Isn't that the saddest thing ever? GAWD it just really tears me up. She has been researching bees as well as storms and right now I actually think she knows more than I about these topics. Her school counselor was literally shocked at her knowledge. I can't say that I am because Keara is brilliant. (I mean how many first graders are reading the sixth grade level books, doing fractions, multiplication and writing books) Or maybe I am just soooo proud :) Her other ailment right now is her back. We have discovered that her back is really crooked. Her spine can literally make an S shape. Plus her right hip and shoulder sit about 3 inches higher than her left. I'm thinking it could really explain her coordination problems and lack of physical prowess. LOL No really we have set up an appointment for that too. Just money ya know. HA

Kai- Well he has not let us down in the boredom department. The other day, I was talking on the phone with Keara's counselor, Kai was playing in the sink. I'm thinking at least he is *contained*. HAHAHAHA The joke was on me. You see, the next move I made was to start the dishwasher and then leave the room for more cleaning elsewhere. Kai had put dishwashing soap ie. Palmolive in the dishwasher. When I returned to the kitchen the entire floor was well bubbles! Kai thought it was a riot, me not so much. FUNNY stuff in this house. Kai is a really sweet kid. Last night he told me that he was the reason Nan-Nan and Poppi's dog died. He said he fed her some of his food and he knows it was wrong. He did it while my mom wasn't looking and he thinks that is why the dog is dead. How freaking sad is that? Damn, another kid in counseling I guess?? So we explained the best we could and we will continue to reinforce that he did not kill the dog. UGH

Drig- He is doing pretty good. He pooped in the potty for the first time last week. He was so proud. He still isn't consistent but he is making great strides. He is learning to not scream everytime something doesn't go his way...not an easy task for a child that cannot communicate. He is a sweet boy.

Jay- hmmmmm, not much going on there. Discovered that he has doubled our debt since he took over....oh well it's just money right? So we are gonna have to get a loan and start fresh. Of course the only way to get said loan is from his parents collateral. LOVELY.

Me- Well the good news is I have started to take care of me some. The bad news is I got the bill for what my teeth will require....$9600. YEP I don't know if that can happen. I plan on having my *pressure wash* as my mom refers to it sometime very soon. And I am in search of a good Internist. I have been tracking fevers, rashes and other symptoms...hopefully this round we can get some answers besides take this medicine and we'll see if it works (I won't go that route again...I can't survive the depression) So we will see. I know there is more but I have used too many brain cells on this, must save some and not be outwitted by the boys!

My LOVES

Happy Birthday to Me

Well I made it to the age of 34. The funny thing is I am soooo soooo happy about it. You see since I was at least 8 I always had this guttural feeling that somehow I would not be around after 33. Weird, I know but I never claimed to be normal. (Well maybe that one time but shhh don't tell) You know in years past I just really have disliked my birthday. Probably due to the fact that in my mom's tradition, birthdays are supposed to be HUGE. She tries to make you feel super special and like a princess. As a kid this was great but as I grew older, I found that I wanted that and then was disappointed when everyone else was too busy to deliver. So I just started kinda ignoring the day...less disappointment that way. Well this year I was kinda doing the anticipation thing again. And it was a mistake. I got a phone call from 2 of my 4 siblings and my mom/dad. Plus my ex (yes I still talk to him) called me from his workplace. My dear husband couldn't be bothered all day to call me so I did rub the fact that my ex called (long distance) from work. Keara was the sweetest. She has been drawing all sorts of pictures at school and she gave me an envelop full. She even made confetti. I LOVE pure kid gifts, made on their own and with all that sweet love. I did get the book I wanted...woohoo. That was it. Well from my household...my mommy and daddy gave me two shirts, a pasta canister (very pretty) and the most beautiful framed poem by Mother Theresa (really who I admire...as did Mimi) and I know they are getting me a printer as well. Last year Jay's parents completely missed my day all together, this year they wished me happy a day late but at least they said something. Anyway, I was in a shitty mood all day and I just could not get awake. SO Happy Birthday to ME!

Her Mother

I so cannot stand the snotty little brat in K's class. UGH I *know* that she is this way because of her mother but double UGH. Today is a new low. We have already been through the bullying the class into making her the class president over K. That one wasn't really a big issue for me though because I was against the whole 1st grade president shit anyway. So NEINERNEINER. But today she told K not to collect money for the March of Dimes because they killed babies. WTF? So says her MOTHER (er Mother Fucker) I am sooooo sorry but hey lady GET YOUR GODDAMN FACTS STRAIGHT AND DON'T ALLOW YOUR DAUGHTER TO FILL MINE WITH BULLSHIT! It is so irritating that my daughter comes home to declare "Momma, why are we helping people kill babies?" And if that wasn't enough, I have a personal connection with the March of Dimes. My grandmother had polio and was a proud volunteer with them. BECAUSE YOU KNOW STUPID BITCH IF IT WASN'T FOR THIS WONDERFUL ORGANIZATION, MANY AND I MEAN MILLIONS OF OUR CHILDREN WOULD HAVE DIED OR BEEN HANDICAPPED IN SOME FORM FROM POLIO. AND THAT IS JUST HOW THE ORGANIZATION STARTED DOING GOOD....THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TODAY BECAUSE OF THEM!

Ok I feel better but I am still gonna rage a freaking HUGE fit over K spending any alone time with this nutty snot! Mothers!

Must be a freaking Record

I am blogging three VERY different blog entries in one night. HUH! Well I couldn't let this damn pain in the ass tooth not get the recognition it deserves. You may ask why a tooth would need it's very own story but you see this tooth has been wearing me down for 2 fucking weeks. What began as a simple toothache, quickly turned into an abcess, that was removed and now a damn fucking dry socket. Can I just tell you how aggravating this thing is. I cannot take the meds during the day because I have three monster children that decide to cut each other's hair if I only dare to pee by myself. I have to take the less useful motrin. At night I take the *good* stuff but then I cuss my husband saying "I think you are giving me tic-tacs instead of the pain meds." My poor Jay has been getting up EVERY night at 2 to give me my meds and I cuss him out, poor guy. So I called the dentist back today and said "please help me!" He agreed to see me and even for the kids to come along because Jay was working. (fortunately Jay was able to get some time off mid day because of inventory tonight) So they can't really figure if it is dry socket or the freaking tooth next to it (if I haven't mentioned I have awful teeth and really couldn't afford all the work they need so I have put it off...see what shit that gets ya?) Anyway, he packed the tooth with this gawd awful clove tasting shit and it numbed my right side completely. So I get to taste this crap, be super careful not to let it come out because it is the only saving grace right now and pray that it will heal quickly. The dentist really was a dumbass...he had the nerve to say well the other one will probably need a root canal, if that's what you want to do? DUH I don't really have a choice dumbass, I AM IN PAIN! So now I just have to find out if he will do more than one tooth at a time because I am NOT dragging this process out for months, they will have to do it 3-4 at a time or I won't go to him!@! SO there.

Must be my turn to cry

You know those damn days where everything and I mean EVERYTHING makes you weepy? UGH I really hate them. Today I am just really sad. I know that this is my time of year to be sad...and every year it comes I *think* it will be better this time. But you know what, IT WILL NEVER BE OKAY THAT MY SON DIED. I can't make that better. So like every other year, I will just have to be sad. I think I get more sad lately because I can't just go sit at his grave. (I know *he isn't there* but it does feel good to go there...can't explain it really) Killian was the most beautiful baby, I remember how perfect he was. I just don't know why he had to die and why I had to go through that. I have been told over and over that I was blessed with three wonderful children...don't lose sight of that, don't dwell on the past...and I don't think I do. But Killian DID matter and will NEVER be forgotten. I'm not going to pretend that he doesn't matter, he ALWAYS will. So I will cry this month more than usual and I will go on. I love you Killian Joseph!

My Yellow Butterfly

To my beautiful yellow butterfly,

I have missed you for a very long time. I think of you almost everyday (and by not saying everyday, I am in no way feeling less of a loss but I do have three children that keep me pretty occupied). I have needed you a lot lately and it is very evident that you *get* that. Thank you for visiting at the hospital, on a day that only YOU could understand my apprehensions and worries. Thank you for the visit in the back yard when I really just needed the extra strength to continue the day. Thank you for today, I know I needed it but to give my daughter the gift too, that is amazing. I know I will continue having our special meetings and they will all be important to my heart. Today, I just need to thank you!

