HUH?

Keara said to me last night, "Mamma, you are not the imaginary play sort are you?" It dawned on me that I am NOT. It also occurred to me that this is an area where I need to work on my parenting. I try to do crafts with the kids and we do all kinds of other games, but imaginary, make-believe stuff I just don't do. I am so not the type to play the voices with Barbie or pretend to be a dinosaur. Well I guess I need one more thing on my to-do-list!

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is my mommy's birthday. She is 56. She is having the BEST day ever this year since she and my dad are in Italy for a freaking MONTH. Today she got to witness my dad's lifelong dream come true...they went to the Grand Prix in Monaco. How cool is that? And, they are staying in a PRIME hotel, had FIRST CLASS seats at the race and MAN they are in freaking Monaco. They are going to visit my grandfather's birthplace, Milan, Florence, Sienna, Driving tour of Tuscany and Umbria areas to include the Chianti Trail, Cortona and Assisi, Day trip to Florence, and Tour to Pompeii and Vesuvious. They are going to have the best time. I am so jealous about the Chianti section of this trip! That sounds so heavenly. I cannot wait for all the wonderful stories and pictures! Happy Birthday Mom!

Tagged

Tagged by Silly

Name 5 things in your refrigerator
1. Wine
2. Three kinds of butter
3. Garlic paste
4. Beer....too many to count
5. Milk

Name 5 things in your closet
1. Jay's shirts
2. Jay's pants
3. Killian's Box
4. Socks
5. humidor

Name 5 things in your purse
1. Wallet
2. Bottle opener
3. Lotion
4. Lip balm
5. Pen

And alas I have noone to tag :(

Heartache

Drig comes running in the room crying. Of course I ask Kai "What did you do?" Kai says, "nothing mama!" Really I just used my words!" I ask Drig where he is hurt and he says "He hut ny hard nady" (he hurt my heart mommy) How SWEET is that?? Keara came over and said "that means his feelings were hurt momma!" REALLY?? Coming out of a 3 yr old, it melts the ticker.

Today is Friday

"Today is Friday Mom, we are not supposed to do reading on Friday! How can they tell me to read when I'm supposed to go to the library on Thursday? And I can't read everyday during the summer. I am supposed to have art today Mom. Why are reading today?"

This is how our day began. Keara could not get past this. Drig could not get past the door because "Today is Friday. Me not no school today." (of course this is what I deciphered)

So, today is Friday, I am told!

Kids

So my day started with Keara and Drig crying, which led to me crying. Keara was so worried about going to field day and then disappointing her therapist by not wanting to do it. I ended up picking her up early to avoid the field day. Drig was upset because he thought today was a school day (he finished last week) and when Jay left without him, he started sobbing. UGH Then it just hit me. I now have to just hold my breath and get them the help they need. I was telling Keara that we are trying to get her some help for her different thinking and she said "but definitely not a disability mom." Tears me up...yeah it is kinda just that and I have to be so careful to use the correct terminology. I just pray that I can get all this *help* together and in place for next school year. Kids can be MEAN. Keara is such a sweet girl. She certainly does not deserve some of the treatment she has gotten this year. I will be hopeful. I have Drig's IEP end year meeting on Mon. hopefully I can get some issues resolved then too. I never imagined that I would have two learning disabled children! I am in that *stuck on the idea* mode right now and I know when that passes I will progress better. I just have to get over the labels and get the help. We will do it!

Mother's Day

Kai's card...

Keara's card from school...

Keara's card from home...

Drig's card...

A great Mother's Day!

Jay also made a beautiful video for me and got me an Aspergers book! I slept until 9...woohoo!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

Click here to watch 'Mom-18'

Random

PPFFFTTT

So I had the postcard of a BAD parenting moment last night. Kai was goofing off as usual, and ran smack into the chair (soft recliner) but hit it with his chest. He comes running, gasping for air and had this look. I just couldn't help myself and started laughing. I was doubled over with pain, tears streaming down my face laughing. It was just so darn hysterical. I know that I shouldn't be laughing when my child is looking at me for help but OMG I just HAD to laugh. All the while Jay is scowling at me and Kai finally gets his breathe to say "Mommy IT IS NOT FUNNY!" But damn kid it was!!

My Boring Life...

HAHAHAHA

1. WTF is wrong with my boys? Why is it necessary to pour out the Cheerios and then mash them in the floor? Is this a new idea...NO but damn I thought this ended with the terrible twos. They'll teach me a thing or three!

2. Why are Keara's glasses always tilted half cockeyed across her beautiful face? Why must she push on the lenses with her sticky fingers ALL day long? Why did she have to get her daddy's awful eyes (color aside) anyway?

