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My newest drawings

Rough weekend

So, people tell you that time heals the pain. It isn't so! I still have a deep ache in my heart and it doesn't fade. I still can feel that raw, extraordinary sorrow and time has not made it any easier. I think the loss of a child is just not natural and the heartache will always be there. So my weekend was just what I expect. It was rough.

Keara is taking some back steps lately. She has become obsessed with going to the bathroom. UGH She has decided that her brain controls her and she cannot ignore the feeling of having to pee. I have tried every approach out there. So we are calling the Dr. today to try and figure out what to do next. It just sux because I know it is *real* to her but we cannot keep doing the bedtime thing. Then I have to use the *special* meds to control it and of course, this morning was bad. She has a blister and that just compounds the problem. You know, if I had all the money in the world, the very first thing I would pay for would be a para-pro for Keara. I just don't have the money and as of yet, the school issue is not solved. Poor Kai, he tries to just ignore it but I know it's affecting him. He is getting more and more disruptive at home for attention. It is almost impossible to explain to him that we are not trying to be unfair to him and that Keara requires the rewards, attention etc. He is just too young to understand. Hell, I might be too old to understand. UGH Then I have to talk Drig out of his obsession of either being first to bed or third...don't even get me started. OCD sux. I wish that I was more patient and could say I understand their need to have things just so, but I just don't. I am not like that and I just try to do what I need to do to help. But with Keara, I am never right. I am evil and unwilling to do what she needs. I just wish I could be the mom she needs instead of the one she really despises. UGH.

So, I am venting and of course questioning. This really sux!

Killian Joseph 4-26-97

My Angel Killian....Mommy still feels your heartbeat. I love you!

My basketball boy and "cool" girl

Keara's idea of the "cool" outfit LOL!

Give me strength

So Keara had a bad morning. UGH I knew the other shoe would drop but man when it has to drop on me in the morning (the morning I am alone of course) it sux. She has a problem with her socks every morning but this time we could not get past it. So, I loaded her up in the car and she went barefoot. We tried for about 1.5 hours to get those damn things on but it just wasn't happening. She finally got the choice of shoes or finding an ISS room (in school suspension). I left her with the Special Ed. teacher and she was screaming. She finally gave in. She is in her classroom, but I can guarentee she will RAGE tonight. Please give me the strnegth I need to deal tonight. Hercules is dead and we will be sad for awhile! UGH UGH UGH. Anyone know of any cute, easy horseshoe crafts? Keara has decided to do that to earn the money for the farm.

OMG

Keara had her horse show today. It was really exciting. When we first got there, the woman in charge came over and took Jay and I aside. Hercules (Keara's horse) had died. OMG! Keara was really happy and we didn't want to tell her before she had to ride, so we just said that Hercules was helping a different farm. She rode on Sherlock Holmes and did wonderful. After I took her over to a beautiful little pond they have there and told her about Hercules. At first, she said "no mama, Hercules did not die." Then we talked about Hercules going to Heaven and probably Mimi (my grandma) was riding him. She is very sad. She has decided to try and raise some money to sponsor her favorite dog, Grace. She wants to do it to honor Hercules. OMG, she is truly an amazing little girl. I am very proud to be her mama. My heart is hurting a bit though because I know this is going to be tough for her. I will put video and pictures up soon. SO SAD!

Where to begin?

Ok so I have been MIA. We have gone through some really hard times with Keara. Well I say that and really it was only 2 times so actually she is doing good overall. It is just that the 2x were WAY out there. So we have a new med that we use in those times and it helps.

Let's see.... the break down of my last couple of weeks. I have painted the entire house (minus the kitchen, but that will be coming), we even did the ceilings this time....WOW they POP!! I had my mom here for a visit, that was a whirlwind. We had so much to do, we really did not stop while she was here. I had a birthday shhhh. We had a teacher appreciation breakfast that I organized. It went ok, not as great as I had hoped but oh well. (the teachers went out and cleaned the stuff up before I could get back, I felt really bad). We had Keara's IEP meeting and that was the best it has ever gone....I LOVE her teacher, the new principal and speech teacher. They are awesome. Keara has her Horse Show today. She said "mama, I might even jump, might mama. Just might!" (it's just a step up thing LOL) Oh did I tell ya that I might just be allergic to hay. Like truly allergic. I always feel awful after we leave and my throat starts to swell. I have been taking Benadryl after but that sux. I need to go to the dr. but I haven't had the time and now her session is ending. If she does it again, I will go. And we got her into the Autism Clinic again, so stoked about it!

More later, gotta go to the farm....

Spring has arrived

ACK. Time gets away from me these days. Computer time is like nonexistent! I have spring fever like you would not believe. Maybe it's the kids being cooped up with sickness or something. Anywhosen, I have started painting. I did the hall, playroom, kids bedroom, and both bathrooms. I didn't have to do the living room, just touch up. The master is my next tackle because I just cannot stand it anymore. The kitchen is in need but we have these horrible wood panels that are carved out in the center...I am not explaining it right but I will take a picture and show ya. Basically I want to do it but Jay is not on board. It is a huge undertaking for me because I have such choppy time. The walls have to be hand stroked with a brush and I just don't know if I can stand to do it little increments right now. I will see. I am just lucky to have gotten this much out of Jay. Of course, he hasn't done any hard work, just rolling. I did all the prep spackling, trim and even cut in the tops, bottoms, sides etc. He is not a fixer-upper. He doesn't like labor. LOL So the kids playroom was awful. There were walls that practically could have been re-sheet rocked. (no clue if that's a real word) I had to use so much spackle in there it was pitiful. This is Kai's doing, he is my little destroyer. UGH He put a hole in the wall between the playroom and the sleeping room (on both sides) so he could spy on Keara. He used to drop his brother's toys down there too, until we made it clear that he was not only paying to fix the hole but he was getting his brother new toys too! Funny how that work. The bedroom where the kids sleep (they want to be together...I have tried to put them in separate and not one will have it) was tricky. I knew we had to do it over the weekend because of Keara's issues. It was, as I suspected, a problem. Keara really went off on me..."you are evil mama...how could you?" I had prepared, though. We discussed what we could do with the new room and we ended up getting new wall stickers. They were better than before so she was thrilled. Of course, when ya buy for one, all must have it. So Keara's is princess and Hannah Montana, Kai's is Sponge Bob and Drig's is Cars. I need to take pictures of that too. My arms are tired and I went the entire time until yesterday without getting paint in my hair. Of course, it's white. LOL

more later....gotta do some laundry