Trial Run

We are evil...

Today is the eve of school returning so we woke the kids at 6 and had a trial run. Keara is starting to get into one of her anxious frame of mind states and I am worried about tomorrow. I will report that everything was really smooth this morning. The kids and I were out the door by 7:10. We went to Walmart which also was pleasant. I was shocked. So, cross your fingers for tomorrow. The other part I'm worried about is we will be in court from 10-12ish and cannot be reached. Hope they won't need us!

My heart aches

A terrible tragedy occurred on New Year's eve. A family of four died when their private airplane crashed into a neighborhood. A father, mother and two sons, but they also have a daughter and she is left to mourn. They just endured the death of their grandfather and their grandmother and this girl are left to carry this now too. I am just so sad for them. My BIL is close with the family and is really torn up over this. My sister helped the grandfather die with dignity (she was his hospice nurse) and became close with them as well. I just don't have the words for their loss. It is just not fair or right!

drawings

Christmas

I really do not have the Christmas spirit. Actually I don't have the commercialized Christmas spirit. I am so sick of hearing what everyone is buying and getting. I LOVE to give presents (don't get me wrong) I just don't love how it's become more and more and more. I think if you can get meaningful presents, then go for it but if you are just giving to give *things* then why bother. I know a big part of it is we are broke and it SUX. I am so sad about not doing a thing for the kids. My mom and dad are playing Santa this year because honestly we just can't buy anything. I have found some little things at the Thrift Store but not anything they asked for. Thank goodness my kids are more excited about going to see Nan and Poppi and don't really know the difference. All the same, it still makes me sad.
I am sick and that makes me even more grumpy. I waited until today (even though I got the prescription order a week ago Mon.) to get it because it was $20 and I don't know that we can get the food we need if I get the antibiotic. But I know that I am headed for pneumonia and I just can't do that again. I am coughing day and night and the darn thing just sux. They gave me Avelox because I just had a Z-Pak a month ago. It is some strong stuff. I can only take it at night.
I feel like a baby because so many are worse than us and I shouldn't complain but it is pretty hard. I have been drawing like crazy and I just pray that everyone will enjoy them. This is the first year in like 15 that I can't do Christmas cards and frankly that makes me cry. I LOVE sending them. I love designing them and I am really depressed that I can't do them. I am going to do an email one but it isn't the same! I also cannot do the pictures I normally do...but I swear I am going to earn the money some how and do those, it's a history of my kids' lives and I cannot stop that!

OK enough bitching...gotta go get a cough drop AGAIN!!!

Christmas drawings

Obviously not done with this but for Jay's grandparents...


For my mom...not done LOL

I did this one for Keara's therapist...


Did this for my grandma...
from this picture...

More to come....

Life

*must begin with a note that I am writing this for ME*

I haven't been writing and I have pretty good excuses for that. To begin this saga...

Keara- Let's see what can I say about my dear sweet girl. Well, she has been SICK. It has been awful for her. We started Mon. morning with diarrhea that was uncontrollable. Tues. she began to vomit (or should I say throwing up because I am not allowed to say vomit in front of Keara). She could not hold any water down. She continued to throw up all day Wed. as well. By Thurs. she was holding her water but also in a lot of pain in her lower abdomen. We took her to the Dr. because we feared an Appendix problem. They think it's gonna be OK but she has now spiked a 102 fever. Friday she is feeling better in the tummy area but her ear hurts and she still has no appetite and isn't drinking well. She returns to the Dr. and sure enough, has an ear infection. We spent about 2 hours trying to get some liquids in her because at this point she is looking REALLY bad. She finally takes some in and off to bed. Today we felt she was doing a bit better but she comes to me at noon or so and says, "mommy what are these bumps on my ankles?" She has hives. UGH Tonight she has eyes that are SO bloodshot it looks painful. My poor baby girl. She has remained on the couch since Monday am. This is so sad to watch because Keara does not rest unless she is going to bed at night! OK the really bad part of her being sick (besides how awful she feels), we were supposed to get her state evaluation on Thurs. We have waited since the beginning of the school year for this because it is through the school and FREE. UGH So now we have to reschedule. Keara has done pretty good at school lately. We still have the occasional problem or teacher that has yet to encounter Keara at her "finest" LOL. We have decided that Girl Scouts is not for her. She has not had any fun and that's just stupid to make her go. All and all she is doing GREAT and I just love her dearly.