Floppy Squish

I went today and had my first mammo. I was warned repeatedly to take something because it would be uncomfortable. It so WAS NOT! I didn't have ANY pain at all. It wasn't even slightly uncomfortable. I guess there is something good about having torpedo floppies. I just had to plop them puppies up there and voila. Jay joked about not stepping on them, but come on they are not THAT big. LOL The nasty discharge tested negative, so far so good. Probably just some hormonal thing that I have to endure. Yippy for me. One down, one to go. Tomorrow, the tooth extraction....YUCK! Now that I am a bit concerned about. I'm trying not to think too hard though. Wish me luck. Get the results from the mammo on the 4th...hope they are good too.

Can you say Warped?

Jay was making a homemade pizza dough crust, kneading it and letting the kids watch.

Jay: "This smells like beer."
Kai: "Yeah, it does smell like beer."
Me: "Kai you don't even know what beer is buddy."
Keara: "I do. It's the stuff that Santa gets on Christmas!"

Jay and I just about died...how warped are our kids?

Weird Kids

GAWD...I know I have said it before but Jay and I were not genetically matched to procreate. Together we have created these little weirdos er unusual children. I do sometimes wonder however, if I am NOT the problem. Jay has such strange issues...it HAS to be his fault. The latest in the freaky behaviors are of course coming from Drig and Keara, who else? Keara has decided that she has too much hair in her head...her solution, pull it out. WHAT? And she doesn't just pull one hair, it's like 15 at a time. UGH Drig has a hair issue too. He doesn't want his eyelashes. AGAIN WHAT? He is constantly asking for us to cut them off. I am so done analyzing this shit...they are just WEIRD!

Who knew??

I did not know there was a antibiotic that can actually make you feel tipsy. I switched meds and this one is a doozy. Not to mention the new pain med that is supposedly ok for daytime mommy use. NOT! We will be just fine as long as I don't have to do any driving or thinking to hard. Hell as long as it is ok that I can only have one eye on them boys, we will be fine (the other one just doesn't want to stay focused) I am SOOOOO screwed today, but damn after a week of this pain I need some daytime relief. Hell I wasn't taking any mind altering shit yesterday and Kai still managed to lure hundreds of ants into the bathroom. He actually placed (methodically, I might add) pieces of pancake with sugar...supposed to be HIS breakfast...in the corner of the shower for his friends, the ants. And they came! He was so freaking excited. But being the evil mommy I am, I dashed those dreams with a nice big squirt of the bug killer. The boys both melted down and expressed their disdain for me thoroughly! So today can't be that bad, can it?? I'll get back to you and let ya know!

We survived the Flu...now onto better ailments

Ok we did survive, albeit barely. Keara was a mess and literally 12hrs away from being admitted. She was lucky to do a quick turnaround. She lost so much weight but that too is back on track. Drig was my other mess. His temps just kept up for 10.5 days. It was awful. Kai was pitiful but at least under control. Jay and I both suffered but only to the extent that parents CAN suffer when their children are sick. So all was well in our house until.....

Saturday at 1am...I wake up with the most horrible pain. I am thinking I might just die. Nothing and I mean nothing from my vast selection of meds even touched this pain. I was in the bowels of hell I tell you. I have a tooth infection. So we call around Sunday to try and get some relief and wouldn't you know that ALL 6 dentists we call either don't take emergencies from nonpatients or wouldn't return our calls. Plus the walk-in clinic would not touch me either. So, I had to suffer and I mean SUFFER ALL day Sunday. Monday morn I went in and found out it was infected and would just get the damn thing extracted, but not before I have to go through a round of the second class antibiotics (ie. I don't get relief as fast) because I am allergic to their first choice. LOVELY. Now they told me that by 48hrs I would be out of pain...so her I sit on day 4 of the antibiotic and I am writhing in pain. I called the dentist back and now I am patiently waiting for another antibiotic to kick in. Plus I can't take the wonderful pain meds because you see I have three kids and apparently the two don't mix. I take them at night and tell Jay all kinds of weird shit. Last night I asked for pancakes as long as they weren't the kind with trees. LOL So he also prescribed a better pain med for daytime use. AWWW this sux. On Tuesday I will be getting the sucker pulled thank goodness.

Add to all the excitement...I also get to have a mammo on Monday. They wanted to do it Friday but Jay just couldn't pull it off at work. I think the tooth was actually a distraction from all the worry with my floppies. I really haven't had time to sit and think about it, my brain just gets muddled with this awful pain and I forget I am anxious.

And now I must attend to the beasts again...I swear I could just curl up in a nice warm bed and stay there for weeks...I am SOOOO tired and in SOOOO much pain! UGH

Flu - Part Deux

Well I was correct in assuming that Keara would be hit. She woke up in the middle of the night with 103+ (she wouldn't let me keep going). We struggled getting her to the bathroom and she got sick in the sink. Then we dosed her and I got the lovely job of rubbing her sore arm until she was half dozed. Finally I just invited her back to my bed because I am not the nicest person after sleeping on the floor. At 4:30 poor Jay had to drag his butt out of bed and get ready for work. He is with a fever and pretty wicked cough. Drig coughed almost ALL night so I dosed him this morning with the night time cough stuff. He's asleep now. Kai is still with fever and a nice cough as well. Oh I almost forgot about the lovely trail of diarrhea that Drig left me this morning. You see the boy is not potty trained yet ever so often he decides that using the toilet is OK. So, this morning he had one of those inclinations and stripped his diaper. He doesn't however, poop in the potty, instead he pooped his way TO THE POTTY, leaving a wide swath of destruction in his path. Just what a already near puking mommy needs to clean up at 8am. UGH I am just barely here, again, trying to keep busy so my eyelids will not close.


*One great sidenote....GO TAR HEELS! Beat the Devils in a FANTASTIC showing of freshmen POWER!! YEAH! :)

UGH....FLU

OHMYGAWD! We have gotten the flu. Drig started on Wed. with 104+ temps. By Thursday we decided to get him checked and of course they can't do a darn thing for him. Friday, we are starting to get concerned for poor Driggy. He has started to vomit (all over his mama) and cannot keep his meds in. We call the Dr. and they don't return our call, so meantime I am just frantic with him reaching 104.5, just waiting for him to seize (he has been known to do this to us). We finally got a hold of my nurse sister and she advises some suppositories. Thank goodness this worked out. Drig is now with only 101 or less. He has also kept some juice down. Thank goodness because Kai woke this morning (he started yesterday too) with 105 temp. So now we are on every three hours with him. He isn't coming down like I would like (after 1.5 hours he is only at 102.9). We are in the Tylenol cycle and it doesn't look to good. He may end up going to the hospital today if we can't get the temps down. UGH Keara is only at 101 so far, but it is only the first day so I'm not holding out much hope there. Jay went to work with cough drops and taking Dayquil. He has a clinic today, outside in the cold (poor guy). I'm sure he will perk up tonight though as Carolina plays tonight ;) I am just starting to feel bad. I have the worse case of the dizzies (I have already instructed Keara on what to do in case I pass out..that's how bad it is). And this is all after we got the flu shot (guess there is a different one around here). I am just trying to keep busy, washing sheets and taking temps. LOL I hope this will pass by me quickly!

The thing about blogging....if I don't really do anything of note, I just feel I shouldn't go through the mundane task of documenting nothing. Of course it isn't really nothing, it's more like boring. Day in and day out the kids continue to do what they do and I continue to wonder how I could have genetically produced such a mess. Kidding sorta. Keara wakes every morning with a LOUD OBNOXIOUS SCREAM that pierces my eardrums before I have even had my essential coffee. This continues because "Please, please just let me sleep, YOU NEVER LET ME SLEEP!" I quietly explain that tonight we will again push up bedtime to 6:30 (and who the fuck goes to bed at that ghastly hour, but such is the life in my house). She will then proceed to engage her father in a verbal war that will go on until the moment they leave the house. I will hear what an awful mommy I am, how I am causing her to be malnourished and that she will have behavioral problems at school because of the reasons mentioned above. Then we are onto child #2 that needs to leave for school. This little one will wake up smiling but it goes down the tubes from there. We will have picked out the wrong outfit because he thinks so...no rhyme or reason for his disapproval. The socks will be turned inside out but they will still cause such discomfort that this cute little guy will burst into tears, SCREAM in terror and rip the mother fucking things right off his feet. We will then play a little game that has become a ritual of sorts...where does this shoe go? Does it go on your ear? NO. Does it go on your knee? No. All the while he is coming back to normal land and laughing at our silliness. We will then quick launch his feet into shoes and socks and bribe the little terror with a cookie for the way to school. That is the last of my headache as I do not have the wonderful duty of toting his little butt to school. I have heard various rumors that he watches dvds on the way and that his feet never really hit the ground until he is in the classroom, but these are just rumors. I dunno! Then I am left with the biggest whiner on the planet. Which is ok really because it takes at least 45 minutes for the true talent to surface...thus I have time to at least get the coffee going. So, that took up the first 1.5 hours of my day (everyday) and it is only 7:30. So I could write about this stuff everyday (maybe I can cut and paste) or I can just delete it in the hopes that surely nobody can have mornings this awful EVERY FUCKING DAY! (Gawd, I never really think that swearing in this is a GOOD idea but truth be known....I FUCKING swear A LOT) .....

