drawings

Christmas

I really do not have the Christmas spirit. Actually I don't have the commercialized Christmas spirit. I am so sick of hearing what everyone is buying and getting. I LOVE to give presents (don't get me wrong) I just don't love how it's become more and more and more. I think if you can get meaningful presents, then go for it but if you are just giving to give *things* then why bother. I know a big part of it is we are broke and it SUX. I am so sad about not doing a thing for the kids. My mom and dad are playing Santa this year because honestly we just can't buy anything. I have found some little things at the Thrift Store but not anything they asked for. Thank goodness my kids are more excited about going to see Nan and Poppi and don't really know the difference. All the same, it still makes me sad.
I am sick and that makes me even more grumpy. I waited until today (even though I got the prescription order a week ago Mon.) to get it because it was $20 and I don't know that we can get the food we need if I get the antibiotic. But I know that I am headed for pneumonia and I just can't do that again. I am coughing day and night and the darn thing just sux. They gave me Avelox because I just had a Z-Pak a month ago. It is some strong stuff. I can only take it at night.
I feel like a baby because so many are worse than us and I shouldn't complain but it is pretty hard. I have been drawing like crazy and I just pray that everyone will enjoy them. This is the first year in like 15 that I can't do Christmas cards and frankly that makes me cry. I LOVE sending them. I love designing them and I am really depressed that I can't do them. I am going to do an email one but it isn't the same! I also cannot do the pictures I normally do...but I swear I am going to earn the money some how and do those, it's a history of my kids' lives and I cannot stop that!

OK enough bitching...gotta go get a cough drop AGAIN!!!

Christmas drawings

Obviously not done with this but for Jay's grandparents...


For my mom...not done LOL

I did this one for Keara's therapist...


Did this for my grandma...
from this picture...

More to come....

Life

*must begin with a note that I am writing this for ME*

I haven't been writing and I have pretty good excuses for that. To begin this saga...

Keara- Let's see what can I say about my dear sweet girl. Well, she has been SICK. It has been awful for her. We started Mon. morning with diarrhea that was uncontrollable. Tues. she began to vomit (or should I say throwing up because I am not allowed to say vomit in front of Keara). She could not hold any water down. She continued to throw up all day Wed. as well. By Thurs. she was holding her water but also in a lot of pain in her lower abdomen. We took her to the Dr. because we feared an Appendix problem. They think it's gonna be OK but she has now spiked a 102 fever. Friday she is feeling better in the tummy area but her ear hurts and she still has no appetite and isn't drinking well. She returns to the Dr. and sure enough, has an ear infection. We spent about 2 hours trying to get some liquids in her because at this point she is looking REALLY bad. She finally takes some in and off to bed. Today we felt she was doing a bit better but she comes to me at noon or so and says, "mommy what are these bumps on my ankles?" She has hives. UGH Tonight she has eyes that are SO bloodshot it looks painful. My poor baby girl. She has remained on the couch since Monday am. This is so sad to watch because Keara does not rest unless she is going to bed at night! OK the really bad part of her being sick (besides how awful she feels), we were supposed to get her state evaluation on Thurs. We have waited since the beginning of the school year for this because it is through the school and FREE. UGH So now we have to reschedule. Keara has done pretty good at school lately. We still have the occasional problem or teacher that has yet to encounter Keara at her "finest" LOL. We have decided that Girl Scouts is not for her. She has not had any fun and that's just stupid to make her go. All and all she is doing GREAT and I just love her dearly.

Kai continues to thrive at school. He is really trying to read now. I love love love his teacher. She is the neatest lady. The kids all know me now and that makes the volunteering so much better. He can still drive me nuts with his attitude and lack of listening skills but all and all he is good. I love his humor and the fact that I can actually joke around with him. LOVE my boy.

Drig is doing well too. They are treating his coughing as asthma. UGH But since we started the inhaler and pill, he is not coughing. SO it must be working. It sux but then if it works who the hell cares. His Dr. is 2.5 hours away. THAT SUX! He has had a burst of words lately and that is so awesome. He has also discovered stalling and asking "Why". LOVELY. Oh the best news...the boy uses the POTTY now all the time, he even stays dry at night!! WHOOHOO! Love my driggy boy.

I have been saving the best for last...harhar. OK go back a little bit and imagine this with me. I am looking for shoes for my daughter to wear to school because her sandals were not going to cut it in winter. I pay for the ones I find (only 12.99 at Land's End total bargain). Later that day, I get this strange phone call. The guy at Land's calls to tell me that my card did not go through. OK??? I call Jay and say, "please place this order with a card that will work, and why isn't the other working?" He replies "We will talk about it when I get home." Again OK??? So later we have this conversation where I discover that we are fucked. To make a really long and sad story short...he calls to find out about debt management and we don't have enough money for it. So he tells me the only way out is bankruptcy. So we are now in bankruptcy. Scanning back over bills and shit that I have not seen until now because Jay had hidden everything from me and basically I had to ask for any money I needed, but looking it over Jay just stopped paying some bills and forgot others. So we had to fork over the lawyers fees and filing fees and pay our normal shit and the one that was missed and our insurance that happens to be due for the next six months and it is Christmas...I cry everyday, what the hell am I going to do about Santa? GAWD I love Jay but I really don't know if I can take anymore. Everyday some more BAD news get thrown at me and I just can't handle it. And this morning as I am tallying the money, I realize that food might not be an option. Kidding but really I guess I will go to the food bank and beg. Add to this that I don't have tampons or even toilet paper and I am starting to worry. I may have to get rid of the Internet and cable, hurts Jay and kids really but what can ya do?

So I thought it would help to write it but it hasn't. OH well. And I cut 9 inches off my hair last night....so long for now!

Go home Florida

WAR EAGLE !!!!

2nd, K and PreK

Idiots Rule

Since I am bored...and I like to use...

So, my husband convinced me to join his fantasy league through work. It started out with just an awesome draft, which led to now 4 weeks later, me with the best record. I have gotten into it. I am GOOD at this stuff. I have always loved NFL football anyway. Hell I love all football. Now this thing has grown, Jay doesn't care if anyone else beats him, he cares if I beat him. It is laughable really. I ask for his opinion and it's like playing poker with the best damn straight man around. He can BLUFF. He gave me BAD advice the first week and guess what? I lost. Since then, I ask but I have to translate his help and decipher the meaning. It is quite fun. Others in the league are not as happy that a girl has the best record and actually is trying to do it. I have the power to make GREAT trades because THEY.ARE.SCARED! MUHHHUAUUH. It is FUN!

