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Rough weekend

So, people tell you that time heals the pain. It isn't so! I still have a deep ache in my heart and it doesn't fade. I still can feel that raw, extraordinary sorrow and time has not made it any easier. I think the loss of a child is just not natural and the heartache will always be there. So my weekend was just what I expect. It was rough.

Keara is taking some back steps lately. She has become obsessed with going to the bathroom. UGH She has decided that her brain controls her and she cannot ignore the feeling of having to pee. I have tried every approach out there. So we are calling the Dr. today to try and figure out what to do next. It just sux because I know it is *real* to her but we cannot keep doing the bedtime thing. Then I have to use the *special* meds to control it and of course, this morning was bad. She has a blister and that just compounds the problem. You know, if I had all the money in the world, the very first thing I would pay for would be a para-pro for Keara. I just don't have the money and as of yet, the school issue is not solved. Poor Kai, he tries to just ignore it but I know it's affecting him. He is getting more and more disruptive at home for attention. It is almost impossible to explain to him that we are not trying to be unfair to him and that Keara requires the rewards, attention etc. He is just too young to understand. Hell, I might be too old to understand. UGH Then I have to talk Drig out of his obsession of either being first to bed or third...don't even get me started. OCD sux. I wish that I was more patient and could say I understand their need to have things just so, but I just don't. I am not like that and I just try to do what I need to do to help. But with Keara, I am never right. I am evil and unwilling to do what she needs. I just wish I could be the mom she needs instead of the one she really despises. UGH.

So, I am venting and of course questioning. This really sux!

Killian Joseph 4-26-97

My Angel Killian....Mommy still feels your heartbeat. I love you!

My basketball boy and "cool" girl

Keara's idea of the "cool" outfit LOL!

Give me strength

So Keara had a bad morning. UGH I knew the other shoe would drop but man when it has to drop on me in the morning (the morning I am alone of course) it sux. She has a problem with her socks every morning but this time we could not get past it. So, I loaded her up in the car and she went barefoot. We tried for about 1.5 hours to get those damn things on but it just wasn't happening. She finally got the choice of shoes or finding an ISS room (in school suspension). I left her with the Special Ed. teacher and she was screaming. She finally gave in. She is in her classroom, but I can guarentee she will RAGE tonight. Please give me the strnegth I need to deal tonight. Hercules is dead and we will be sad for awhile! UGH UGH UGH. Anyone know of any cute, easy horseshoe crafts? Keara has decided to do that to earn the money for the farm.

OMG

Keara had her horse show today. It was really exciting. When we first got there, the woman in charge came over and took Jay and I aside. Hercules (Keara's horse) had died. OMG! Keara was really happy and we didn't want to tell her before she had to ride, so we just said that Hercules was helping a different farm. She rode on Sherlock Holmes and did wonderful. After I took her over to a beautiful little pond they have there and told her about Hercules. At first, she said "no mama, Hercules did not die." Then we talked about Hercules going to Heaven and probably Mimi (my grandma) was riding him. She is very sad. She has decided to try and raise some money to sponsor her favorite dog, Grace. She wants to do it to honor Hercules. OMG, she is truly an amazing little girl. I am very proud to be her mama. My heart is hurting a bit though because I know this is going to be tough for her. I will put video and pictures up soon. SO SAD!

Where to begin?

Ok so I have been MIA. We have gone through some really hard times with Keara. Well I say that and really it was only 2 times so actually she is doing good overall. It is just that the 2x were WAY out there. So we have a new med that we use in those times and it helps.

Let's see.... the break down of my last couple of weeks. I have painted the entire house (minus the kitchen, but that will be coming), we even did the ceilings this time....WOW they POP!! I had my mom here for a visit, that was a whirlwind. We had so much to do, we really did not stop while she was here. I had a birthday shhhh. We had a teacher appreciation breakfast that I organized. It went ok, not as great as I had hoped but oh well. (the teachers went out and cleaned the stuff up before I could get back, I felt really bad). We had Keara's IEP meeting and that was the best it has ever gone....I LOVE her teacher, the new principal and speech teacher. They are awesome. Keara has her Horse Show today. She said "mama, I might even jump, might mama. Just might!" (it's just a step up thing LOL) Oh did I tell ya that I might just be allergic to hay. Like truly allergic. I always feel awful after we leave and my throat starts to swell. I have been taking Benadryl after but that sux. I need to go to the dr. but I haven't had the time and now her session is ending. If she does it again, I will go. And we got her into the Autism Clinic again, so stoked about it!

More later, gotta go to the farm....

