And then there were 2

Man I am just so sad. I need to shake this and yet it is just so damn sad. I thought I was okay with having a special needs child. I am okay with it but not okay. That makes a ton of sense doesn't it? I have dealt with my feelings over Drig having special needs. I know he is getting the best I can give to him because we know what we are dealing with. This is the key. And yet it was also so damn hard to hear that he is special needs. I remember reeling from the words because you know you don't expect this from life. I remember once I got past the words and just started doing the program, it was easier. Well it looks like I am there again with Keara. She has been seeing a therapist for her bee fear and we have been trying to get evals for everything else. I have KNOWN for a number of years but not known that she has something going on. At first I tried everything I could think of to be creative. Then I had a lot and I mean a lot of people tell me that she was spoiled, coddled, and too protected and that was why she was the way she is. I am where I am now because of Drig. I have had to see things that I wasn't even aware that I was hesitant to see before. I have had to deal with a whole new set of parents, teachers, rules, and terminology that I hadn't come across before. Keara as it stands right now, upon the initial workup, most definitely has an Autism Spectrum Disorder. You know what, it breaks my heart wide open. She is the most compassionate little human that I have ever met. She CARES for the world. But she doesn't have friends and her world is just such a tough place to live for her. It has been so sad to see the fear and helplessness. And damn I feel so guilty for all of the times that I have punished her for acts that now looking back were not her doing. I know I didn't know but I did have a hunch and I just let other people tell me that I was not doing her any favors by taking it easy on her, so I started to come down on her. I tried to have her have some accountability but for some of that stuff that she has been doing since she was born practically, I wish I could have seen that it wasn't working to send her to time-out or yelling (yes I can yell with the best of em...hopefully not too often but damn if it isn't hard when I have them all pitching a fit at the same time). Anyway, I just feel bad now and wonder if I have permanently left damage there????

That's about all I can do right now, crying and carrying on will not help my children...but I promise I will be back again...hopefully with a better outlook!