And the rest of the day will have to wait because now I have the oh so fun job of reining the little angels in for bed....

Oh yeah, I'm still alive

This week has been one that I do not wish to revisit. I have ultimately decided that I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself and just change things. I don't have anything for me and that is the first order of business. I need to find someone or better yet more than one girlfriend that I can hang out with from time to time and just get away. I don't really know how I can do this as of yet but at least I am looking in that direction. It is a sad sad commentary on my life that going to a girlscout event where there are 250 screaming, yapping wild girls makes me feel rejuvenated. See I told ya, it's pretty bleak being me. I started writing again and hope that will help get my creative juices flowing as well. Of course as of yet, I haven't been totally enamored with my creation but it will come. And I write this blog thing in the hopes that maybe ONE person may read....are ya out there, my lone admirer?? It's strange how I read other blogs and feel like I *know* someone (of course I do know some) but in general it's a strange concept, isn't it? I wish I could say I write for myself and who the hell cares if anyone else reads about me, but being just the slightest bit narcissistic, I suppose I do write for others as well. At least I'm honest, HAHAHA!

Special Night Tonight

Keara and her daddy have a date tonight. They are going to Daddy/Daughter Date Night. They will be going to a ballroom at a hotel nearby at 7pm. There will be refreshments, dancing, prizes and so much more. Jay has ordered her a corsage and she got him a boutonniere. They will be dressed in their "wedding clothes" and have a blast. Keara is BEYOND excited to be going on this special "date" with her favorite guy, daddy. I will update tomorrow.

ME

I don't have anything to say. I just don't have a life. Well that's not entirely true, Keara has been giving us trouble again. She is having trouble sleeping in her room and that has been so FUN. Kai is just Kai. Drig is increasingly getting harder and harder. He is so sad to watch some times. When I see other kids just chatting away...it BREAKS my heart. Then there is the issue of his behavior. UGH he can't transition and it drives me nuts. I know I am supposed to be patient and understand but I just want to say "GET OVER IT". Then in turn I feel horrible for feeling that way. Lovely thought process isn't it? And of course the ever changing feelings about my marriage. I don't trust Jay anymore and because of that, I can't enjoy myself with him. Doesn't make much sense. I just always *know* there is something going on behind my back. Of course maybe there isn't but I have given the benefit of doubt for YEARS. I really thought it might be over and then he does something else. Plus, I don't need that much to go off now. You know, my resistance is down. SO....that is my world and the people that surround me daily. Oh and my head is numb. It started like this before and I guess I need to get back to the cardiologist because last time I was passing out everyday when it got bad. I haven't yet but been close. I just can't go back on those meds. I was soooooo depressed. I cannot get that way again. I mean right now my life is not the greatest but I know it will get better yk? If I went back on the meds, I just think I wouldn't cope well. You know it is so boring being me...

Girls Rock

I love having a girl. And even more than that I love that she is a girly girl. Keara got a make a purse kit for Christmas and we had such fun with it. She is going on a date for Valentine's Day with her daddy. They are going to a hotel ball room for dinner, dancing, and fun. So, we made the purse to go with her beautiful red velvet and taffeta dress she got from her Nan. It turned out fabulous. She is going to be the "belle of the ball".

And I thought I was ok?!?

Keara says: "Mommy even though some people don't think so, I think you are very pretty!"

Jay and I just kinda stood there. I mean come on, what am I gonna say to that? I want to know who thinks I'm ugly??? Damnit, tell me! I couldn't help but laugh, Keara really thought she was being extra nice. My sweet girl!

No Resolutions 4 Me

I was going to come here and declare my resolutions, thus having them held to accountability...well shit NO. I started to say I was bound and determined in this the year of 2006, to lose all my extra pounds, manage my money better and be a terrific mother, wife, friend, daughter, person....but that is just plain shit! I have no intention of upholding any of those things so why lie and say I do. First, I already have an excuse about exercise and diet, I injured my knee last evening, I CAN'T exercise (hell I don't even get to enjoy my favorite position with Jay ;), why the hell would I exercise when I can't do that?)...dieting is pointless without the exercise, right? My money isn't gonna get magically bigger in my wallet, so why would I be better managing it? I mean come on, it's still gonna be nonexistent. As for being a better person, IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME, THEN DON'T TALK TO ME! I am not changing, besides the whole thing about being an old dog, I just have no desire. So there ya have it...no resolutions from me!

You're It

I was tagged by Silly.

*Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot :

the state of indiana
watching me grow
citymama
mad cap mini
Golf Pro's Wife

*Then select five people to tag:
http://eatquiltsleep.blogspot.com/
http://cookiesforlunch.blogspot.com/
http://griffithfive.blogspot.com/
http://www.emjowo.blogspot.com/
http://maternitycorner.blogspot.com/

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Living with my new husband, trying to get pregnant...

What were you doing 1 year ago ?

Waiting for Jay, like tonight...inventory sucks!

Five snacks you enjoy:

1. chips and salsa
2. sunflower seeds
3. cashews
4. cheese nips
5. soy nuts

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics :

1. Carolina In My Mind - James Taylor
2. Tupelo Honey - Van Morisson
3. Come Monday - Jimmy Buffett
4. Tears In Heaven - Eric Clapton
5. Eidelweiss

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

1. Buy a new house
2. Pay off debts
3. Pay off our parents' debts
4. Donate
5. Hire a nanny LOL

Five bad habits:

1. swearing
2. not eating right
3. not budgeting
4. worrying
5. minesweeper

Five things you like doing:

1. time playing with my kids
2. time with my other family
3. crafts
4. photography
5. Jay ;)

Five things you would never wear, buy or get new again:

1. bell bottoms
2. short shorts
3. mumus
4. maternity wear
5. jean jacket

Five favorite toys:

1. computer
2. camera
3. tv
4. all games for computer
5. can't talk about that other one here ;)

Christmas was a success

Well, we caved! Of course we did, because, although our kids cause us the utmost havoc, we can't possibly look into those pitiful eyes come Christmas morning. I know, we are weak. We were up to our eyeballs in wrapping when the phone rang. It was freaking 10:30, "what the hell do you want?" I ask. Ummmm the damn alarm went off at work. Of course being it is Christmas Eve we figured someone actually broke in. So out of the jammies goes Jay and into the minivan to work. Meanwhile I am still wrapping and we have 2 half way together Buzz motorcycles all sprayed across the living room. We were in BIG trouble if the kids awoke, thankfully they did not. Jay returned sometime after 11:30 and we finished our endeavor around 1:30. We still had to eat those damn cookies and of course the pizza and beer that OUR Santa must have. Why do those things taste sooooo awful when you are forced to eat them??

We got up the next morning at 7:30, not bad considering how many times we had to tell Kai to go back to sleep. The kids enjoyed their gifts and we had some yummy cinnamon rolls. The rest of the day was just lazy. The kids have been sick for going on 3 weeks, just miserable colds but still aggravating enough, so any outdoor adventure is just off. We trotted our butts out the door around 4:30 to get our traditional Chinese for Christmas. It is also been my tradition for GAWD, 17 years to drive around on Christmas and find at least one pathetic soul, thus I proclaim "at least it's not that bad!" Don't know why but it does make me feel better. I'm not bah humbug but I am not really about the season the way most are. I have always enjoyed the giving MUCH more than the getting and it is depressing when all my giving ends up being less than what I would like because of money. Just ruins the whole thing for me. I make everything personal but I just have too much to do, yk? Enough with the rant....