Somber.Frickin.Day

SCRITCH...SCRATCH...FRICK...AND FRACK!!! DAMN AUBURN!


OK I feel a little better...NO NOT REALLY. And Tony, WTF is going on in my world? I am so damn depressed. Sports SUCK.

That's all for now.

OK So I have been busy...

I have been in utter chaos since the kids got out of school for the summer. It wasn't at all enjoyable. Keara has become intolerable most days and it is exhausting. So to get back into the real world, not just the humdum of Kearaland, I will blog again.

Keara is making progress in that we now can at least get her into the school without having to drag her in. She is still of the mindset that writing sux. Her teacher is still CLUELESS! We do have a plan in the works. I just hope I survive until it is resolved.

Kai is really doing awesome in school. He is making friends and learning. He is currently trying like the dickens to read. It is so cute watching his face light up with curiosity. I volunteer in his class at least once a week and his classmates all know me now, it's so nice.

Drig is still just plugging along. I swear the potty training is going to kill me. He will stand next to the damn toilet and pee in the floor. WTF? We have his IEP next week and might even try to switch him to a more aggressive school. He is still pretty much unintelligible (gotta spell check that one...really BAD). We have started breathing treatments with him, they think he has some wheezing issues. GAWD I hope it goes away quickly!

Jay is still Jay. What can I say? I love him dearly, just wish sometimes he wasn't such high needs.

Dad had back surgery and is doing well. My mom is going batty, staying home is not her strong suit LOL.

I am really getting FAT. And the thing I don't understand is that I am exercising more now and eating NOTHING. I can't even look in the mirror without feeling totally depressed. I don't really need to be thin per se just not rolling with lard. UGH

OH WELL....I will be back. (maybe even tonight, lol)

Friends

You know what I have decided....I don't have any friends. This is really my own doing because I am so consumed in my children but even when I try to put forth the effort, nothing! I should really know better than to try. I always think I can make friends with the people Jay works with because that is who I can meet. It never works. These people don't want to be friends with me and they get enough of Jay at work. I just can't seem to win. My kids are different and the moms all see that. They don't have to say anything to me, they just don't carry our relationships past the door of the school. My family lives far away and I can't drive to see them. I have become so isolated. I LOVE my kids but sometimes it would be nice to hang with adults. I guess I just have to succumb to the child in me and start enjoying the kid stuff. I was never for it even when I was a kid, so it's just hard. Such is life!

Sunscreen

We are the whitest folks around and sunscreen is a must. Keara has been asking to get the kind that you spray on without rubbing so we finally got some. It STINKS! Plus, Drig decided to try it out by himself this morning and sprayed it in his eye. UGH Trying to flush his eye was NOT fun. I called Jay and you know the hero he is, he rushed home. Then he proclaimed "it's not even red!" It was swollen and it turned a lovely blue tint, I think because of the blood rushing there. Of course this all happened before school, so Drig missed yet another day. Just so annoying.

This isn't really newsworthy, just sitting here bored!

Keara and Mama....

Keara wanted to help me so her answers will be in red and mine in black!!

I AM: 7 years old, a mom
I WANT: chocolate chips, a nap
I HATE: saying hate, hearing the word hate
I LOVE: chocolate ice cream in a waffle cone, my kids and Jay
I MISS: Nan-Nan, Poppi, Guinney and Papa, Killian, Aaron, Mimi, Papa,
I FEAR: Bees, being a bad mom
I HEAR: the boys playing and TV, no one fighting
I WONDER: if the Wonder Pets are real, how close Keara and Kai will be when they are older
I REGRET: screaming and yelling, anytime I have been upset with the kids
I AM NOT: good at writing, hungry
I DANCE: when my favorite songs are on like "Galaxy", whenever I hear a beat
I AM NOT ALWAYS: bossy, together
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Linny with playdoh, a lot of food
I WRITE: hardly any, to make me feel better
I CONFUSE: my mama's family, myself
I NEED: all the chocolate in the world without nuts, money
I SHOULD: get all the chocolate in the world, be doing some kind of chore
I START: the game, projects
I FINISH: my food so I can get chocolate, projects

Dad

the note I wrote to my dad...

Dad,

I have a special present that I will be sending along (with mom’s help). In the meantime, I thought I would just tell you how much you mean to me…

You have now been my dad for more than half of my life. You weren’t around in my early years but hey, that means you don’t have to shoulder the blame for my character. You can claim that my formative years were not of your doing and only claim the good stuff that comes later. Haha. You were a man that came into my mom’s world and gave her back a smile that had been missing for years. You also touched me. I didn’t understand what a REAL father could be until you entered my life. And although I believed for much of my teen years that I was wiser than you, I have been educated by my own children that you were indeed MUCH smarter than I ever gave you credit for. You taught with a quiet voice and a loud ethic. You inspired me by doing everyday. You showed me an unconditional love that only a TRUE parent could show a child.

There really is no THANK YOU big enough or powerful enough to express my gratitude for what you have given me. We don’t spend hours on the phone or even see each other very often but I know that you are one person that will be there for me no matter what crisis of the moment is happening. You probably don’t even realize that I utter your name almost daily. I will say such things as "My dad would do this….or my dad would know…or I wonder what my dad would say?" I talk to Jay about experiences that only you could have given me. And now with the kids, I can draw on all those lessons and teach them. I hope that I can do justice to that wisdom and carry on what I feel is a legacy of the highest moral character there is. I hope that someday my children will appreciate it as much as I do.

So for today and everyday to come, I will be saying a quiet thank you for all that you have given me. I hope that you can hear it. I LOVE you.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY DAD!