Spring has arrived

ACK. Time gets away from me these days. Computer time is like nonexistent! I have spring fever like you would not believe. Maybe it's the kids being cooped up with sickness or something. Anywhosen, I have started painting. I did the hall, playroom, kids bedroom, and both bathrooms. I didn't have to do the living room, just touch up. The master is my next tackle because I just cannot stand it anymore. The kitchen is in need but we have these horrible wood panels that are carved out in the center...I am not explaining it right but I will take a picture and show ya. Basically I want to do it but Jay is not on board. It is a huge undertaking for me because I have such choppy time. The walls have to be hand stroked with a brush and I just don't know if I can stand to do it little increments right now. I will see. I am just lucky to have gotten this much out of Jay. Of course, he hasn't done any hard work, just rolling. I did all the prep spackling, trim and even cut in the tops, bottoms, sides etc. He is not a fixer-upper. He doesn't like labor. LOL So the kids playroom was awful. There were walls that practically could have been re-sheet rocked. (no clue if that's a real word) I had to use so much spackle in there it was pitiful. This is Kai's doing, he is my little destroyer. UGH He put a hole in the wall between the playroom and the sleeping room (on both sides) so he could spy on Keara. He used to drop his brother's toys down there too, until we made it clear that he was not only paying to fix the hole but he was getting his brother new toys too! Funny how that work. The bedroom where the kids sleep (they want to be together...I have tried to put them in separate and not one will have it) was tricky. I knew we had to do it over the weekend because of Keara's issues. It was, as I suspected, a problem. Keara really went off on me..."you are evil mama...how could you?" I had prepared, though. We discussed what we could do with the new room and we ended up getting new wall stickers. They were better than before so she was thrilled. Of course, when ya buy for one, all must have it. So Keara's is princess and Hannah Montana, Kai's is Sponge Bob and Drig's is Cars. I need to take pictures of that too. My arms are tired and I went the entire time until yesterday without getting paint in my hair. Of course, it's white. LOL

more later....gotta do some laundry

Great Keara news

The kids had a fabulous Easter. The Easter Bunny got them each a bike. (Before you tell me how awful that is for Easter...blah, blah...we didn't do much for Christmas because we knew we wanted this for Easter. It is a much better time of year and we were traveling on Christmas.) So anyway, Keara has never been able to ride without training wheels. This new bike doesn't have any. We took the kids to the school parking lot to ride and it was so wonderful. Keara learned in, I kid you not, 5 minutes how to ride. By the time we were done, she was riding, stopping, braking, saving herself from falling and starting all by herself. We are so proud of her. It was so amazing to watch. Just had to brag!

So now it's a rash...

Keara has developed a rash over her entire body. It is itchy. We tried Benadryl but it didn't work. So I took her in to the Dr. and he says "yeah, she sure does have a rash!" UMM thank you I think I figured that out. I wouldn't even normally take her but with as bad as she was sick, I couldn't chance it. The Dr. does think they are related but nothing to worry about. Now it's just watch and see. Poor girl though, it makes me itch just looking at her. UGH

How many letters in the alphabet?

On Big Brother one of the girls was talking about how there are 27 letters in the alphabet. We found that little bit quite funny. We decided just to prove that.... you know everyone knows that is wrong... we asked Kai how many there were~

Us - "Buddy, how many letters are in the alphabet? You can count if you want."
Kai - "27!"
Us - "Um okay, count it out loud for us."
Kai - "A-1, B-2 .....X-24, Y-25, AND-26, Z-27!"

This is exactly how the girl on BB did it. So I guess there are two out there. I had never heard anyone do that before and I just couldn't believe it but I guess it's pretty common?? Or should I worry about Kai?? LMAO

Kai in the Hat!

Keara the Meteorologist

Keara went with her daddy today on a private tour of the WTVM News/Weather center in Columbus, Ga. Jay knows the General Manager and was able to arrange for the personal look. She got to talk with Meteorologist Bruce Lee for about 45min. He explained all of his weather maps and the basics for forecasting. He let her use his desk, computers, and even the blue screen with the clicker. She was beyond thrilled. We are so proud of her, she asked him some really thoughtful questions about schooling and such. She even got his autograph in one of her weather books. I just wanted to share her exciting day.

Congratulations Jay!

Jason took his PGA certification yesterday. This is something beyond the basic PGA Card. It is specialized in categories of your career. (He may do a couple more along the way) He passed! I'm so proud of him. He studied and accomplished something not many have. He is certified in Golf Operations and of course the Core. Now he can start his work toward a Master Professional. Again, I am so VERY proud of him.

Virus time !

So, Keara has weathered the storm. It has been a long week and a half. She probably lost 10lbs at least. Yesterday was her first day of truly feeling better. Poor thing! Now it is Drig's turn. He started with the fevers Friday. Today I took him in because he complained about his ear and he has been crawling due to calf pain. He has an ear infection. The pain is probably just from the virus but we are watching it. The scary part has been how quickly his fevers rise. He will go from 99 to 102 in like ten minutes. This is usually been when he does seizures in the past, so mama has been kinda freaking out this week. I'm waiting for it to happen and really dread it. Knock on wood, so far, so good. Kai has yet to be struck, so I figure as Drig gets better, Kai will get it. And of course then Jay! So please pray that I can hold up through this! Sorry for not updating sooner, it's been kinda dreary around here.

Where do I begin....