3. Why is it when I read instructions for anything, about 1/4 through I start seeing solid lines and no words? Why can't there be an idiot manual for the likes of me?

4. Why do I find aging to be a hysterical situation and Jay finds it loathsome? Why do children (or anyone for that matter) pull chairs out from under people? Why did I fail to reach for the chair when I do that 99% of the time? Why was the floor in which I splattered on basically concrete? WHY, do tell!

5. What makes your bruise go from the biggest, baddest (yes I KNOW that is not correct) shade of blue to that GAWD awful yellow/brown?

6. Why can't my brain help me think of more questions?????

Be back later maybe the ole brain will wake up.

It is HARD

You know I adore my kids, but it is so HARD! I keep thinking that one day it will be easier...my mom said so! But dammit it isn't getting any easier and in fact, it has been getting harder with each passing day. Keara has so many issues. Padraig has so many issues. Kai doesn't but anyone with a 4 year old boy will tell you that they are one of a kind without issues. Keara is seeing a counselor and Drig has his school but it isn't cutting the surface. ARGH You know I realize that I am not perfect and I know that there are parenting styles that may be better but I am doing the best I can. I think it has been a creative journey so far. I just wonder if I can keep up this pace of ingenious ideas for the next 15 years. GAWD I don't know. By the time they are out of the house, I fear I will be nothing! I devote so much of my time, mind, and heart to these *special* needs that there isn't really me in there anymore. I KNOW that is unhealthy but who else will do it for these kids. No one else has volunteered to guide them through their fears and routines. Jay does try. So it is me. I refuse to give up. They NEED me to advocate for them and I will. It is just so hard!

Melts My Heart

So apparently I have been doing something RIGHT! YEAH!!!! Keara got a certificate from the school on Thurs. saying that she had earned the most money in the 1st grade for their Read-A-Thon. She was then given a list of prize choices. We talked about it and I offered up a trip to the ice cream parlor as another idea. She chose to get the ice cream and donate the other $30 prize back to the school. She said "Hey that way I get a prize and the school gets one too!" How freaking awesome is that? Jay said he was a little bummed because we could have gotten a PS2 game or a dinner out, "I would have taken the damn prize!" What a terd!

My Big Boy

Nice day!

Went riding at the course....BEAUTIFUL

KILLIAN JOSEPH 4-26-97

Dear Killian

My tiniest angel, you would be 9 today. I cannot believe how the time flies. I can still feel your soft, beautiful skin. Your tiny fingers wrapped around mine. I feel your long toes kicking my stomach and that special roll that only you could do. Remember the game we would play? You kept mama entertained for hours. And you would gently nudge your daddy when he was hogging your space with mama. It was so fun. We are so blessed BECAUSE of you. Keara, Kai and Padraig are wonders. YOU did that. You gave me so much clarity with your passing. THANK YOU! My heart aches when I imagine your last hours but I promise I don't dwell on it anymore. I wake in the morning hours and your song is heard. I can still see that cloud you sent me, it is glorious.

I wonder what you would be like now. I can only imagine that you would be a compassionate, loving, and gentle young boy. You would be enjoying soccer and baseball, perhaps playing golf with your daddy. You would be a GREAT big brother. I can imagine your silky hair would be going in a hundred different directions and you wouldn't care at all. Your smile would light everyone's life. We sure miss you.

I know it has been 9 years but there will never, ever be a day to go by that I don't ache at my core for you. I MISS YOU! But mama can't stay down, I made you a promise a long time ago and I will hold up. I will see the positives and remember you in a good way. I LOVE YOU!

Love Mama

Thinking back

There were *special* people in my life along the way and for some reason I have either lost touch or they have.

CC- You were the one that really could just take me for who I am. You had patience and a kindness in you that I deeply miss. I want THAT kind of friendship back. I think I probably hurt you in the most profound way and I am so sorry, I was stupid and young.

PK- Wow we were a pair and I miss that too. You were the wise one, the one that could "put me in my place". Maybe that's why we stopped talking, I couldn't hack the truth back then. I wish I knew you now.

SG- When I heard that you died...I cried for days. Man you were my mom for so long and helped in ways that I can't even describe. SO SAD.

BB- Well you will always be my soul mate. I just know that when we do communicate, although it is not often enough, that you *get* inside my brain and understand everything. You were right about us. We would have ended bad again. I loved every minute while it lasted though.

GM- I really miss you. We had so much fun and I got you like you got me. Maybe we can still go back. The others interfered and they are idiots, which I am sure you would say "told ya so". LOL I hope we will find our way back.

SE- I guess time and motherhood has just taken it's toll on us. I know that you are still there as I am for you. We'll get it back together one day. I am so proud to know you!