Love you,
Jenni

Martyrdom

I don't want to be a martyr but I don't have any other options. If I had family close by then maybe I could take a break every now and again. If my moron husband knew anything about money I might be able to at least hire a sitter once a week for a break. But I can't! I know I need a break because I am so TIRED and it is increasingly hard to keep up the patience I need for Keara and Drig. I don't want to die without having anything for me but right now what choice do I have? I mean someone has to be the one that takes the time to help these kids. Someone must be their voice and someone has to walk them through each tantrum, meltdown, fear and transition. I guess it's me!

Last night Jay and I had to go outside and talk about how he needs to get involved. We have an extensive routine that needs to happen at bedtime. When it's just me, the kids go off to sleep with very little fanfare. When Jay is involved it is a mess. I usually let Jay do the teeth and then we meet up in the bedroom for their magic bowls, water cups, songs, story and finally sleep. Then I have to hold Drig and sing his song until he is off to sleep. Well, last night just like many others, Jay set Keara off in the bathroom before doing our routine. When Keara goes off, next is Drig and then Kai wants his attention as well. So, I am left trying to calm all of them. I was feeling really awful last night because I had a migraine and all the screaming just hurt. But I had to do all the calming. Keara needed about 30 minutes of me rubbing her down, talking in a soothing voice and singing. Then Kai asked for a song and some rubbing (for attention really). Then I finally got them off to slumber and I had to sing and rock Drig for another 30 minutes. So dinner didn't come til 9 and I needed to get to bed early but early turned into 10:30. Of course today, I am again tired and I feel a twinge of a headache. I will be losing the vision again today and it will suck again tonight. See the pattern? It just sux. Plus to top it off I called Jay a robot which was pretty mean, and I feel bad about that. Oh well!

So I don't want to be a martyr but that's just how it is!

New Doos

Well, I decided today that Kai needed a mohawk...well really a kiddy version, didn't want to give my MIL a heart attack. Drig got a new style too, but with a sorta Cali look...going back to the roots. LOVE IT! And they both FIT their hair.

Outside fun

Keara looking particularly sweet....

Drig with the bug on his shirt... Kai with it on his shirt...

Toilet Seat Hat???

Kai walks into the living room with a potty training seat around his neck. I kindly asked him to go put it away and told him it was yucky. So, next Drig walks in and he has the damn thing around his neck. I tell him the same thing and HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! The seat is stuck around his neck as his head is too big to get it off. I tried to pry but he started to cry. I called Jay and asked his genius opinion on the matter. He says try the olive oil. I did and my boy just started sobbing hysterically. So I called Jay back and said "ummm now what??" He decided to come home and take care of it himself by cutting it off. But before leaving work he made sure to further ruin my reputation by telling EVERYONE that his boy got a toilet seat stuck around his neck. I am a BAD mommy! (I am proud to say that this time I refrained from the normal picture taking though!!) BOYS!!!!

And then there were 2

Man I am just so sad. I need to shake this and yet it is just so damn sad. I thought I was okay with having a special needs child. I am okay with it but not okay. That makes a ton of sense doesn't it? I have dealt with my feelings over Drig having special needs. I know he is getting the best I can give to him because we know what we are dealing with. This is the key. And yet it was also so damn hard to hear that he is special needs. I remember reeling from the words because you know you don't expect this from life. I remember once I got past the words and just started doing the program, it was easier. Well it looks like I am there again with Keara. She has been seeing a therapist for her bee fear and we have been trying to get evals for everything else. I have KNOWN for a number of years but not known that she has something going on. At first I tried everything I could think of to be creative. Then I had a lot and I mean a lot of people tell me that she was spoiled, coddled, and too protected and that was why she was the way she is. I am where I am now because of Drig. I have had to see things that I wasn't even aware that I was hesitant to see before. I have had to deal with a whole new set of parents, teachers, rules, and terminology that I hadn't come across before. Keara as it stands right now, upon the initial workup, most definitely has an Autism Spectrum Disorder. You know what, it breaks my heart wide open. She is the most compassionate little human that I have ever met. She CARES for the world. But she doesn't have friends and her world is just such a tough place to live for her. It has been so sad to see the fear and helplessness. And damn I feel so guilty for all of the times that I have punished her for acts that now looking back were not her doing. I know I didn't know but I did have a hunch and I just let other people tell me that I was not doing her any favors by taking it easy on her, so I started to come down on her. I tried to have her have some accountability but for some of that stuff that she has been doing since she was born practically, I wish I could have seen that it wasn't working to send her to time-out or yelling (yes I can yell with the best of em...hopefully not too often but damn if it isn't hard when I have them all pitching a fit at the same time). Anyway, I just feel bad now and wonder if I have permanently left damage there????

That's about all I can do right now, crying and carrying on will not help my children...but I promise I will be back again...hopefully with a better outlook!

HUH?

Keara said to me last night, "Mamma, you are not the imaginary play sort are you?" It dawned on me that I am NOT. It also occurred to me that this is an area where I need to work on my parenting. I try to do crafts with the kids and we do all kinds of other games, but imaginary, make-believe stuff I just don't do. I am so not the type to play the voices with Barbie or pretend to be a dinosaur. Well I guess I need one more thing on my to-do-list!

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is my mommy's birthday. She is 56. She is having the BEST day ever this year since she and my dad are in Italy for a freaking MONTH. Today she got to witness my dad's lifelong dream come true...they went to the Grand Prix in Monaco. How cool is that? And, they are staying in a PRIME hotel, had FIRST CLASS seats at the race and MAN they are in freaking Monaco. They are going to visit my grandfather's birthplace, Milan, Florence, Sienna, Driving tour of Tuscany and Umbria areas to include the Chianti Trail, Cortona and Assisi, Day trip to Florence, and Tour to Pompeii and Vesuvious. They are going to have the best time. I am so jealous about the Chianti section of this trip! That sounds so heavenly. I cannot wait for all the wonderful stories and pictures! Happy Birthday Mom!

Tagged

Tagged by Silly

Name 5 things in your refrigerator
1. Wine
2. Three kinds of butter
3. Garlic paste
4. Beer....too many to count
5. Milk

Name 5 things in your closet
1. Jay's shirts
2. Jay's pants
3. Killian's Box
4. Socks
5. humidor

Name 5 things in your purse
1. Wallet
2. Bottle opener
3. Lotion
4. Lip balm
5. Pen

And alas I have noone to tag :(

Heartache

Drig comes running in the room crying. Of course I ask Kai "What did you do?" Kai says, "nothing mama!" Really I just used my words!" I ask Drig where he is hurt and he says "He hut ny hard nady" (he hurt my heart mommy) How SWEET is that?? Keara came over and said "that means his feelings were hurt momma!" REALLY?? Coming out of a 3 yr old, it melts the ticker.

