Martyrdom

I don't want to be a martyr but I don't have any other options. If I had family close by then maybe I could take a break every now and again. If my moron husband knew anything about money I might be able to at least hire a sitter once a week for a break. But I can't! I know I need a break because I am so TIRED and it is increasingly hard to keep up the patience I need for Keara and Drig. I don't want to die without having anything for me but right now what choice do I have? I mean someone has to be the one that takes the time to help these kids. Someone must be their voice and someone has to walk them through each tantrum, meltdown, fear and transition. I guess it's me!

Last night Jay and I had to go outside and talk about how he needs to get involved. We have an extensive routine that needs to happen at bedtime. When it's just me, the kids go off to sleep with very little fanfare. When Jay is involved it is a mess. I usually let Jay do the teeth and then we meet up in the bedroom for their magic bowls, water cups, songs, story and finally sleep. Then I have to hold Drig and sing his song until he is off to sleep. Well, last night just like many others, Jay set Keara off in the bathroom before doing our routine. When Keara goes off, next is Drig and then Kai wants his attention as well. So, I am left trying to calm all of them. I was feeling really awful last night because I had a migraine and all the screaming just hurt. But I had to do all the calming. Keara needed about 30 minutes of me rubbing her down, talking in a soothing voice and singing. Then Kai asked for a song and some rubbing (for attention really). Then I finally got them off to slumber and I had to sing and rock Drig for another 30 minutes. So dinner didn't come til 9 and I needed to get to bed early but early turned into 10:30. Of course today, I am again tired and I feel a twinge of a headache. I will be losing the vision again today and it will suck again tonight. See the pattern? It just sux. Plus to top it off I called Jay a robot which was pretty mean, and I feel bad about that. Oh well!

So I don't want to be a martyr but that's just how it is!