Eye Dr. Visit

Yesterday was complete and utter hell with the kids. My kids, you see, are just not the happy-go-lucky, easy going children that some (feels like most) other people have. Keara and Kai needed to go to the eye Dr. Keara just needed to have her yearly exam, should be NO big deal and Kai is still having the eye issues. Keara went in first with her daddy. He came back to the car, got Kai and started him going about 15 minutes later. After another 15 minutes he comes running out to the car screaming "You need to go in there, Keara is being a baby and WILL NOT do the eyedrops." OK! I go in and do my most soothing voice and say "Keara we really need to do this, let's just be quick and get it done." Does that work? NO. I drag her butt back to the car and go back in to get Kai to do the drops. He did the drops but could only manage to open one eye for the dr. So, they have to return next week and do it all over again. And I am out $110 for this wasted visit. Keara and Kai are grounded! They are both going to be doing 11hrs of chores to pay me back. I guess there goes Keara's vacation. OH WELL! My mom suggested we take Santa away...so the plan is going to be that the kids will come out and there will not be Santa presents out. They will have to sit with that for a couple of hours until we can see they have learned the importance of behaving, then we will phone Santa. At this point Santa will tell us that he did in fact leave some presents in the laundry room, but wants them to understand that this will be the last time he can do that. (this is the plan but Jay often caves with pressure and I am not sure he can stand it) We also made them clean out the play room and we took 4 garbage bags of toys to the Mission Donation. It's funny because Keara is such a sweet thoughtful kid except when she feels threatened (the dr., dentist or even the hair salon will send her over the edge). Keara was so excited to donate for kids that didn't have anything, she even wanted to give her favorite doll. So stay tuned to see if my kids "get" the message. LOL That is truly funny.

Some People

I make cookies. brownies, cheesecake, and all sorts of baked goods for Jay to take with him to work. Do you think I can get any kind of gratitude for that?? HELL NO! I am so sick of it. I made some bark (you know chocolate and white chocolate mint) and the first batch of white chocolate just didn't spread well. I had enough to make another batch with the same bag and same deal. But then when I made the third batch, it was really PRETTY. So, instead of "gee thanks for making that, or yummmm!" I get "well that is prettier than the last batch." The first two still tasted GREAT, but NO that is not the point! I am so DONE doing this shit.

*ok I feel better just typing that out*

Our weekend

The lawn mower parade was a hit. We picked Keara up from school at 12:30. She immediately told us that she had some trouble during lunch. Well, turns out she wrote on the table. So, I made her write her teacher an apology note with 5 GOOD sentences. She wanted to write "I am very very very sorry." five times but I told her that wouldn't cut it. She did 4 really well written ones and the last I had her write "I will never write on school property again." She didn't like that idea but I told her that now her teacher had it in writing and she could be held accountable for her actions. That was just the first 20 minutes of our LONG weekend. UGH I hate short trips. We went to my mom's first because my dad's boss was in town and wanted to see the kids. Well I thought, you know, my kids. NO he wanted to see the adult kids. I felt really bad because my little terrors were in their prime ready to go after a 5 hr. drive. We finally made it to Jay's parent's house at 10 or so. Then Jay went to Wally world because he had yet to tell me anything to get for his parents. Saturday morning we did Xmas with his parents, then off to his grandparents for more. I really hate it when someone gives gifts to the kids and I didn't do for their kids. Jay's cousins bought my three a lot and it really makes me feel like a dope! Then for dinner, off we went to my parents. My mom had the notion of the kids helping her to decorate the sugar cookies for the parade the next day. Do you have any idea what sugar cookies and sugar icing and red dye and MY CHILDREN do together?? OMGAWD they were so wired. They were extra loud, hyper and just plain obnoxious. UGH We had a nice night but it was kinda stressful. We ended up leaving Kai because he just crashed. The next morning, we went back to my parent's house to decorate our trailer. We ride in a hay filled trailer hauled by my dad's tractor. All the kids wanted to be Rudolph, so we painted their noses red. We had carols and tossed candy canes along the way. The kids thought it was fantastic. Of course we had to deal with Kai hiding his damn eyes the entire trip because the sun hurts. Keara was picking her privates because apparently she has a hay allergy that we didn't know about. I do as well, one leg up the entire side is broken out. At the end of the parade, we had the usual cider and cookies at a good friend's house. It was fun to see everyone. Then at 4 we headed back on the road again for home. The kids were really out of sorts and I really don't think we will be making that kind of trip again...it just is too much. Drig suffered the most. We haven't seen him out of his element like this was and he was really grumpy. He just could not deal with the chaos. Poor guy. Anyway, we survived and now we are all catching up. I have more to tell but GAWD I am tired tonight. LOL

Family

Butt Burping

Yesterday at the dr.'s office, Kai has to go to the potty. He tells the nurse and anyone that would listen "I have to pee, no actually I have to poop!" So we are in there and I am hurrying him along because the dr. is waiting. He had finished or so I thought, then he farts. We all started laughing (why is it that farting does that to people?) So he looks over and says totally matter of fact "Mom, I am not done, I still have more, it was just my butt burping!" LOL Too funny!

Nightmare?

OMG Yesterday was a day from hell. I had 3 kids sick (the kind of sick that is just enough to keep them from going to school but not the kind that they actually lay around and relax sick) kids home with me. They have been sick for 5 LONG days now. And it was Jay's day to work open-close plus his company dinner last night. OMG I am so so so tired. The kids just whined and bitched ALL damn day. My own health is teetering too. I have become the Nyquil queen and it isn't helping, guess it's time for the dreaded dr. visit.

This morning we woke to the normal battles a la Keara and Drig. And then to top it off my lovely Jay decided to cut his own damn hair. Then he comes into the living room amid breakdowns and tantrums and me saying "Keara eat, Kai just sit there for one minute I promise to get your medicine in just a sec and Drig PLEASE stop pulling my hair and get your shoes on....no the socks are fine, please leave the shoes on Drig, Keara please eat and stop reading, Kai just one more sec." He says "Can you fix my hair, I kinda fucked it up?" UH WHAT? NOW? NO, I will not fix your stupid hair this very minute, I'm BUSY! So, he is pissed off at me too. Then they all left and Kai finally got his medicine. By then, though I decided he needed to be seen today, he is pretty sick. So we pack up to get Drig at school and stop on the way home at the dr.s. Of course, he only has a virus that there is NO medication for (we did get some ointment for his eyes though). Now I have to get them fed and off to get Keara. Then back to the pharmacy and home for homework. I want to get our tree that we supposed to get Sat, but the kids were sick. I WANT a tree and I know if we don't do it tonight, I probably won't get one. So, I guess I'll have to kiss some ass tonight and get my tree! What a day!

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays! (I don't CARE if it is politically incorrect to say this...LOL)

These were our Holiday cards (the first two) I prefer the second but of course Jay opted for the first. And of course the annual Santa experience. Can't wait to show ya the Lawn Mower Parade pictures...the kids are reindeer this year...maybe I'll be an elf LOL.

* Yes I had to insert Drig into the Santa pic. He is such a stinker! *

Totally stolen from silly...

A is for age: 33
B is for booze of choice: Pinot Grigio
C is for career: Mom
D is for your dad's name: Stephen
E is for essential items to bring to a party: Me??
F is for favorite song at the moment: Susie Snowflake...only if sung by Keara
G is for favorite game: Minesweeper
H is for hometown: Redwood City, CA
I is for instruments you play: piano
J is for jam or jelly you like: strawberry or grape jam
K is for kids: Killian (deceased), Keara, 7, Kai, 4, Padraig, 3
L is for living arrangements: 3bdrm 2bath house
M is for mom's name: Patricia
N is for name of your crush: Tony Stewart
O is for overnight hospital stays: 4 times with the kids' births and 4 with kids sick
P is for phobias: used to be driving, still some...pumping gas??? Weird I know!
Q is for quotes you like: "You can catch flies better with honey than with vinegar"
R is for relationship that lasted the longest: Current 11+ years
S is for sexual preference: Yes
T is for time you wake up: 6 on the weekdays and 7 if I am lucky on weekends
U is for underwear: cotton lycra blend (Victoria's Secret)
V is for vegetable you love: love them all
W is for weekend plans: We are going to Mom's in NC for the Lawnmower Parade.
X is for x-rays you've had: many, Don't even know how many, my foot alone was like 30
Y is for yummy food you make: cheesecake, pretty much anything sweet
Z is for zodiac sign: Aries

Lousy Blogger

Wow I am a slacker. I have been busy doing all these damn computer projects for Christmas and I just don't have the energy to do anything else here. So, there!

Let's see this month so far...
Drig has been sick like every other day, it's great that he gets to go to the PreK but it is wrecking havoc on his little bod. He is so sweet, poor guy! On another level, he is driving me nuts. I shouldn't complain about him and it certainly is not his fault but GAWD he is so frustrating. I know that this is a long road but it is so HARD. He is disabled and I know that I have to have patience, it is going to take EVERYTHING in me to handle it the right way. I LOVE my Drig so very much. He is the most precious thing ever. I want to do it right. I need to do it right. More than that, I have so much ahead that I will have to fight for him. He has so many obstacles and I have to make them passable for him. It is amazing what you have to go through to get ANYTHING done. RED TAPE UGH!!!