Today is Friday

"Today is Friday Mom, we are not supposed to do reading on Friday! How can they tell me to read when I'm supposed to go to the library on Thursday? And I can't read everyday during the summer. I am supposed to have art today Mom. Why are reading today?"

This is how our day began. Keara could not get past this. Drig could not get past the door because "Today is Friday. Me not no school today." (of course this is what I deciphered)

So, today is Friday, I am told!

Kids

So my day started with Keara and Drig crying, which led to me crying. Keara was so worried about going to field day and then disappointing her therapist by not wanting to do it. I ended up picking her up early to avoid the field day. Drig was upset because he thought today was a school day (he finished last week) and when Jay left without him, he started sobbing. UGH Then it just hit me. I now have to just hold my breath and get them the help they need. I was telling Keara that we are trying to get her some help for her different thinking and she said "but definitely not a disability mom." Tears me up...yeah it is kinda just that and I have to be so careful to use the correct terminology. I just pray that I can get all this *help* together and in place for next school year. Kids can be MEAN. Keara is such a sweet girl. She certainly does not deserve some of the treatment she has gotten this year. I will be hopeful. I have Drig's IEP end year meeting on Mon. hopefully I can get some issues resolved then too. I never imagined that I would have two learning disabled children! I am in that *stuck on the idea* mode right now and I know when that passes I will progress better. I just have to get over the labels and get the help. We will do it!

Mother's Day

Kai's card...

Keara's card from school...

Keara's card from home...

Drig's card...

A great Mother's Day!

Jay also made a beautiful video for me and got me an Aspergers book! I slept until 9...woohoo!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

Click here to watch 'Mom-18'

Random

PPFFFTTT

So I had the postcard of a BAD parenting moment last night. Kai was goofing off as usual, and ran smack into the chair (soft recliner) but hit it with his chest. He comes running, gasping for air and had this look. I just couldn't help myself and started laughing. I was doubled over with pain, tears streaming down my face laughing. It was just so darn hysterical. I know that I shouldn't be laughing when my child is looking at me for help but OMG I just HAD to laugh. All the while Jay is scowling at me and Kai finally gets his breathe to say "Mommy IT IS NOT FUNNY!" But damn kid it was!!

My Boring Life...

HAHAHAHA

1. WTF is wrong with my boys? Why is it necessary to pour out the Cheerios and then mash them in the floor? Is this a new idea...NO but damn I thought this ended with the terrible twos. They'll teach me a thing or three!

2. Why are Keara's glasses always tilted half cockeyed across her beautiful face? Why must she push on the lenses with her sticky fingers ALL day long? Why did she have to get her daddy's awful eyes (color aside) anyway?

3. Why is it when I read instructions for anything, about 1/4 through I start seeing solid lines and no words? Why can't there be an idiot manual for the likes of me?

4. Why do I find aging to be a hysterical situation and Jay finds it loathsome? Why do children (or anyone for that matter) pull chairs out from under people? Why did I fail to reach for the chair when I do that 99% of the time? Why was the floor in which I splattered on basically concrete? WHY, do tell!

5. What makes your bruise go from the biggest, baddest (yes I KNOW that is not correct) shade of blue to that GAWD awful yellow/brown?

6. Why can't my brain help me think of more questions?????

Be back later maybe the ole brain will wake up.

It is HARD

You know I adore my kids, but it is so HARD! I keep thinking that one day it will be easier...my mom said so! But dammit it isn't getting any easier and in fact, it has been getting harder with each passing day. Keara has so many issues. Padraig has so many issues. Kai doesn't but anyone with a 4 year old boy will tell you that they are one of a kind without issues. Keara is seeing a counselor and Drig has his school but it isn't cutting the surface. ARGH You know I realize that I am not perfect and I know that there are parenting styles that may be better but I am doing the best I can. I think it has been a creative journey so far. I just wonder if I can keep up this pace of ingenious ideas for the next 15 years. GAWD I don't know. By the time they are out of the house, I fear I will be nothing! I devote so much of my time, mind, and heart to these *special* needs that there isn't really me in there anymore. I KNOW that is unhealthy but who else will do it for these kids. No one else has volunteered to guide them through their fears and routines. Jay does try. So it is me. I refuse to give up. They NEED me to advocate for them and I will. It is just so hard!

Melts My Heart

So apparently I have been doing something RIGHT! YEAH!!!! Keara got a certificate from the school on Thurs. saying that she had earned the most money in the 1st grade for their Read-A-Thon. She was then given a list of prize choices. We talked about it and I offered up a trip to the ice cream parlor as another idea. She chose to get the ice cream and donate the other $30 prize back to the school. She said "Hey that way I get a prize and the school gets one too!" How freaking awesome is that? Jay said he was a little bummed because we could have gotten a PS2 game or a dinner out, "I would have taken the damn prize!" What a terd!

My Big Boy

Nice day!

Went riding at the course....BEAUTIFUL

KILLIAN JOSEPH 4-26-97

Dear Killian

My tiniest angel, you would be 9 today. I cannot believe how the time flies. I can still feel your soft, beautiful skin. Your tiny fingers wrapped around mine. I feel your long toes kicking my stomach and that special roll that only you could do. Remember the game we would play? You kept mama entertained for hours. And you would gently nudge your daddy when he was hogging your space with mama. It was so fun. We are so blessed BECAUSE of you. Keara, Kai and Padraig are wonders. YOU did that. You gave me so much clarity with your passing. THANK YOU! My heart aches when I imagine your last hours but I promise I don't dwell on it anymore. I wake in the morning hours and your song is heard. I can still see that cloud you sent me, it is glorious.

I wonder what you would be like now. I can only imagine that you would be a compassionate, loving, and gentle young boy. You would be enjoying soccer and baseball, perhaps playing golf with your daddy. You would be a GREAT big brother. I can imagine your silky hair would be going in a hundred different directions and you wouldn't care at all. Your smile would light everyone's life. We sure miss you.

