Thursday, October 06, 2005


This morning I finally lost it. This happens after a month or two of dealing pretty damn good with our "issues". Keara is sensitive to seams in socks, doesn't like pants, is not a morning person, has an issue with Cheerios when not prepared right when she is ready for them (ie. they get soggy) and she loves to argue with her daddy. So, we go through this EVERYDAY, but for some reason and not the normal PMS one, I couldn't deal with it this morning. Being the usual peacemaker in the house just did not happen this morning. She finally went to school, crying and I stayed behind, crying. I called my mommy and of course being the mom she is I cried some more. You see, my mom is a no nonsense type of personality. She said as much in our conversation. I am overly attentive to Keara's issues and I should have her just deal with it. That's life right? I have given too much attention to my kids and they really need to just deal. So after some self examining, (self-loathing) I can see where I have created little monsters so to speak.

I come to this realization everytime I melt Down like this. You see, it is really easy to see how you are to blame and all the things you need to do in order to fix them, when you are already down on yourself. But, when it comes time to implement these great ideas, I have gained my composure once again and I see how these kids NEED extra love and gentle care. This starts the slide backwards again and I will report again in a month about my failures as a mom.

At what point did I become the overly attentive, too supportive and then completely insane mother? I guess the answer goes all the way back to Killian. I didn't protect him, I failed him. I know this to be true but to change how I act, nother story. I know that I couldn't save him, I know it wasn't my fault. I know all those things. I DO blame myself though. I DID fail him. And now because I can't get past that, I continue to fail my other kids, how stupid is that? I know but I don't turn it around. Inner truths are rally painful, aren't they? When you just look into your soul at what IS, it's almost too hard to do, yk? Thus I will again be churning this over in a month. Well until then....

1 comment:

sillypants said...

Oh Jenni,

This post made me so so sad, my love. I never knew you felt like that, not to mention once a month when we all have our own "personal behavioral issues". You are doing a fantastic job with your children and they are blessed and furtunate to have a woman in their life who cares about them so. We all have mornings/days/weeks where we are awful parents. Every single one of us

You keep doing exactly what you are doing. And keep blogging. Isnt it cathartic ?