Kai has this lovely eye infection?? We don't actually know what it is but my little turkey is rubbing so much that he is actually raw under his eyes. I actually think it is a viral thing because Keara has eye pain too. He is driving me nuts too. I know it's my own fault. He is the middle child. He is often put aside because he has a more needy brother and an school age sister. It shouldn't be that way, but with my health and everything else it just is how it gets. I really have to change that come the new year....more playdates for mommy and Kai!

Keara is doing well. She has some sort of virus too. It is amazing that she can have a temp and still act like a crazy kid. I have a hard time keeping her home but what can ya do? She is starting a new reading group and she has already mastered the 3rd grade book they gave her. They wanted her to read 25 pages for the first week and she finished the book in two days LOL. She got the next one as her library book and finished it in one day. I even caught her reading on the pot LOLOLOLOL. Now that was a sight.

Me...hmmm...well I think it must be the time of year. I SO MISS KILLIAN. It's so weird to have such strong feelings for so long after. I just wish....no use going there!

Jay is Jay!

I promise to get back here more often. I really like putting my feelings in words.

WAR EAGLE!

Congrats to a great season Tigers! The game this weekend proved the champions you are! (Just had to put a blurb in for ya)

Thanksgiving

The things I am thankful for....

1. My children, their health, their happiness and their overall sweetness :)
2. My mom and dad...they are the best parents ever
3. My husband...most of the time ;)
4. My dear friends, mostly in the cyber world, you know who you are!
5. My inlaws, they do the best they know how ;)
6. My home, it's not the greatest house in the world but sooooo much more than some have
7. My cars, hey they work.
8. My extended family
9. My sense of humor (needed for all of the above)
10. GOD

There are plenty more and these all change in order given the moment of thought. I have a blessed life and I am thankful for ALL that I have.

Tony

CONGRATULATIONS TONY!

I knew you would pull it off and I was so happy when you did it. I even got to call my dad and GLOAT! I LOVE IT. This has been such a great year, can't wait for next year. OOOHHH and to see ya all dressed up for the banquet.....I might faint.

All Dolled Up

We went to a wedding last month. No one ever sees me like this, even though I dress this way all the time LOL. It was fun to dress in peace, we actually got to shower together (ooohhhlala) and then enjoy an adult night drinking, dancing (yeah I was dancing with some girlfriends...Jay does not dance) and just plain whooping it up for an evening. My parents had the kids, so no worries there.

*That GAWD AWFUL painting in the background is the bane of my existence. I bought that masterpiece when we first married at a yard sale AS A JOKE! Jay fell in love with that damn thing and I have had to endure it in every living room since. Doesn't the vomit green color we painted the walls compliment it well?*

SYRUP NATION

I know I am going to hell when all is quiet in the playroom. The boys are not capable of anything that is remotely quiet. I was in such a zone, trying desperately to get my Christmas cards and pictures ordered, that I completely blanked out on the nonnoise factor. In TEN GDAMN minutes...yes that is all it takes when you are boy geniuses, they were up to NO GOOD. Drig comes running out, screaming. I think "what has Kai done now?" He comes over with his arms spread looking for his hug and what else would the best mom ever do? (ok I am pushing it but damnit I need some reassurance every now and then) So, we are in the middle of the best bear hug and I notice that his hair is wet. I think, "well isn't that lovely, your brother poured water on your head." NO, I was wrong....it is SYRUP! At this point I realize that not only is it in his hair and mine too, but also all over his entire body. I raced into the playroom only to find Kai has stripped down to his undies, and there is that fine drizzle of syrup over the entire room. Apparently he thought it would be fun to see just how far he could make the bottle go. He filled two hats and placed one over Drig's head, the other was for the unsuspecting Clifford stuffed dog. He had spoons and plastic egg halves partially filled, laying amongst the dinosaurs that are now posed eating from said containers. I had to call my mom, just so I didn't lose it. My morning was supposed to be so different but alas, the boys got a bath and the darn carpet got yet more cleaning. I swear it will wear out from my scrubbing, one day I will rub and the carpet will melt away in my hands. I love my boys, I love my boys, I love my boys....one day soon I can stop convincing myself.

And the other exciting news of the day...
Jay comes in tonight and announces that he is going to interview for a job in Tobago (as in Trinidad, like some island down by Venezuela) WHAT??? He has convinced Keara, she went to bed humming some island tune and asking if we can live on the beach? Again WHAT???? This will take me a couple of days to digest.

I think he must be on something, no truly!

Puff Piece

Do all kids like cheese puffs? Or as Kai says "cheese puffesses". Seriously there are certain foods that must just be universal "SHUT THE KIDS UP, FOODS." I am convinced of this. Example: have you ever seen a child refuse Pringles, fries, school pizza, or ice cream? I mean these are the wondrous foods that if you dangle them in front of any child, they will become mesmerized into a stupor. This is the perfect time for you to go potty by yourself, I tell ya! And yes there are some strange kids out there that won't fall for it but the majority will, so hey go for it! And the great part is that mostly you can feel ok about not just giving them candy (which is not against the law BTW) and really adding some kind of that damn pyramid into the mix!

I know strange blurb in my usually so deep blog, but every now and then I do have dumb down days!!!

Padraig's Story

Written a couple of days after his birth...

On Friday the 11th we went in for an u/s and found that the cord was near his neck. I freaked out and we tried to get the Drs to do something early but were told that I would probably end up with 2 amnios which have risks in themselves. So we worried all weekend and went back on Tuesday the 15th. We had another u/s and this time did color Doppler, found a lot of cord again under his chin, around his arm and just everywhere. The Dr. decided to go ahead and send us on the 16th to get the amnio.

Wed. morning we got to the hospital at 6am. They did the amnio at 7, which BTW I had no anesthetic and did not hurt at all, I was so scared but it was so easy. The Dr. commented that he was glad we were doing it because there was a "mile of cord in there". He told us he doubted that the quickest test would come back mature because he was 35 weeks. But at 10 or so he walked in with a big grin and said we were good to go.

I won't bore ya with all the section details lets just say it was long because I had a lot of scarring from the last one. At 11:40 Padraig was born 6lb 3oz, 18 in., with the cord wrapped around his neck once if we had waited the week, I don't think the outcome would have been good. They again said there was tons of cord. Plus the Dr. said my uterus was too thin to have labored so its good I didn't.

Padraig was taken with daddy to the NICU where they watched him. He did great and just needed warmth. He came in to recovery and started nursing like a champ. My recovery was great, this time they gave me a PCA so I was much better off. The first night went well. Padraig was good until about 5am the next morning. He had a spitting session and they whisked him off to the nursery where he apparently went blue. They told me that he went to NICU for blood sugar levels. I was a wreck because I couldn't go to NICU until they removed my Foley. They were delaying it every way possible because of stabilizing Padraig. They came in and had me pump and changed my meds before they finally got the Foley out at 8. I practically jumped out of bed to get down there. He was in a warmer with all these wires and stuff attached made my heart break. I did get to feed him and just hold him for awhile. To make a long story short, he stayed the entire day in there and was finally back with me in the evening. He stayed good for the rest of the stay!! We were released on Saturday.

Since coming home Padraig had to go to get weight checked that Saturday and Sunday because he lost too much in the hospital. Then on Monday we went back to see the Dr. He was back to 5lb 11oz. On Wednesday evening he stared the spitting again, so we took him back Thursday and we are now trying Zantac for Reflux. He also has an Inguinal Hernia so we are in the process of scheduling surgery for that. All in all he is the most precious little guy ever. He sleeps a lot more than the other two ever did which makes it easy for me J .

In the meantime, Keara developed a fever of 104 last week and is now on antibiotics, doing better. Kai just started his fever Sunday and is on antibiotic too, still has his fevers but he is a great sick kid. I developed a fever Sunday as well. Went in and had cervical cultures and labs. I am on antibiotics too and just barely hanging on. The upside is all my weight will be gone by the time this is over. Jason is a saint for sleeping on the floor and taking care of kids, me, house, laundry, everything! Keara is a little mama to Padraig and Kai is the cutest. He walks over all the time and in the highest pitched voice says "hey there". Then he softly kisses the back of his head. He truly loves him.

Kai's Story

Written acouple of days after his birth...