I know it has been 9 years but there will never, ever be a day to go by that I don't ache at my core for you. I MISS YOU! But mama can't stay down, I made you a promise a long time ago and I will hold up. I will see the positives and remember you in a good way. I LOVE YOU!

Love Mama

Thinking back

There were *special* people in my life along the way and for some reason I have either lost touch or they have.

CC- You were the one that really could just take me for who I am. You had patience and a kindness in you that I deeply miss. I want THAT kind of friendship back. I think I probably hurt you in the most profound way and I am so sorry, I was stupid and young.

PK- Wow we were a pair and I miss that too. You were the wise one, the one that could "put me in my place". Maybe that's why we stopped talking, I couldn't hack the truth back then. I wish I knew you now.

SG- When I heard that you died...I cried for days. Man you were my mom for so long and helped in ways that I can't even describe. SO SAD.

BB- Well you will always be my soul mate. I just know that when we do communicate, although it is not often enough, that you *get* inside my brain and understand everything. You were right about us. We would have ended bad again. I loved every minute while it lasted though.

GM- I really miss you. We had so much fun and I got you like you got me. Maybe we can still go back. The others interfered and they are idiots, which I am sure you would say "told ya so". LOL I hope we will find our way back.

SE- I guess time and motherhood has just taken it's toll on us. I know that you are still there as I am for you. We'll get it back together one day. I am so proud to know you!

TB- UGH this is such a complicated one. On one hand, I still feel like I know you but then I think I never really knew the real you anyway. I know one element and I know there has to be more but I am so reluctant to dig. I do enjoy your playful teasing. Maybe I will try harder one day but right now this is it.

SM- OMG you are so missed. I don't even have a clue where you are. I still love to iron.

AM- Ok so I saved ya for last. I don't even know what I feel about you. You saved me and will always be my protector. It's an odd thing and you know why. I still adore your candid talk with me. I miss your arms. (In a really innocent way) You *KNOW* me at a level that I can't explain or hint at with anyone else. Was it totally tragic...us? I don't know. I am where I am and I chose it, you didn't but I think that may be easier to deal with....doesn't make sense. You will always be there!

WOW, that felt good.

Sad

Some friends lost their baby. They weren't very far along but the pain is still devastating. So the kids decided to make a care package...cookies, cards and their picture sign. As difficult as they may be at times, they are truly compassionate little beings...for that I am very proud.

We were going to deliver the items but me being me, I lost my vision before we could. I am really sick of this. I have been taking ibuprofen as a profalactive about an hour before driving. It has been working pretty well. Yesterday I didn't need the morning dose because Drig didn't have school. I waited until it was time for Keara's pickup and apparently it was too late because I lost it about the same time I was to dose. Today again, no need for the morning dose so I waited, same reaction. Makes me frustrated. I don't know how much of the ibuprofen is too much but it looks like I HAVE to take it all the time to keep my vision. UGH And today, MY HEAD HURTS. Most of the time I don't get the pain that bad, maybe a dull ache but today it is THROBBING! So I'll wait on Jay to get home and go to bed. I really wish my body didn't act like this.

At least we did something nice for someone....hope it is well received!

My life is a joke and I'm so not laughing...

Since I don't ever manage to get here daily I will just start by saying it's not because I am so busy out of my house or away.

Keara- Well we have finally reached the point where she needs to get professional help. I am so so sad for my little girl. She is terrified of bees. We have tried everything. She has been seeing the counselor at school and we finally decided she needs more. She has fear issues. UGH So we are now trying to find her a good counselor that she will click with. She has gotten to the point where she doesn't want to go outdoors. She doesn't even want to go on her class fieldtrip because they will be outdoors. :( Isn't that the saddest thing ever? GAWD it just really tears me up. She has been researching bees as well as storms and right now I actually think she knows more than I about these topics. Her school counselor was literally shocked at her knowledge. I can't say that I am because Keara is brilliant. (I mean how many first graders are reading the sixth grade level books, doing fractions, multiplication and writing books) Or maybe I am just soooo proud :) Her other ailment right now is her back. We have discovered that her back is really crooked. Her spine can literally make an S shape. Plus her right hip and shoulder sit about 3 inches higher than her left. I'm thinking it could really explain her coordination problems and lack of physical prowess. LOL No really we have set up an appointment for that too. Just money ya know. HA

Kai- Well he has not let us down in the boredom department. The other day, I was talking on the phone with Keara's counselor, Kai was playing in the sink. I'm thinking at least he is *contained*. HAHAHAHA The joke was on me. You see, the next move I made was to start the dishwasher and then leave the room for more cleaning elsewhere. Kai had put dishwashing soap ie. Palmolive in the dishwasher. When I returned to the kitchen the entire floor was well bubbles! Kai thought it was a riot, me not so much. FUNNY stuff in this house. Kai is a really sweet kid. Last night he told me that he was the reason Nan-Nan and Poppi's dog died. He said he fed her some of his food and he knows it was wrong. He did it while my mom wasn't looking and he thinks that is why the dog is dead. How freaking sad is that? Damn, another kid in counseling I guess?? So we explained the best we could and we will continue to reinforce that he did not kill the dog. UGH

Drig- He is doing pretty good. He pooped in the potty for the first time last week. He was so proud. He still isn't consistent but he is making great strides. He is learning to not scream everytime something doesn't go his way...not an easy task for a child that cannot communicate. He is a sweet boy.

Jay- hmmmmm, not much going on there. Discovered that he has doubled our debt since he took over....oh well it's just money right? So we are gonna have to get a loan and start fresh. Of course the only way to get said loan is from his parents collateral. LOVELY.

Me- Well the good news is I have started to take care of me some. The bad news is I got the bill for what my teeth will require....$9600. YEP I don't know if that can happen. I plan on having my *pressure wash* as my mom refers to it sometime very soon. And I am in search of a good Internist. I have been tracking fevers, rashes and other symptoms...hopefully this round we can get some answers besides take this medicine and we'll see if it works (I won't go that route again...I can't survive the depression) So we will see. I know there is more but I have used too many brain cells on this, must save some and not be outwitted by the boys!