TB- UGH this is such a complicated one. On one hand, I still feel like I know you but then I think I never really knew the real you anyway. I know one element and I know there has to be more but I am so reluctant to dig. I do enjoy your playful teasing. Maybe I will try harder one day but right now this is it.

SM- OMG you are so missed. I don't even have a clue where you are. I still love to iron.

AM- Ok so I saved ya for last. I don't even know what I feel about you. You saved me and will always be my protector. It's an odd thing and you know why. I still adore your candid talk with me. I miss your arms. (In a really innocent way) You *KNOW* me at a level that I can't explain or hint at with anyone else. Was it totally tragic...us? I don't know. I am where I am and I chose it, you didn't but I think that may be easier to deal with....doesn't make sense. You will always be there!

WOW, that felt good.

Sad

Some friends lost their baby. They weren't very far along but the pain is still devastating. So the kids decided to make a care package...cookies, cards and their picture sign. As difficult as they may be at times, they are truly compassionate little beings...for that I am very proud.

We were going to deliver the items but me being me, I lost my vision before we could. I am really sick of this. I have been taking ibuprofen as a profalactive about an hour before driving. It has been working pretty well. Yesterday I didn't need the morning dose because Drig didn't have school. I waited until it was time for Keara's pickup and apparently it was too late because I lost it about the same time I was to dose. Today again, no need for the morning dose so I waited, same reaction. Makes me frustrated. I don't know how much of the ibuprofen is too much but it looks like I HAVE to take it all the time to keep my vision. UGH And today, MY HEAD HURTS. Most of the time I don't get the pain that bad, maybe a dull ache but today it is THROBBING! So I'll wait on Jay to get home and go to bed. I really wish my body didn't act like this.

At least we did something nice for someone....hope it is well received!

My life is a joke and I'm so not laughing...

Since I don't ever manage to get here daily I will just start by saying it's not because I am so busy out of my house or away.

Keara- Well we have finally reached the point where she needs to get professional help. I am so so sad for my little girl. She is terrified of bees. We have tried everything. She has been seeing the counselor at school and we finally decided she needs more. She has fear issues. UGH So we are now trying to find her a good counselor that she will click with. She has gotten to the point where she doesn't want to go outdoors. She doesn't even want to go on her class fieldtrip because they will be outdoors. :( Isn't that the saddest thing ever? GAWD it just really tears me up. She has been researching bees as well as storms and right now I actually think she knows more than I about these topics. Her school counselor was literally shocked at her knowledge. I can't say that I am because Keara is brilliant. (I mean how many first graders are reading the sixth grade level books, doing fractions, multiplication and writing books) Or maybe I am just soooo proud :) Her other ailment right now is her back. We have discovered that her back is really crooked. Her spine can literally make an S shape. Plus her right hip and shoulder sit about 3 inches higher than her left. I'm thinking it could really explain her coordination problems and lack of physical prowess. LOL No really we have set up an appointment for that too. Just money ya know. HA

Kai- Well he has not let us down in the boredom department. The other day, I was talking on the phone with Keara's counselor, Kai was playing in the sink. I'm thinking at least he is *contained*. HAHAHAHA The joke was on me. You see, the next move I made was to start the dishwasher and then leave the room for more cleaning elsewhere. Kai had put dishwashing soap ie. Palmolive in the dishwasher. When I returned to the kitchen the entire floor was well bubbles! Kai thought it was a riot, me not so much. FUNNY stuff in this house. Kai is a really sweet kid. Last night he told me that he was the reason Nan-Nan and Poppi's dog died. He said he fed her some of his food and he knows it was wrong. He did it while my mom wasn't looking and he thinks that is why the dog is dead. How freaking sad is that? Damn, another kid in counseling I guess?? So we explained the best we could and we will continue to reinforce that he did not kill the dog. UGH

Drig- He is doing pretty good. He pooped in the potty for the first time last week. He was so proud. He still isn't consistent but he is making great strides. He is learning to not scream everytime something doesn't go his way...not an easy task for a child that cannot communicate. He is a sweet boy.

Jay- hmmmmm, not much going on there. Discovered that he has doubled our debt since he took over....oh well it's just money right? So we are gonna have to get a loan and start fresh. Of course the only way to get said loan is from his parents collateral. LOVELY.

Me- Well the good news is I have started to take care of me some. The bad news is I got the bill for what my teeth will require....$9600. YEP I don't know if that can happen. I plan on having my *pressure wash* as my mom refers to it sometime very soon. And I am in search of a good Internist. I have been tracking fevers, rashes and other symptoms...hopefully this round we can get some answers besides take this medicine and we'll see if it works (I won't go that route again...I can't survive the depression) So we will see. I know there is more but I have used too many brain cells on this, must save some and not be outwitted by the boys!

My LOVES