His story actually starts on the 30th of July. I started to notice that Kai was not moving around that much, being previously very active, I was slightly concerned but he still passed the kick count test. On Mon. he was basically the same and I just kept watch. Then Tues. we had our appt. with the NST. He was definitely off. He usually kicked the entire time but he wouldn’t move at all this time. The Dr. buzzed him and he did move then but still not usual. He had one decel so they sent us to the hospital for the Stress Test. I got my ctx going every five minutes and he seemed to tolerate them fine so they sent us home. On Wed. and Thurs. he continued to act lethargic…which is what I had told the Dr. on Tues. Then on Thurs night I started with regular ctx. every 10-12 mins. I debated going over to be checked but decided to shower and try to calm down to see what happened. As it turned out they died down and I went to bed. During these ctx. Kai was pretty active so I never worried there.

On Fri. morning I got up and decided to do the kick count because I had had such a stressful night before. I had coffee, orange juice and a poptart to get Kai going and laid down. In an hour I got only two rolls. I called the dr. and told them I was concerned so they had me come in at 1pm. When I got to the clinic at first they tried to tell me that this was totally normal and I had to bite my tongue or I would have cried…I have heard this so often and yet I also lost a son too, so I didn’t need that. Kwim? They decided to hook up the NST again and at first they didn’t get a heartbeat. My stomach was so queasy. Then we had the hb but he was not moving. They came in and did the buzzer again and this time not only did he not move but he deceled into the 80’s every time. I knew something was really wrong. They quickly rushed us over to the hospital again and hooked up the stress test. I started ctx again and this time he deceled and didn’t rebound good at all. The Dr. wanted to be very sure though so we stayed on the monitor for 2.5 hrs. In the meantime I told my mom to get her booty driving, cuz I was not leaving the hospital, even if they told me to!!

After all the monitoring, the Dr. decided that Kai was struggling….he thought I had uterine placental distress. I told him again that I felt Kai was lethargic and again he said that wasn’t the issue!! He debated on trying vaginal, just because I was so favorable but decided that if Kai was stressed with theses little ctx, how would really big ones do. So they said c-section. I was there in the observation room and all of a sudden everyone descended on me. They kicked Jay and Keara out and within five minutes I was being wheeled to the surgical room. Let me tell you, I was seriously shaking with fear! They wanted to do the general but I said the spinal would be fine! It all happened so quickly from there and felt like a dream. I couldn’t tell when he came out but when I heard him scream, man I cried uncontrollably. Then they started talking about his cord. The dr. said he had never in his career seen five loops around the neck. And once again I had a super long cord….Killian’s was 6ft. now I am convinced that it is genetic and in males for us.

I finally got to see Kai after what seemed forever and amazingly, he scored 8, 9 on apgars. He is such a doll. I won’t go into major detail about the recovery but lets just say, it wasn’t fun. I am allergic to all the narcotics they gave me. If you got this far thanks. We are just so thankful that Kai is alive. Jay was so sweet; he came into recovery to quickly say…"thank you for saving our son."

Keara's Story

Keara was my easiest birth. I have misplaced her story, so excuse the roughness of this account 7 years later....

Keara was a planned induction, given what had happened to Killian. Everything in her pregnancy was smooth. (ok I did have some aches and pains mostly my p. bone...and I did have some preterm labor issues but they resolved pretty easily) We had to be at the hospital at 6am, it was a 1 hr and 20 minute drive to get there, so we were dragging by the time we arrived. They hooked me up to all the monitors and the pitocin at about 7:30. By about 11am I started to get some pretty horrendous contractions. I already decided that this kid was gonna be an epi child so when they checked me at that point and I was 4.5cm, I said "Bring it on!"

They inserted the epi. OH how I fell in LOVE with my epi Dr. I think at that point I even told him so! LOL Anyway, I am the sort that gets paralyzed from the epi from the chest down. I cannot move a muscle. I am also allergic to whatever the narcotic that they use, so I itch intensely. Jay can account for the itching as I was asking him to be the scratcher (and if you know how it feels to itch on the inside, places you cannot reach, you will understand the agony I as well as Jay were in)

I finally reached 6cm at around 3:30-4. But I got stuck. My dr. had an emergency come in and said if I could go faster, he will be delivering but otherwise I had to have the BITCH dr. I had despised (you know the female dr. who simply tells you that you are too fat and need to stop overeating...umm I DID NOT overeat, I gained a lot more with Killian, ugh) So, I was freaking out. I could not think about having this woman in there. Finally my dr. came back and said he had to go, so I was stuck.

At 5ish I figured out that I hadn't been given a cath and that was keeping Keara too high. They came in and inserted one and OMG I have never seen that much pee...Jay was dying! But that was the trick. Keara decided about 10 minutes later to come on down. I went from the 6cm to the 10 in less than 30 minutes. At this point I decided that I wanted my mommy. I didn't know that Jay would tell the bitch dr. to back off if necessary but knew mom would. So she joined Jay and I in the labor room. (I did have to strictly advise that there were to be NO pictures of my hoohaw or boobies while she came out or breast feeding cuz my mom would have totally done that)

It took me a full 3 contractions...with 4 pushes each to get Keara out. At one point they asked me to stop pushing, yeah right, like that is gonna happen NOT. She came out and was not crying, so that worried me a lot. But she was just a quiet thing early on. She whimpered but nothing else. She got great apgars and was perfectly pink before they even cleaned her. I swear to G*d that all the nurses and drs all said she was so gorgeous. I didn't even see any blood on her when she was laid on my belly.

I had some tearing and an episiotomy but everything else was great. We went home and this time when I left I had a beautiful baby girl in my arms. It was the best feeling ever. Keara was perfect and I was so HAPPY.

Killian's Story

Written some time in the early months after his death...

We had been trying to get pregnant for so long. We starting charting temperatures and using the ovulation kits. In April 96 we finally did it. We were so excited. We went to the Dr. and confirmed it. Then I started to spot. We went in for an ultrasound to find that there was no sac. I had miscarried. We were completely devastated but nothing could prepare us for what was to come.

We waited the three long months after I m/ced to try again and everything went perfect. On August 30th we went to a James Taylor concert and conceived that night. (We decided that we would name a girl after him; Jenson Taylor.) Once again, we were thrilled. I started to spot again and we thought we were going to lose another baby. We went in for the u/s expecting the worse, but instead came out floating on a cloud. We had a heartbeat. We were nervous but we knew that if I got into bed the baby would be fine. I stayed in bed for 2 weeks until I started to not just spot but bleed. I remember it as it was yesterday, my husband and I were playing cards in bed and I thought I had just wet myself, we were laughing. Then I passed a clot that I thought was the baby (I'm sorry so graphic but that is what I thought.) My husband collected it on the Drs. advice to bring to his office in the morning. When we arrived, once again, I thought the worst. We got another u/s that showed a very strong heartbeat and placental abruption. Apparently this was the cause of the original bleeding as well. I was only 12 weeks at this point and resigned to bed rest. Well, at 14 weeks I went back to get yet another u/s (that we recorded) and discovered that all that rest had paid off. I was completely healed. Oh did I mention that I was not allowed to do anything? It was really hard on my husband but he was great. Finally I would be allowed to walk around and at least do some "light" activities. It sounds great so far and it was.

I started to show big for my duedate and I had some normal complaints...my son was extremely active and heartburn were two that come to mind. He also had hiccups all the time. I was going through what I considered normal.

I went in for my 36 week checkup on Tues. April 22, 1997, and everything was right on schedule. In fact, the Dr. said that if I were to go into labor they would not stop it. On Thurs. I was really feeling sick and stayed in bed most of the day. I noticed there wasn't much movement but I wasn't concerned because everyone had told me that it would slow down at the end. The next morning I noticed no movement. My son was not like that, so I called and they told me to do the kick count. I did it and nothing. I went to the Drs. office and they did the Doppler. They didn't get the heartbeat. My mom was with me (it was the only time my husband wasn't there). She kept telling me that he was probably in a position that they couldn't get it. I was already crying as if I knew. We did the u/s. Having had so many already, I knew what to look for. I didn't see the heartbeat and they confirmed my worst fear. My baby had died. I didn't know what to do. I had to call my husband and tell him. That was the hardest for me. My mom called my sister to have her drive my husband to the Drs. office and start the process.

My sister came and drove me and my husband home to retrieve some clothes for the hospital. The whole way I cried and laughed, I know now that I was in complete shock. We went back to the hospital and when I arrived the nurse asked me how far along I was...I didn't know how to answer, she thought they were going to induce my living baby. I had only that one bad experience. Everyone was wonderful to me.