My LOVES

Happy Birthday to Me

Well I made it to the age of 34. The funny thing is I am soooo soooo happy about it. You see since I was at least 8 I always had this guttural feeling that somehow I would not be around after 33. Weird, I know but I never claimed to be normal. (Well maybe that one time but shhh don't tell) You know in years past I just really have disliked my birthday. Probably due to the fact that in my mom's tradition, birthdays are supposed to be HUGE. She tries to make you feel super special and like a princess. As a kid this was great but as I grew older, I found that I wanted that and then was disappointed when everyone else was too busy to deliver. So I just started kinda ignoring the day...less disappointment that way. Well this year I was kinda doing the anticipation thing again. And it was a mistake. I got a phone call from 2 of my 4 siblings and my mom/dad. Plus my ex (yes I still talk to him) called me from his workplace. My dear husband couldn't be bothered all day to call me so I did rub the fact that my ex called (long distance) from work. Keara was the sweetest. She has been drawing all sorts of pictures at school and she gave me an envelop full. She even made confetti. I LOVE pure kid gifts, made on their own and with all that sweet love. I did get the book I wanted...woohoo. That was it. Well from my household...my mommy and daddy gave me two shirts, a pasta canister (very pretty) and the most beautiful framed poem by Mother Theresa (really who I admire...as did Mimi) and I know they are getting me a printer as well. Last year Jay's parents completely missed my day all together, this year they wished me happy a day late but at least they said something. Anyway, I was in a shitty mood all day and I just could not get awake. SO Happy Birthday to ME!

Her Mother

I so cannot stand the snotty little brat in K's class. UGH I *know* that she is this way because of her mother but double UGH. Today is a new low. We have already been through the bullying the class into making her the class president over K. That one wasn't really a big issue for me though because I was against the whole 1st grade president shit anyway. So NEINERNEINER. But today she told K not to collect money for the March of Dimes because they killed babies. WTF? So says her MOTHER (er Mother Fucker) I am sooooo sorry but hey lady GET YOUR GODDAMN FACTS STRAIGHT AND DON'T ALLOW YOUR DAUGHTER TO FILL MINE WITH BULLSHIT! It is so irritating that my daughter comes home to declare "Momma, why are we helping people kill babies?" And if that wasn't enough, I have a personal connection with the March of Dimes. My grandmother had polio and was a proud volunteer with them. BECAUSE YOU KNOW STUPID BITCH IF IT WASN'T FOR THIS WONDERFUL ORGANIZATION, MANY AND I MEAN MILLIONS OF OUR CHILDREN WOULD HAVE DIED OR BEEN HANDICAPPED IN SOME FORM FROM POLIO. AND THAT IS JUST HOW THE ORGANIZATION STARTED DOING GOOD....THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TODAY BECAUSE OF THEM!

Ok I feel better but I am still gonna rage a freaking HUGE fit over K spending any alone time with this nutty snot! Mothers!

Must be a freaking Record

I am blogging three VERY different blog entries in one night. HUH! Well I couldn't let this damn pain in the ass tooth not get the recognition it deserves. You may ask why a tooth would need it's very own story but you see this tooth has been wearing me down for 2 fucking weeks. What began as a simple toothache, quickly turned into an abcess, that was removed and now a damn fucking dry socket. Can I just tell you how aggravating this thing is. I cannot take the meds during the day because I have three monster children that decide to cut each other's hair if I only dare to pee by myself. I have to take the less useful motrin. At night I take the *good* stuff but then I cuss my husband saying "I think you are giving me tic-tacs instead of the pain meds." My poor Jay has been getting up EVERY night at 2 to give me my meds and I cuss him out, poor guy. So I called the dentist back today and said "please help me!" He agreed to see me and even for the kids to come along because Jay was working. (fortunately Jay was able to get some time off mid day because of inventory tonight) So they can't really figure if it is dry socket or the freaking tooth next to it (if I haven't mentioned I have awful teeth and really couldn't afford all the work they need so I have put it off...see what shit that gets ya?) Anyway, he packed the tooth with this gawd awful clove tasting shit and it numbed my right side completely. So I get to taste this crap, be super careful not to let it come out because it is the only saving grace right now and pray that it will heal quickly. The dentist really was a dumbass...he had the nerve to say well the other one will probably need a root canal, if that's what you want to do? DUH I don't really have a choice dumbass, I AM IN PAIN! So now I just have to find out if he will do more than one tooth at a time because I am NOT dragging this process out for months, they will have to do it 3-4 at a time or I won't go to him!@! SO there.

Must be my turn to cry

You know those damn days where everything and I mean EVERYTHING makes you weepy? UGH I really hate them. Today I am just really sad. I know that this is my time of year to be sad...and every year it comes I *think* it will be better this time. But you know what, IT WILL NEVER BE OKAY THAT MY SON DIED. I can't make that better. So like every other year, I will just have to be sad. I think I get more sad lately because I can't just go sit at his grave. (I know *he isn't there* but it does feel good to go there...can't explain it really) Killian was the most beautiful baby, I remember how perfect he was. I just don't know why he had to die and why I had to go through that. I have been told over and over that I was blessed with three wonderful children...don't lose sight of that, don't dwell on the past...and I don't think I do. But Killian DID matter and will NEVER be forgotten. I'm not going to pretend that he doesn't matter, he ALWAYS will. So I will cry this month more than usual and I will go on. I love you Killian Joseph!

My Yellow Butterfly

To my beautiful yellow butterfly,

I have missed you for a very long time. I think of you almost everyday (and by not saying everyday, I am in no way feeling less of a loss but I do have three children that keep me pretty occupied). I have needed you a lot lately and it is very evident that you *get* that. Thank you for visiting at the hospital, on a day that only YOU could understand my apprehensions and worries. Thank you for the visit in the back yard when I really just needed the extra strength to continue the day. Thank you for today, I know I needed it but to give my daughter the gift too, that is amazing. I know I will continue having our special meetings and they will all be important to my heart. Today, I just need to thank you!