Kai continues to thrive at school. He is really trying to read now. I love love love his teacher. She is the neatest lady. The kids all know me now and that makes the volunteering so much better. He can still drive me nuts with his attitude and lack of listening skills but all and all he is good. I love his humor and the fact that I can actually joke around with him. LOVE my boy.

Drig is doing well too. They are treating his coughing as asthma. UGH But since we started the inhaler and pill, he is not coughing. SO it must be working. It sux but then if it works who the hell cares. His Dr. is 2.5 hours away. THAT SUX! He has had a burst of words lately and that is so awesome. He has also discovered stalling and asking "Why". LOVELY. Oh the best news...the boy uses the POTTY now all the time, he even stays dry at night!! WHOOHOO! Love my driggy boy.

I have been saving the best for last...harhar. OK go back a little bit and imagine this with me. I am looking for shoes for my daughter to wear to school because her sandals were not going to cut it in winter. I pay for the ones I find (only 12.99 at Land's End total bargain). Later that day, I get this strange phone call. The guy at Land's calls to tell me that my card did not go through. OK??? I call Jay and say, "please place this order with a card that will work, and why isn't the other working?" He replies "We will talk about it when I get home." Again OK??? So later we have this conversation where I discover that we are fucked. To make a really long and sad story short...he calls to find out about debt management and we don't have enough money for it. So he tells me the only way out is bankruptcy. So we are now in bankruptcy. Scanning back over bills and shit that I have not seen until now because Jay had hidden everything from me and basically I had to ask for any money I needed, but looking it over Jay just stopped paying some bills and forgot others. So we had to fork over the lawyers fees and filing fees and pay our normal shit and the one that was missed and our insurance that happens to be due for the next six months and it is Christmas...I cry everyday, what the hell am I going to do about Santa? GAWD I love Jay but I really don't know if I can take anymore. Everyday some more BAD news get thrown at me and I just can't handle it. And this morning as I am tallying the money, I realize that food might not be an option. Kidding but really I guess I will go to the food bank and beg. Add to this that I don't have tampons or even toilet paper and I am starting to worry. I may have to get rid of the Internet and cable, hurts Jay and kids really but what can ya do?

So I thought it would help to write it but it hasn't. OH well. And I cut 9 inches off my hair last night....so long for now!

Go home Florida

WAR EAGLE !!!!

2nd, K and PreK

Idiots Rule

Since I am bored...and I like to use...

So, my husband convinced me to join his fantasy league through work. It started out with just an awesome draft, which led to now 4 weeks later, me with the best record. I have gotten into it. I am GOOD at this stuff. I have always loved NFL football anyway. Hell I love all football. Now this thing has grown, Jay doesn't care if anyone else beats him, he cares if I beat him. It is laughable really. I ask for his opinion and it's like playing poker with the best damn straight man around. He can BLUFF. He gave me BAD advice the first week and guess what? I lost. Since then, I ask but I have to translate his help and decipher the meaning. It is quite fun. Others in the league are not as happy that a girl has the best record and actually is trying to do it. I have the power to make GREAT trades because THEY.ARE.SCARED! MUHHHUAUUH. It is FUN!

Somber.Frickin.Day

SCRITCH...SCRATCH...FRICK...AND FRACK!!! DAMN AUBURN!


OK I feel a little better...NO NOT REALLY. And Tony, WTF is going on in my world? I am so damn depressed. Sports SUCK.

That's all for now.

OK So I have been busy...

I have been in utter chaos since the kids got out of school for the summer. It wasn't at all enjoyable. Keara has become intolerable most days and it is exhausting. So to get back into the real world, not just the humdum of Kearaland, I will blog again.

Keara is making progress in that we now can at least get her into the school without having to drag her in. She is still of the mindset that writing sux. Her teacher is still CLUELESS! We do have a plan in the works. I just hope I survive until it is resolved.

Kai is really doing awesome in school. He is making friends and learning. He is currently trying like the dickens to read. It is so cute watching his face light up with curiosity. I volunteer in his class at least once a week and his classmates all know me now, it's so nice.

Drig is still just plugging along. I swear the potty training is going to kill me. He will stand next to the damn toilet and pee in the floor. WTF? We have his IEP next week and might even try to switch him to a more aggressive school. He is still pretty much unintelligible (gotta spell check that one...really BAD). We have started breathing treatments with him, they think he has some wheezing issues. GAWD I hope it goes away quickly!

Jay is still Jay. What can I say? I love him dearly, just wish sometimes he wasn't such high needs.

Dad had back surgery and is doing well. My mom is going batty, staying home is not her strong suit LOL.