I was very fortunate to have a quick labor. They broke my bags of water in the morning and I went through about 3 hours of really hard labor. Then, they decided it would be better if I had the epidural...I was having too many contractions too close together. The only bad part was the intense itching as I was allergic to something in it. I was at 4cm when the nurse told me that I would know when to call her because it would feel different. About 45mins later I called her back. She laughed and said it was too early, then she checked and saw the cord and the head. The Dr. barely made it in there and I was pushing. I only had to push four different episodes with about three bear-downs each time and I delivered.

My son was born still yet I know I was hoping that he would cry out. They were stunned by what they discovered had gone wrong. My cord was 183cm and normal is about 55cm. My Dr. was so shocked that he went to get a book to look up what this was all about. He had never seen anything like that. The cord actually hit the floor before my baby was all the way out. They cleaned him alittle and handed him to us. He was perfect, every feature. He had a full head of hair...long fingers and a beautiful face. He weighed 5lbs 11oz and was 18in. We immediately named him Killian Joseph. (I found out later that Killian means "little and warlike," so fitting.) We had originally decided that we didn't want anyone else to see him, but we changed our minds once we saw how perfect he was. Our families all got to hold him and love on him for those precious moments. We also took pictures and got his clothes and some hair, hand/foot prints to keep etc.

They did an autopsy and nothing was wrong with him. They have ruled this a cord accident. He was really lucky to have lasted as long as he did, without compressing such a long cord sooner.
I am still having a hard time with his passing and I know that he will always be with me. Recently someone asked me if I could relive one day the exact way it was originally what day would I choose? I would definitely relive the day my son was born still. That was a hard day for me but I would go back just to hold him and see my angel one more time.

Feminism

Well my viewpoint on this subject has done a 180. When I was 16, I thought the world would be in order as long as women had the same rights and jobs as men, with the same pay. I felt that my education and career were the most important aspect of my future. I was going to become the best damn lawyer and child advocate out there. I wasn't going to get married until I was well into my thirties and I really wasn't sure about children. If I decided on children, it would have to be a daughter and that's it! I was stubborn in any debate, often getting angry when someone questioned my knowledge on any subject. Politics only consisted of liberal views and you didn't want to get me started on the issue of abortion. (Umm Pro-Choice is not the opposite of Pro-Life) I was indeed headstrong.

Now looking back, I still view a lot of things the same but with a slightly more mature (hopefully) attitude. I still believe that women should be afforded the same rights and pay as men. I still think education is important, maybe not to the same extent, but still with great value to one's future. I still am the child advocate I once was, only in a different arena. When I got married, I saw my future in a different light. I allowed myself to be taken care of by a man. (OK I didn't know at the time....he had me removed from my work schedule and ultimately out of my job) But that being said, I didn't really argue the point much either...by then I was on my road to mommydom. The one and only thing on my mind was becoming a mommy. I puttered around our little apartment, scrubbing, cooking, and organizing (Yeah, Jay thought I was insane...he actually put his foot down when I had arranged his shirts in color scheme and alphabetized his cd collection...he could not find a damn thing thanks to me!) I no longer felt the need to fight for every woman out there. I was too busy laying on my back with feet propped waiting for the damn swimmers to finally make their destination. When that finally happened, I was pushed to the edge with my first miscarriage. Little did I know what would follow. Killian died and a part of my demand to be heard resurfaced. Thus my child advocacy years were emerging. Of course, it was no where near where I had expected it to be, I was actually fighting for my OWN children now. The beginning battles were just about having a voice in my ever complicated woes in childbearing. I wasn't getting anywhere with the drs and that started a fire that was familiar to anyone that had known me premarriage. After years of having to FIGHT for EVERY damn thing regarding the health of my children, I have finally come to understand my role as a moderate (ok maybe that's being too generous) feminist. I know that I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HEARD! It's strange that it actually is the role I had intended, just in a different form. I always knew that I would someday stand up for children's rights, I just had no idea it would begin with my own children. How strange the turns have become. So someday, I do in fact hope to swing another 180 and get back to "work" helping children other than my own. Someday, I hope to view the work I do now as the prehistoric age (I mean come on...a mother, wife, housekeeper and cook, bowing to my husbands needs?? How could I?) But for now I am grateful to carry the illusion that women and men need to have defined roles. I need to be home with my children (and I can't really afford to work as daycare is a whole other rant). It's become kind of defining in itself, that I can still have strong opinions and have a husband and children. (If my dad read this he would pee himself!)

Football

I know my stories about the kids are humorous (because I am quite witty, did I say that out loud? hmmm) Anyhoo, I also want this to be a journey of sorts for my kids to know me (they probably will die of embarrassment but oh well) I think the best way for me to to that would be to just pick random subjects and discuss how I feel....

So once again, if this kind of eclectic thinking drives ya nuts, then GO AWAY!

Football

Hey, you have to start somewhere and it's on tv, so?? I am a die-hard Niner fan. I grew up in the Bay Area, practiced soccer alongside of my Niners and it grew from there. I don't want any heckling, yes I know the state they have been in for a couple or ten years. They are still my HOME team. But the NFL is no longer my favorite in the football arena. I am a junkie for college ball too. Of course my beloved Auburn...I am biased but damnit we deserved a shot at that #1 last year. It is so awesome living amongst a team. Keara's school last year had Tailgate Day, with Carnell, and Ronnie and Jason Campbell all in attendance. How many kids 5 and 6 years old get to experience this? I mean Keara sitting on Jason Campbell's lap and pictures with "Cadillac" and Ronnie. How cool is that? This year the cheerleaders will come to her school a lot of Fridays and open the doors for the kids in the car line. I mean Keara wears her little cheer outfit and is in heaven. COOL. Anyway, back to my love of football. I can watch and NOT embarrass my husband which has been a HUGE bonus in our marriage. I can actually discuss previously played games without sounding like a moron. I don't argue or fight for the tv during football season (most weekends you will see me watching while he is off at work). My cousin played in college and I listened over the internet while I cleaned on Saturdays. Hell I almost went into labor at his HS playoff game, you are not going to see me quiet and seated at a football game. I can't remember ever missing the Superbowl. We always had these huge parties with our family (yes back then, I was normally cheering on my Niners) In fact one year they had to play at Stanford and we were out with the revilers cruising the streets after the Niners won. I can still see my grandfather's face tending bar and shouting madly at the little ones to "knock it off or take it outside" when they were being overly obnoxious for his taste. (that did not take much, however, I don't remember it with a sadness because that WAS Papa) I remember the beer, wine and food flowing freely. The atmosphere was friendly and hostile at the same time (we always had that guy who was rooting for the other team...he was relegated to the back or other room with the smaller tv...haha) We even had a tv stationed in the bathroom in case there was a urgent need to leave the party...you could not miss ANY part of the game. We played football in the yard at halftime, and I WASN'T a cheerleader! I played soccer for 13 years and each year my coach had us practice football as well. I LOVE FOOTBALL!

My Family, My Interpretation

Killian JosephPadraig Nicolas
Kai Thompson
Jason
Keara Makailynn

Wedding

So Silly I saw your wedding pic and decided that was way KOOL. So here is mine. Yes we had nine freaking attendants each and my brothers were ushers. Plus the two babies. We were freaking nuts! Look how young we are. BTW we are 10 years into this thing, 4 babies, 9 pregnancies and many sleepless nights and counting.

Sweet Keara

OK I didn't get back...get over it! I LOVE my sweet Keara. This morning she was using her Cheerios to create pictures while she ate. (She got such a good likeness to Jay hehehe) When she was leaving for school we were discussing Veteran's Day. How do you explain this to a seven year old? So I said it's a day for people that have served their country, such as going to war and such. So she looks back and says "Mom, I don't want to go to war, I want to be a Cheerios artist when I grow up." AAAWWWWWW

Another sweet Keara story....
She woke up this morning and told us about her dream last night. I knew she had a bad dream because my bed was invaded at midnight. Anyway, she tells me that she dreamt about a tornado. she said it was coming at her and I walked right over to the tornado and grabbed it. Then I tied it up and threw it away. How SWEET is that?!? She thinks I can always protect her. I fell all mushy just typing it out. LOVE MY SWEET KEARA!

Random Thoughts

What an eventful few days..........NOT! I am just recovering from all the sleep I finally managed to get. Jay was off 2 whole days in a row....I know I fainted too. So After I get up in the morn at 6 and make sure that Keara is dressed and beautified for school (Drig is sick yet again), I then head back to the king size heaven (and OMG I have it all to myself). I slept until 10 both mornings, ah it was sooooo nice. The crazy thing about my body though, I don't EVER feel rested, even with extra sleep. I dream WAY TOO MUCH! So, I mentioned Drig being sick again. GAWD, the boy can't stay healthy. The ENT put him on Tanafed and we will go back again in 3 weeks. He was only trying to pass his hearing test, but the damn tube is clogged and there is fluid stuck back there. UGH.