Floppy Squish

I went today and had my first mammo. I was warned repeatedly to take something because it would be uncomfortable. It so WAS NOT! I didn't have ANY pain at all. It wasn't even slightly uncomfortable. I guess there is something good about having torpedo floppies. I just had to plop them puppies up there and voila. Jay joked about not stepping on them, but come on they are not THAT big. LOL The nasty discharge tested negative, so far so good. Probably just some hormonal thing that I have to endure. Yippy for me. One down, one to go. Tomorrow, the tooth extraction....YUCK! Now that I am a bit concerned about. I'm trying not to think too hard though. Wish me luck. Get the results from the mammo on the 4th...hope they are good too.

Can you say Warped?

Jay was making a homemade pizza dough crust, kneading it and letting the kids watch.

Jay: "This smells like beer."
Kai: "Yeah, it does smell like beer."
Me: "Kai you don't even know what beer is buddy."
Keara: "I do. It's the stuff that Santa gets on Christmas!"

Jay and I just about died...how warped are our kids?

Weird Kids

GAWD...I know I have said it before but Jay and I were not genetically matched to procreate. Together we have created these little weirdos er unusual children. I do sometimes wonder however, if I am NOT the problem. Jay has such strange issues...it HAS to be his fault. The latest in the freaky behaviors are of course coming from Drig and Keara, who else? Keara has decided that she has too much hair in her head...her solution, pull it out. WHAT? And she doesn't just pull one hair, it's like 15 at a time. UGH Drig has a hair issue too. He doesn't want his eyelashes. AGAIN WHAT? He is constantly asking for us to cut them off. I am so done analyzing this shit...they are just WEIRD!

Who knew??

I did not know there was a antibiotic that can actually make you feel tipsy. I switched meds and this one is a doozy. Not to mention the new pain med that is supposedly ok for daytime mommy use. NOT! We will be just fine as long as I don't have to do any driving or thinking to hard. Hell as long as it is ok that I can only have one eye on them boys, we will be fine (the other one just doesn't want to stay focused) I am SOOOOO screwed today, but damn after a week of this pain I need some daytime relief. Hell I wasn't taking any mind altering shit yesterday and Kai still managed to lure hundreds of ants into the bathroom. He actually placed (methodically, I might add) pieces of pancake with sugar...supposed to be HIS breakfast...in the corner of the shower for his friends, the ants. And they came! He was so freaking excited. But being the evil mommy I am, I dashed those dreams with a nice big squirt of the bug killer. The boys both melted down and expressed their disdain for me thoroughly! So today can't be that bad, can it?? I'll get back to you and let ya know!

We survived the Flu...now onto better ailments

Ok we did survive, albeit barely. Keara was a mess and literally 12hrs away from being admitted. She was lucky to do a quick turnaround. She lost so much weight but that too is back on track. Drig was my other mess. His temps just kept up for 10.5 days. It was awful. Kai was pitiful but at least under control. Jay and I both suffered but only to the extent that parents CAN suffer when their children are sick. So all was well in our house until.....

Saturday at 1am...I wake up with the most horrible pain. I am thinking I might just die. Nothing and I mean nothing from my vast selection of meds even touched this pain. I was in the bowels of hell I tell you. I have a tooth infection. So we call around Sunday to try and get some relief and wouldn't you know that ALL 6 dentists we call either don't take emergencies from nonpatients or wouldn't return our calls. Plus the walk-in clinic would not touch me either. So, I had to suffer and I mean SUFFER ALL day Sunday. Monday morn I went in and found out it was infected and would just get the damn thing extracted, but not before I have to go through a round of the second class antibiotics (ie. I don't get relief as fast) because I am allergic to their first choice. LOVELY. Now they told me that by 48hrs I would be out of pain...so her I sit on day 4 of the antibiotic and I am writhing in pain. I called the dentist back and now I am patiently waiting for another antibiotic to kick in. Plus I can't take the wonderful pain meds because you see I have three kids and apparently the two don't mix. I take them at night and tell Jay all kinds of weird shit. Last night I asked for pancakes as long as they weren't the kind with trees. LOL So he also prescribed a better pain med for daytime use. AWWW this sux. On Tuesday I will be getting the sucker pulled thank goodness.

Add to all the excitement...I also get to have a mammo on Monday. They wanted to do it Friday but Jay just couldn't pull it off at work. I think the tooth was actually a distraction from all the worry with my floppies. I really haven't had time to sit and think about it, my brain just gets muddled with this awful pain and I forget I am anxious.

And now I must attend to the beasts again...I swear I could just curl up in a nice warm bed and stay there for weeks...I am SOOOO tired and in SOOOO much pain! UGH

Flu - Part Deux

Well I was correct in assuming that Keara would be hit. She woke up in the middle of the night with 103+ (she wouldn't let me keep going). We struggled getting her to the bathroom and she got sick in the sink. Then we dosed her and I got the lovely job of rubbing her sore arm until she was half dozed. Finally I just invited her back to my bed because I am not the nicest person after sleeping on the floor. At 4:30 poor Jay had to drag his butt out of bed and get ready for work. He is with a fever and pretty wicked cough. Drig coughed almost ALL night so I dosed him this morning with the night time cough stuff. He's asleep now. Kai is still with fever and a nice cough as well. Oh I almost forgot about the lovely trail of diarrhea that Drig left me this morning. You see the boy is not potty trained yet ever so often he decides that using the toilet is OK. So, this morning he had one of those inclinations and stripped his diaper. He doesn't however, poop in the potty, instead he pooped his way TO THE POTTY, leaving a wide swath of destruction in his path. Just what a already near puking mommy needs to clean up at 8am. UGH I am just barely here, again, trying to keep busy so my eyelids will not close.