I am really getting FAT. And the thing I don't understand is that I am exercising more now and eating NOTHING. I can't even look in the mirror without feeling totally depressed. I don't really need to be thin per se just not rolling with lard. UGH

OH WELL....I will be back. (maybe even tonight, lol)

Friends

You know what I have decided....I don't have any friends. This is really my own doing because I am so consumed in my children but even when I try to put forth the effort, nothing! I should really know better than to try. I always think I can make friends with the people Jay works with because that is who I can meet. It never works. These people don't want to be friends with me and they get enough of Jay at work. I just can't seem to win. My kids are different and the moms all see that. They don't have to say anything to me, they just don't carry our relationships past the door of the school. My family lives far away and I can't drive to see them. I have become so isolated. I LOVE my kids but sometimes it would be nice to hang with adults. I guess I just have to succumb to the child in me and start enjoying the kid stuff. I was never for it even when I was a kid, so it's just hard. Such is life!

Sunscreen

We are the whitest folks around and sunscreen is a must. Keara has been asking to get the kind that you spray on without rubbing so we finally got some. It STINKS! Plus, Drig decided to try it out by himself this morning and sprayed it in his eye. UGH Trying to flush his eye was NOT fun. I called Jay and you know the hero he is, he rushed home. Then he proclaimed "it's not even red!" It was swollen and it turned a lovely blue tint, I think because of the blood rushing there. Of course this all happened before school, so Drig missed yet another day. Just so annoying.

This isn't really newsworthy, just sitting here bored!

Keara and Mama....

Keara wanted to help me so her answers will be in red and mine in black!!

I AM: 7 years old, a mom
I WANT: chocolate chips, a nap
I HATE: saying hate, hearing the word hate
I LOVE: chocolate ice cream in a waffle cone, my kids and Jay
I MISS: Nan-Nan, Poppi, Guinney and Papa, Killian, Aaron, Mimi, Papa,
I FEAR: Bees, being a bad mom
I HEAR: the boys playing and TV, no one fighting
I WONDER: if the Wonder Pets are real, how close Keara and Kai will be when they are older
I REGRET: screaming and yelling, anytime I have been upset with the kids
I AM NOT: good at writing, hungry
I DANCE: when my favorite songs are on like "Galaxy", whenever I hear a beat
I AM NOT ALWAYS: bossy, together
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Linny with playdoh, a lot of food
I WRITE: hardly any, to make me feel better
I CONFUSE: my mama's family, myself
I NEED: all the chocolate in the world without nuts, money
I SHOULD: get all the chocolate in the world, be doing some kind of chore
I START: the game, projects
I FINISH: my food so I can get chocolate, projects

Dad

the note I wrote to my dad...

Dad,

I have a special present that I will be sending along (with mom’s help). In the meantime, I thought I would just tell you how much you mean to me…

You have now been my dad for more than half of my life. You weren’t around in my early years but hey, that means you don’t have to shoulder the blame for my character. You can claim that my formative years were not of your doing and only claim the good stuff that comes later. Haha. You were a man that came into my mom’s world and gave her back a smile that had been missing for years. You also touched me. I didn’t understand what a REAL father could be until you entered my life. And although I believed for much of my teen years that I was wiser than you, I have been educated by my own children that you were indeed MUCH smarter than I ever gave you credit for. You taught with a quiet voice and a loud ethic. You inspired me by doing everyday. You showed me an unconditional love that only a TRUE parent could show a child.

There really is no THANK YOU big enough or powerful enough to express my gratitude for what you have given me. We don’t spend hours on the phone or even see each other very often but I know that you are one person that will be there for me no matter what crisis of the moment is happening. You probably don’t even realize that I utter your name almost daily. I will say such things as "My dad would do this….or my dad would know…or I wonder what my dad would say?" I talk to Jay about experiences that only you could have given me. And now with the kids, I can draw on all those lessons and teach them. I hope that I can do justice to that wisdom and carry on what I feel is a legacy of the highest moral character there is. I hope that someday my children will appreciate it as much as I do.

So for today and everyday to come, I will be saying a quiet thank you for all that you have given me. I hope that you can hear it. I LOVE you.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY DAD!

Love you,
Jenni

Martyrdom

I don't want to be a martyr but I don't have any other options. If I had family close by then maybe I could take a break every now and again. If my moron husband knew anything about money I might be able to at least hire a sitter once a week for a break. But I can't! I know I need a break because I am so TIRED and it is increasingly hard to keep up the patience I need for Keara and Drig. I don't want to die without having anything for me but right now what choice do I have? I mean someone has to be the one that takes the time to help these kids. Someone must be their voice and someone has to walk them through each tantrum, meltdown, fear and transition. I guess it's me!