So when last I wrote, Keara had a meltdown. Well we had another one. It was AWFUL! We had all the dr's on the line and were mere minutes from taking her in. I tried something that a wonderfully wise friend suggested but she was too far gone for that. So I used a really tough approach and for some unknown reason, it worked. The next day we got her in to her Ped. She was really thoughtful and offered some great advice. We also got an emergency visit with the dr. in B'ham. It is far but SO worth the drive. This dr. is great and she knows Aspergers...most don't have a lot of experience. She gave us the old med and a new one to curb the rage *in case*. So we now have a plan!! I am literally jumping up and down with joy!

But Keara has gotten sick. She started Sat. night with fever and stomach ache. It has been getting progressively worse. So today I made an appointment. It was no more than 15 minutes later and she gets sick. Umm, we have a problem because it looks like coffee grounds. (Has anyone else heard that this was NOT good, as I?) So I called back and yeah, they need to see her ASAP. So we go in and yes I brought the lovely vomit with me (well duh, I wasn't gonna let him think I just imagined it) He looked at it and immediately started testing her for Appendicitis. Like jump up and down and pressing in certain areas and all that. (BTW this post is gonna be hazy because I am literally typing blindly...I am so tired) So he sends us to the hospital. UGH Have you ever done a CT scan on an autistic kid??? It SUX. First she has to drink this contrast drink. They put it into lemonade so she was sssllllooooowwlly sipping it. Then this stupid MoFo receptionist comes over and says "they should not make her drink that, last week they gave a little girl yogurt instead." UM Thanks A Fucking Lot Bitch! Because now Keara refuses the drink and will only do yogurt. Well no one in the back (ie the people that know what they are doing) know anything about the gd yogurt. In the meantime, Keara is FIXATED on the GD YOGURT> "When are they bringing the yogurt Mama? They said I could have yogurt. Are they lying. I want to talk to Josh, he said he would get me yogurt." This went on for ...I kid you not... 2 hours! So they take us to the holding area and give Keara a bed. The we get the trauma of putting in her IV. OMG at this point I am just so ready to just knock her the hell out and do something. But I find out the only alternative to the drink is through another hole and it ain't gonna be pretty! So we finally get the CT done (and yeah there was more drama but I just cannot type it right now). Guess what she doesn't have?? HAHA The fucking joke was on me. We spent 5 hours in the hospital today and we don't know anything. So tomorrow we call and see where to go from here. GAWD, I am praying that my sweet baby girl feels better tomorrow because I know her mommy cannot do another today! I will let ya know!

cat Vs Fan

This is hilarious

OK so it wasn't "in a few..."

Keara had the worst meltdown to date. It started with what we thought was defiance. So we responded with a hard line. "Eat what is on your plate or don't", "Do not use that tone with us!" etc. She kept going to the point of actually *plotting* to hurt me. So we had to bring her to the safe spot (ie corner her) and help her calm down. It took 2 FREAKING hours. I kid you not. We were so close to taking her to the hospital. I can't even go into how bad it was. So tomorrow we are getting full force back into the psychiatrist hunt. UGH It is so frustrating. I want so bad for my baby girl to be ok. I want for everything to be happy and sunshine. (I know it's never going to be perfect because such is life but at least close).

I am happy to report that today my little girl was back. She had an awesome day and we talked a good bit about how bad she felt last night. She is such a sweet girl when her brain is letting her. I am starting to feel better too. I went to the Dr. on Thurs. night because it was bad. I ended up leaving with a "potent" antibiotic, some decongestant/allergy pill and the beloved Endal (for those of you that have ever suffered a cough at night, Endal kicks some ASS). I have had a numb head from the meds but at least I am sleeping and feeling somewhat human. Monday night might be FUN. We are supposed to have powerful storms and I hate storms. Hopefully Keara will be ok through this! Wish me luck!

Saturday....UGH

My day was going perfectly fine until...

We were outside playing and I heard Kai start to scream. At first it wasn't really a scary type scream so I just figured he was playing or not hurt bad. Then it turned into that terrifying type. I ran over to see what the boy had done this time and he was hanging from a tree. He was stuck between two large limbs...like his knee was in between and wedged down deep. So I tried to pull up on him, which only led to more screaming. I propped my leg under him (not very easy for someone that doesn't work out an a regular basis because my leg was actually about three feet off the ground). Then I tried to get Keara to push on the other side to help shimmy him out. None of this worked. So, I called Jay. He didn't answer. UGH I called again and he headed to the house. Kai was getting increasingly upset so I asked Keara to calmly walk next door and see if they could come help. Finally someone came and she says "oh honey don't worry, I have 3 boys!" She was cool and collected (she isn't the neighbor, just taking care of their house). She was also fairly large (as in strong) and simply pulled the tree apart. I couldn't have done it and was very grateful that she saved us! Jay got home and was somewhat incredulous but whatever. Kai has some bruising and we applied ice. I bet he won't do that again, then again we are talking about Kai!

But wait the day got better...more in a few!