*One great sidenote....GO TAR HEELS! Beat the Devils in a FANTASTIC showing of freshmen POWER!! YEAH! :)

UGH....FLU

OHMYGAWD! We have gotten the flu. Drig started on Wed. with 104+ temps. By Thursday we decided to get him checked and of course they can't do a darn thing for him. Friday, we are starting to get concerned for poor Driggy. He has started to vomit (all over his mama) and cannot keep his meds in. We call the Dr. and they don't return our call, so meantime I am just frantic with him reaching 104.5, just waiting for him to seize (he has been known to do this to us). We finally got a hold of my nurse sister and she advises some suppositories. Thank goodness this worked out. Drig is now with only 101 or less. He has also kept some juice down. Thank goodness because Kai woke this morning (he started yesterday too) with 105 temp. So now we are on every three hours with him. He isn't coming down like I would like (after 1.5 hours he is only at 102.9). We are in the Tylenol cycle and it doesn't look to good. He may end up going to the hospital today if we can't get the temps down. UGH Keara is only at 101 so far, but it is only the first day so I'm not holding out much hope there. Jay went to work with cough drops and taking Dayquil. He has a clinic today, outside in the cold (poor guy). I'm sure he will perk up tonight though as Carolina plays tonight ;) I am just starting to feel bad. I have the worse case of the dizzies (I have already instructed Keara on what to do in case I pass out..that's how bad it is). And this is all after we got the flu shot (guess there is a different one around here). I am just trying to keep busy, washing sheets and taking temps. LOL I hope this will pass by me quickly!

The thing about blogging....if I don't really do anything of note, I just feel I shouldn't go through the mundane task of documenting nothing. Of course it isn't really nothing, it's more like boring. Day in and day out the kids continue to do what they do and I continue to wonder how I could have genetically produced such a mess. Kidding sorta. Keara wakes every morning with a LOUD OBNOXIOUS SCREAM that pierces my eardrums before I have even had my essential coffee. This continues because "Please, please just let me sleep, YOU NEVER LET ME SLEEP!" I quietly explain that tonight we will again push up bedtime to 6:30 (and who the fuck goes to bed at that ghastly hour, but such is the life in my house). She will then proceed to engage her father in a verbal war that will go on until the moment they leave the house. I will hear what an awful mommy I am, how I am causing her to be malnourished and that she will have behavioral problems at school because of the reasons mentioned above. Then we are onto child #2 that needs to leave for school. This little one will wake up smiling but it goes down the tubes from there. We will have picked out the wrong outfit because he thinks so...no rhyme or reason for his disapproval. The socks will be turned inside out but they will still cause such discomfort that this cute little guy will burst into tears, SCREAM in terror and rip the mother fucking things right off his feet. We will then play a little game that has become a ritual of sorts...where does this shoe go? Does it go on your ear? NO. Does it go on your knee? No. All the while he is coming back to normal land and laughing at our silliness. We will then quick launch his feet into shoes and socks and bribe the little terror with a cookie for the way to school. That is the last of my headache as I do not have the wonderful duty of toting his little butt to school. I have heard various rumors that he watches dvds on the way and that his feet never really hit the ground until he is in the classroom, but these are just rumors. I dunno! Then I am left with the biggest whiner on the planet. Which is ok really because it takes at least 45 minutes for the true talent to surface...thus I have time to at least get the coffee going. So, that took up the first 1.5 hours of my day (everyday) and it is only 7:30. So I could write about this stuff everyday (maybe I can cut and paste) or I can just delete it in the hopes that surely nobody can have mornings this awful EVERY FUCKING DAY! (Gawd, I never really think that swearing in this is a GOOD idea but truth be known....I FUCKING swear A LOT) .....

And the rest of the day will have to wait because now I have the oh so fun job of reining the little angels in for bed....

Oh yeah, I'm still alive

This week has been one that I do not wish to revisit. I have ultimately decided that I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself and just change things. I don't have anything for me and that is the first order of business. I need to find someone or better yet more than one girlfriend that I can hang out with from time to time and just get away. I don't really know how I can do this as of yet but at least I am looking in that direction. It is a sad sad commentary on my life that going to a girlscout event where there are 250 screaming, yapping wild girls makes me feel rejuvenated. See I told ya, it's pretty bleak being me. I started writing again and hope that will help get my creative juices flowing as well. Of course as of yet, I haven't been totally enamored with my creation but it will come. And I write this blog thing in the hopes that maybe ONE person may read....are ya out there, my lone admirer?? It's strange how I read other blogs and feel like I *know* someone (of course I do know some) but in general it's a strange concept, isn't it? I wish I could say I write for myself and who the hell cares if anyone else reads about me, but being just the slightest bit narcissistic, I suppose I do write for others as well. At least I'm honest, HAHAHA!

Special Night Tonight

Keara and her daddy have a date tonight. They are going to Daddy/Daughter Date Night. They will be going to a ballroom at a hotel nearby at 7pm. There will be refreshments, dancing, prizes and so much more. Jay has ordered her a corsage and she got him a boutonniere. They will be dressed in their "wedding clothes" and have a blast. Keara is BEYOND excited to be going on this special "date" with her favorite guy, daddy. I will update tomorrow.

ME

I don't have anything to say. I just don't have a life. Well that's not entirely true, Keara has been giving us trouble again. She is having trouble sleeping in her room and that has been so FUN. Kai is just Kai. Drig is increasingly getting harder and harder. He is so sad to watch some times. When I see other kids just chatting away...it BREAKS my heart. Then there is the issue of his behavior. UGH he can't transition and it drives me nuts. I know I am supposed to be patient and understand but I just want to say "GET OVER IT". Then in turn I feel horrible for feeling that way. Lovely thought process isn't it? And of course the ever changing feelings about my marriage. I don't trust Jay anymore and because of that, I can't enjoy myself with him. Doesn't make much sense. I just always *know* there is something going on behind my back. Of course maybe there isn't but I have given the benefit of doubt for YEARS. I really thought it might be over and then he does something else. Plus, I don't need that much to go off now. You know, my resistance is down. SO....that is my world and the people that surround me daily. Oh and my head is numb. It started like this before and I guess I need to get back to the cardiologist because last time I was passing out everyday when it got bad. I haven't yet but been close. I just can't go back on those meds. I was soooooo depressed. I cannot get that way again. I mean right now my life is not the greatest but I know it will get better yk? If I went back on the meds, I just think I wouldn't cope well. You know it is so boring being me...

Girls Rock

I love having a girl. And even more than that I love that she is a girly girl. Keara got a make a purse kit for Christmas and we had such fun with it. She is going on a date for Valentine's Day with her daddy. They are going to a hotel ball room for dinner, dancing, and fun. So, we made the purse to go with her beautiful red velvet and taffeta dress she got from her Nan. It turned out fabulous. She is going to be the "belle of the ball".