Yesterday we actually went out to Jay's work and shot some pics for our annual Christmas card. If you can believe it the shot we took first is the best. And I actually managed to get ALL three to smile!! Miracles happen everyday. So you know I named my blog and have yet to really discuss the impact Jay's job has on my life.....

Let me say as a disclaimer, I WILL NOT BASH ANYONE RELATED IN ANY WAY TO JAY'S JOB, NOR WILL I MENTION NAMES OF PEOPLE, PLACES AND POSSIBLY THINGS AT HIS JOB!

Being a golf pro's wife is mostly mundane. You expect the weird hours, long weekends, and endless discussion of weather. When you ask the question "How was your day at work?" you expect the same answer with two different versions, "It was great, pace of play was good!" or "It was ok, pace of play sucked!" Both of which didn't really satisfy my curiosity as to what really happened at work, but I am not privy to those sort of details. Every so often I must endure horrendous hours with the kids as a single parent because Jay must arrive at work at 5am and will not return home until dark thirty some time. During those said days, I usually find the kids at their most beastly and I lack patience more than I normally would. Jay will come in and say he is tired and thus spend the evening in the recliner asleep. I therefore don't speak with an adult for sometimes 3 full days. So if you do encounter me on the fourth day, I might sound like 4 year old and talk incessantly.

*will add more in a few, Drig just tore off is diaper and is running about marking his territory!

Depeche Mode

I LOVE Depeche Mode. I have been a fan for oh 22 years...saying that is really scary. I saw them in concert the first time when I was 16. It was a beautiful night out with a great guy, Steve. We had so much fun. Then I saw them in '94 with my BIL. That was another GREAT night. We danced in the aisles even when the damn security asked us not to. And I just got to see my beloved band again on Sat. Jay and I went to Atlanta, a two hour drive but worth every second. I actually left my kids with a friend and his girlfriend, I only asked to call and check 5 times, all of which Jay said HELL NO! I decked out in my least conspicuous 80's garb and did my very tamed 80's doo. It was marvelous to feel like that 16 year old again for a couple of hours. And my beloved played "Somebody" which I had yet to hear live. It is my absolute favorite song! Great night out.

A Conversation Between Keara and Kai

Kai: "Is it tomorrow?"

Keara: "No, it's today."

Kai: "No, but is it tomorrow yet?"

Keara: "Yesterday it was tomorrow today, but today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow."

Kai: crying and screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO, it is not today, yesterday you said it would be tomorrow and now it IS tomorrow."

Keara: "Kai, I can't help you buddy!"

Keara's Birthday

Keara's birthday was a success. She was so excited to go to school. I sent in a cake mix and the teacher helped her to bake it. She also received an ice cream at lunch "and no one else did!" We decorated the living room with streamers and balloons....she thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she got home. Her brothers each got her a Barbie pet pack and we gave her a Princess scarf, hat and gloves. Then we told her she could pick something out at the store. She had our money and some other relatives which gave her enough to buy a FurReal Puppy. His name is Scamps and I have to go off on a tangent here....

Scamps the puppy has really brain fu-ked me! You see this little dog can speak, beg, shake, and even become stubborn. If he decided to NOT do one of the afore mentioned, he simply WON'T. So we were working really hard to get him to shake and the damn dog was not having it. When he finally did it....I went on and on "ohhhh good puppy, great job, good pup, good doggy!" Then I started petting the damn thing and I really got sucked in. I mean he felt REAL. So now the dog that I am pet sitting for, is asleep on the couch and I am incessantly warning "sssssssssshhhhhhhhhh, don't wake Scamps!" I have been suckered. BahAHHHhhahhhha

Another random thought here. Jay is jealous. What in the world for you ask? I don't have the slightest idea. He says that I might find someone better someday and he just tries like hell for that not to happen. WHAT? It's too early for this thought, so I'll come back and formulate a better dialogue here.

Nothing on my agenda today! YEAH. I might even go get dressed now...MAYBE

Happy Birthday Keara

HAPPY 7TH BIRTHDAY SWEET KEARA

Mean Girls

Yesterday was another of those hectic wild days. I thought I would get some rest because Jay was supposed to be off. NO, didn't happen. So instead of a well rested body, I was hyped all day on caffeine trying to keep myself going. Keara had a bad day. Her words, not mine. She didn't seem to get *in trouble* but she said some of the girls she usually plays with didn't want her to play. The thing is we had the same issues with this little girl last year. Keara just can't seem to stay away from her and is so sucked in by the whole thing. I have tried to veer her in a different direction and we're hoping she will go that way today. This little girl isn't even in her classroom this year but they meet up on the playground. Last night she just had such sad eyes, yk? GAWD it just breaks my heart when she is sad. So after we had a complete meltdown over how big her slice of cheesecake was, I brushed her for twenty minutes, while coming up with ideas on how to avoid the conflicts at school. It is truly amazing what a little brushing will do for her. She came up with the idea to bring a tiny one to school and brush her arms when her skin feels weird. Jay is concerned that she will be teased. I think if it makes her FEEL better, then hell, bring it. It is so hard to see your daughter and know that she is different from her peers. She is the most enthusiastic child around but that isn't truly *COOL* so it appears odd. I really don't care what THEY think but you know at some point it will hit the fan and she will care. Right now she can't figure it out in her head. She is such a pleaser and when they get those snotty attitudes she thinks she has done something mean to them. I just keep preaching that same lesson....if they aren't being nice, move on to someone else. When she was upset yesterday, the boy who loves her said that all she needed to do was ask and he would have played with her...how sweet and scary is that? The sad part about this all is that these children have to come upon this behavior from somewhere. They have models that are doing the exact same thing. I know, I've met those women! Keara will be ahead later but in the meantime it is breaking my heart!

Downtown Halloween

Halloween is such a fun but hectic occasion. The kids have to be fed and changed into those impossible to get on outfits all while they are running the course of the house YELLING at the top of their lungs something about getting C A N D Y. And this is when, as a really bright mommy, I am thinking, yes just what these little beasts need-more fuel in those already overexcited little bodies. But, alas, I may be bright but I'm also a sucker for the holidays and this is no exception. (We do actually receive the payback for all of our obnoxious behavior as a child. We just have to wait for our own kids to eat a billion snickers and barf on us.) My Ms. Kitty Fairy, Power Ranger and Buzz Lightyear did awesome in getting ready. They were so excited. We go downtown every year because it is just the safest place to be. (Sadly, I can't ever see a time that my kids will have the same enjoyment we did at Halloween. I remember frolicking carelessly through the streets, in the streets and among the bushes for that matter, all in the cover of darkness and for the most part unsupervised. I don't see that happening in this house EVER.) This years festivities were just as great as always. The only difference was that ten times the people showed their scary masks last night. Anyone who has navigated through a crowd with 3 small children (one that stares aimlessly to the sky, one that is falling sideways from fatigue and one that is terrified by the sight of the Darth Vadar kid behind him) knows that a HUGE crowd is only going to disturb what could ordinarily be called difficult but manageable and turn it into that nightmare you have about total loss of control. The kids have only so much pushing power and this mommy gets easily claustrophobic. Daddy does his best impersonation of a wide-eyed seven year old boy in the candy store. (I'm sure he is drooling with anticipation over the heaps of sugar that he will eventually confiscate from the pumpkins the kids are filling) They did fine for the most part. There was the dancing though. (I try like hell to become part of the surroundings, unfortunately my kids think that it is their duty....obligation, to make sure that we are the center of everyone's universe. Why oh why can't they just be good little, blah fixtures that are just part of the scenery and not the main attraction? I was not meant to be ogled by MANY spectators, giving appropriate "ooohs and ahhhs" abound. I was supposed to be on the outside doing that. But I digress.) So, the kids decided to put on their extravagant show. Keara doing some kind of gypsy dance that can only be accomplished using a FULL street corner. Kai doing his best ninja moves. And Drig shaking booty. (OK Drig's booty shaking dance was quite cute.) After we had collected our fee for providing the locals entertainment, we made our way down and OUT of there. On the way out we were lucky enough (or perhaps it's that the kids really are THAT cute) to get pom-poms from some of the Auburn girls that were NOT technically handing them out but "hey what the heck these kids are so damn charming we will give them ours!" Keara and all her issues, decided to scream and carry on as though we were beating her when we finally reached the road to leave. UGH But alas, I maintained composure and we did exit gracefully, albeit LOUDLY, to our car. The kids had a great Halloween and mommy and daddy are gonna get FAT!