Last night Jay and I had to go outside and talk about how he needs to get involved. We have an extensive routine that needs to happen at bedtime. When it's just me, the kids go off to sleep with very little fanfare. When Jay is involved it is a mess. I usually let Jay do the teeth and then we meet up in the bedroom for their magic bowls, water cups, songs, story and finally sleep. Then I have to hold Drig and sing his song until he is off to sleep. Well, last night just like many others, Jay set Keara off in the bathroom before doing our routine. When Keara goes off, next is Drig and then Kai wants his attention as well. So, I am left trying to calm all of them. I was feeling really awful last night because I had a migraine and all the screaming just hurt. But I had to do all the calming. Keara needed about 30 minutes of me rubbing her down, talking in a soothing voice and singing. Then Kai asked for a song and some rubbing (for attention really). Then I finally got them off to slumber and I had to sing and rock Drig for another 30 minutes. So dinner didn't come til 9 and I needed to get to bed early but early turned into 10:30. Of course today, I am again tired and I feel a twinge of a headache. I will be losing the vision again today and it will suck again tonight. See the pattern? It just sux. Plus to top it off I called Jay a robot which was pretty mean, and I feel bad about that. Oh well!

So I don't want to be a martyr but that's just how it is!

New Doos

Well, I decided today that Kai needed a mohawk...well really a kiddy version, didn't want to give my MIL a heart attack. Drig got a new style too, but with a sorta Cali look...going back to the roots. LOVE IT! And they both FIT their hair.

Outside fun

Keara looking particularly sweet....

Drig with the bug on his shirt... Kai with it on his shirt...

Toilet Seat Hat???

Kai walks into the living room with a potty training seat around his neck. I kindly asked him to go put it away and told him it was yucky. So, next Drig walks in and he has the damn thing around his neck. I tell him the same thing and HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! The seat is stuck around his neck as his head is too big to get it off. I tried to pry but he started to cry. I called Jay and asked his genius opinion on the matter. He says try the olive oil. I did and my boy just started sobbing hysterically. So I called Jay back and said "ummm now what??" He decided to come home and take care of it himself by cutting it off. But before leaving work he made sure to further ruin my reputation by telling EVERYONE that his boy got a toilet seat stuck around his neck. I am a BAD mommy! (I am proud to say that this time I refrained from the normal picture taking though!!) BOYS!!!!

And then there were 2

Man I am just so sad. I need to shake this and yet it is just so damn sad. I thought I was okay with having a special needs child. I am okay with it but not okay. That makes a ton of sense doesn't it? I have dealt with my feelings over Drig having special needs. I know he is getting the best I can give to him because we know what we are dealing with. This is the key. And yet it was also so damn hard to hear that he is special needs. I remember reeling from the words because you know you don't expect this from life. I remember once I got past the words and just started doing the program, it was easier. Well it looks like I am there again with Keara. She has been seeing a therapist for her bee fear and we have been trying to get evals for everything else. I have KNOWN for a number of years but not known that she has something going on. At first I tried everything I could think of to be creative. Then I had a lot and I mean a lot of people tell me that she was spoiled, coddled, and too protected and that was why she was the way she is. I am where I am now because of Drig. I have had to see things that I wasn't even aware that I was hesitant to see before. I have had to deal with a whole new set of parents, teachers, rules, and terminology that I hadn't come across before. Keara as it stands right now, upon the initial workup, most definitely has an Autism Spectrum Disorder. You know what, it breaks my heart wide open. She is the most compassionate little human that I have ever met. She CARES for the world. But she doesn't have friends and her world is just such a tough place to live for her. It has been so sad to see the fear and helplessness. And damn I feel so guilty for all of the times that I have punished her for acts that now looking back were not her doing. I know I didn't know but I did have a hunch and I just let other people tell me that I was not doing her any favors by taking it easy on her, so I started to come down on her. I tried to have her have some accountability but for some of that stuff that she has been doing since she was born practically, I wish I could have seen that it wasn't working to send her to time-out or yelling (yes I can yell with the best of em...hopefully not too often but damn if it isn't hard when I have them all pitching a fit at the same time). Anyway, I just feel bad now and wonder if I have permanently left damage there????

That's about all I can do right now, crying and carrying on will not help my children...but I promise I will be back again...hopefully with a better outlook!