Friends

You know what I have decided....I don't have any friends. This is really my own doing because I am so consumed in my children but even when I try to put forth the effort, nothing! I should really know better than to try. I always think I can make friends with the people Jay works with because that is who I can meet. It never works. These people don't want to be friends with me and they get enough of Jay at work. I just can't seem to win. My kids are different and the moms all see that. They don't have to say anything to me, they just don't carry our relationships past the door of the school. My family lives far away and I can't drive to see them. I have become so isolated. I LOVE my kids but sometimes it would be nice to hang with adults. I guess I just have to succumb to the child in me and start enjoying the kid stuff. I was never for it even when I was a kid, so it's just hard. Such is life!

Sunscreen

We are the whitest folks around and sunscreen is a must. Keara has been asking to get the kind that you spray on without rubbing so we finally got some. It STINKS! Plus, Drig decided to try it out by himself this morning and sprayed it in his eye. UGH Trying to flush his eye was NOT fun. I called Jay and you know the hero he is, he rushed home. Then he proclaimed "it's not even red!" It was swollen and it turned a lovely blue tint, I think because of the blood rushing there. Of course this all happened before school, so Drig missed yet another day. Just so annoying.

This isn't really newsworthy, just sitting here bored!

Keara and Mama....

Keara wanted to help me so her answers will be in red and mine in black!!

I AM: 7 years old, a mom
I WANT: chocolate chips, a nap
I HATE: saying hate, hearing the word hate
I LOVE: chocolate ice cream in a waffle cone, my kids and Jay
I MISS: Nan-Nan, Poppi, Guinney and Papa, Killian, Aaron, Mimi, Papa,
I FEAR: Bees, being a bad mom
I HEAR: the boys playing and TV, no one fighting
I WONDER: if the Wonder Pets are real, how close Keara and Kai will be when they are older
I REGRET: screaming and yelling, anytime I have been upset with the kids
I AM NOT: good at writing, hungry
I DANCE: when my favorite songs are on like "Galaxy", whenever I hear a beat
I AM NOT ALWAYS: bossy, together
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Linny with playdoh, a lot of food
I WRITE: hardly any, to make me feel better
I CONFUSE: my mama's family, myself
I NEED: all the chocolate in the world without nuts, money
I SHOULD: get all the chocolate in the world, be doing some kind of chore
I START: the game, projects
I FINISH: my food so I can get chocolate, projects

Dad

the note I wrote to my dad...

Dad,

I have a special present that I will be sending along (with mom’s help). In the meantime, I thought I would just tell you how much you mean to me…

You have now been my dad for more than half of my life. You weren’t around in my early years but hey, that means you don’t have to shoulder the blame for my character. You can claim that my formative years were not of your doing and only claim the good stuff that comes later. Haha. You were a man that came into my mom’s world and gave her back a smile that had been missing for years. You also touched me. I didn’t understand what a REAL father could be until you entered my life. And although I believed for much of my teen years that I was wiser than you, I have been educated by my own children that you were indeed MUCH smarter than I ever gave you credit for. You taught with a quiet voice and a loud ethic. You inspired me by doing everyday. You showed me an unconditional love that only a TRUE parent could show a child.

There really is no THANK YOU big enough or powerful enough to express my gratitude for what you have given me. We don’t spend hours on the phone or even see each other very often but I know that you are one person that will be there for me no matter what crisis of the moment is happening. You probably don’t even realize that I utter your name almost daily. I will say such things as "My dad would do this….or my dad would know…or I wonder what my dad would say?" I talk to Jay about experiences that only you could have given me. And now with the kids, I can draw on all those lessons and teach them. I hope that I can do justice to that wisdom and carry on what I feel is a legacy of the highest moral character there is. I hope that someday my children will appreciate it as much as I do.

So for today and everyday to come, I will be saying a quiet thank you for all that you have given me. I hope that you can hear it. I LOVE you.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY DAD!

Love you,
Jenni

Martyrdom

I don't want to be a martyr but I don't have any other options. If I had family close by then maybe I could take a break every now and again. If my moron husband knew anything about money I might be able to at least hire a sitter once a week for a break. But I can't! I know I need a break because I am so TIRED and it is increasingly hard to keep up the patience I need for Keara and Drig. I don't want to die without having anything for me but right now what choice do I have? I mean someone has to be the one that takes the time to help these kids. Someone must be their voice and someone has to walk them through each tantrum, meltdown, fear and transition. I guess it's me!

Last night Jay and I had to go outside and talk about how he needs to get involved. We have an extensive routine that needs to happen at bedtime. When it's just me, the kids go off to sleep with very little fanfare. When Jay is involved it is a mess. I usually let Jay do the teeth and then we meet up in the bedroom for their magic bowls, water cups, songs, story and finally sleep. Then I have to hold Drig and sing his song until he is off to sleep. Well, last night just like many others, Jay set Keara off in the bathroom before doing our routine. When Keara goes off, next is Drig and then Kai wants his attention as well. So, I am left trying to calm all of them. I was feeling really awful last night because I had a migraine and all the screaming just hurt. But I had to do all the calming. Keara needed about 30 minutes of me rubbing her down, talking in a soothing voice and singing. Then Kai asked for a song and some rubbing (for attention really). Then I finally got them off to slumber and I had to sing and rock Drig for another 30 minutes. So dinner didn't come til 9 and I needed to get to bed early but early turned into 10:30. Of course today, I am again tired and I feel a twinge of a headache. I will be losing the vision again today and it will suck again tonight. See the pattern? It just sux. Plus to top it off I called Jay a robot which was pretty mean, and I feel bad about that. Oh well!

So I don't want to be a martyr but that's just how it is!

New Doos

Well, I decided today that Kai needed a mohawk...well really a kiddy version, didn't want to give my MIL a heart attack. Drig got a new style too, but with a sorta Cali look...going back to the roots. LOVE IT! And they both FIT their hair.

Outside fun

Keara looking particularly sweet....

Drig with the bug on his shirt... Kai with it on his shirt...

Toilet Seat Hat???

Kai walks into the living room with a potty training seat around his neck. I kindly asked him to go put it away and told him it was yucky. So, next Drig walks in and he has the damn thing around his neck. I tell him the same thing and HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! The seat is stuck around his neck as his head is too big to get it off. I tried to pry but he started to cry. I called Jay and asked his genius opinion on the matter. He says try the olive oil. I did and my boy just started sobbing hysterically. So I called Jay back and said "ummm now what??" He decided to come home and take care of it himself by cutting it off. But before leaving work he made sure to further ruin my reputation by telling EVERYONE that his boy got a toilet seat stuck around his neck. I am a BAD mommy! (I am proud to say that this time I refrained from the normal picture taking though!!) BOYS!!!!

And then there were 2

Man I am just so sad. I need to shake this and yet it is just so damn sad. I thought I was okay with having a special needs child. I am okay with it but not okay. That makes a ton of sense doesn't it? I have dealt with my feelings over Drig having special needs. I know he is getting the best I can give to him because we know what we are dealing with. This is the key. And yet it was also so damn hard to hear that he is special needs. I remember reeling from the words because you know you don't expect this from life. I remember once I got past the words and just started doing the program, it was easier. Well it looks like I am there again with Keara. She has been seeing a therapist for her bee fear and we have been trying to get evals for everything else. I have KNOWN for a number of years but not known that she has something going on. At first I tried everything I could think of to be creative. Then I had a lot and I mean a lot of people tell me that she was spoiled, coddled, and too protected and that was why she was the way she is. I am where I am now because of Drig. I have had to see things that I wasn't even aware that I was hesitant to see before. I have had to deal with a whole new set of parents, teachers, rules, and terminology that I hadn't come across before. Keara as it stands right now, upon the initial workup, most definitely has an Autism Spectrum Disorder. You know what, it breaks my heart wide open. She is the most compassionate little human that I have ever met. She CARES for the world. But she doesn't have friends and her world is just such a tough place to live for her. It has been so sad to see the fear and helplessness. And damn I feel so guilty for all of the times that I have punished her for acts that now looking back were not her doing. I know I didn't know but I did have a hunch and I just let other people tell me that I was not doing her any favors by taking it easy on her, so I started to come down on her. I tried to have her have some accountability but for some of that stuff that she has been doing since she was born practically, I wish I could have seen that it wasn't working to send her to time-out or yelling (yes I can yell with the best of em...hopefully not too often but damn if it isn't hard when I have them all pitching a fit at the same time). Anyway, I just feel bad now and wonder if I have permanently left damage there????

That's about all I can do right now, crying and carrying on will not help my children...but I promise I will be back again...hopefully with a better outlook!