Oh yeah, I'm still alive

This week has been one that I do not wish to revisit. I have ultimately decided that I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself and just change things. I don't have anything for me and that is the first order of business. I need to find someone or better yet more than one girlfriend that I can hang out with from time to time and just get away. I don't really know how I can do this as of yet but at least I am looking in that direction. It is a sad sad commentary on my life that going to a girlscout event where there are 250 screaming, yapping wild girls makes me feel rejuvenated. See I told ya, it's pretty bleak being me. I started writing again and hope that will help get my creative juices flowing as well. Of course as of yet, I haven't been totally enamored with my creation but it will come. And I write this blog thing in the hopes that maybe ONE person may read....are ya out there, my lone admirer?? It's strange how I read other blogs and feel like I *know* someone (of course I do know some) but in general it's a strange concept, isn't it? I wish I could say I write for myself and who the hell cares if anyone else reads about me, but being just the slightest bit narcissistic, I suppose I do write for others as well. At least I'm honest, HAHAHA!

Special Night Tonight

Keara and her daddy have a date tonight. They are going to Daddy/Daughter Date Night. They will be going to a ballroom at a hotel nearby at 7pm. There will be refreshments, dancing, prizes and so much more. Jay has ordered her a corsage and she got him a boutonniere. They will be dressed in their "wedding clothes" and have a blast. Keara is BEYOND excited to be going on this special "date" with her favorite guy, daddy. I will update tomorrow.

ME

I don't have anything to say. I just don't have a life. Well that's not entirely true, Keara has been giving us trouble again. She is having trouble sleeping in her room and that has been so FUN. Kai is just Kai. Drig is increasingly getting harder and harder. He is so sad to watch some times. When I see other kids just chatting away...it BREAKS my heart. Then there is the issue of his behavior. UGH he can't transition and it drives me nuts. I know I am supposed to be patient and understand but I just want to say "GET OVER IT". Then in turn I feel horrible for feeling that way. Lovely thought process isn't it? And of course the ever changing feelings about my marriage. I don't trust Jay anymore and because of that, I can't enjoy myself with him. Doesn't make much sense. I just always *know* there is something going on behind my back. Of course maybe there isn't but I have given the benefit of doubt for YEARS. I really thought it might be over and then he does something else. Plus, I don't need that much to go off now. You know, my resistance is down. SO....that is my world and the people that surround me daily. Oh and my head is numb. It started like this before and I guess I need to get back to the cardiologist because last time I was passing out everyday when it got bad. I haven't yet but been close. I just can't go back on those meds. I was soooooo depressed. I cannot get that way again. I mean right now my life is not the greatest but I know it will get better yk? If I went back on the meds, I just think I wouldn't cope well. You know it is so boring being me...

Girls Rock

I love having a girl. And even more than that I love that she is a girly girl. Keara got a make a purse kit for Christmas and we had such fun with it. She is going on a date for Valentine's Day with her daddy. They are going to a hotel ball room for dinner, dancing, and fun. So, we made the purse to go with her beautiful red velvet and taffeta dress she got from her Nan. It turned out fabulous. She is going to be the "belle of the ball".

And I thought I was ok?!?

Keara says: "Mommy even though some people don't think so, I think you are very pretty!"

Jay and I just kinda stood there. I mean come on, what am I gonna say to that? I want to know who thinks I'm ugly??? Damnit, tell me! I couldn't help but laugh, Keara really thought she was being extra nice. My sweet girl!

No Resolutions 4 Me

I was going to come here and declare my resolutions, thus having them held to accountability...well shit NO. I started to say I was bound and determined in this the year of 2006, to lose all my extra pounds, manage my money better and be a terrific mother, wife, friend, daughter, person....but that is just plain shit! I have no intention of upholding any of those things so why lie and say I do. First, I already have an excuse about exercise and diet, I injured my knee last evening, I CAN'T exercise (hell I don't even get to enjoy my favorite position with Jay ;), why the hell would I exercise when I can't do that?)...dieting is pointless without the exercise, right? My money isn't gonna get magically bigger in my wallet, so why would I be better managing it? I mean come on, it's still gonna be nonexistent. As for being a better person, IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME, THEN DON'T TALK TO ME! I am not changing, besides the whole thing about being an old dog, I just have no desire. So there ya have it...no resolutions from me!

You're It

I was tagged by Silly.

*Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot :

the state of indiana
watching me grow
citymama
mad cap mini
Golf Pro's Wife

*Then select five people to tag:
http://eatquiltsleep.blogspot.com/
http://cookiesforlunch.blogspot.com/
http://griffithfive.blogspot.com/
http://www.emjowo.blogspot.com/
http://maternitycorner.blogspot.com/

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Living with my new husband, trying to get pregnant...

What were you doing 1 year ago ?

Waiting for Jay, like tonight...inventory sucks!

Five snacks you enjoy:

1. chips and salsa
2. sunflower seeds
3. cashews
4. cheese nips
5. soy nuts

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics :

1. Carolina In My Mind - James Taylor
2. Tupelo Honey - Van Morisson
3. Come Monday - Jimmy Buffett
4. Tears In Heaven - Eric Clapton
5. Eidelweiss

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

1. Buy a new house
2. Pay off debts
3. Pay off our parents' debts
4. Donate
5. Hire a nanny LOL

Five bad habits:

1. swearing
2. not eating right
3. not budgeting
4. worrying
5. minesweeper

Five things you like doing:

1. time playing with my kids
2. time with my other family
3. crafts
4. photography
5. Jay ;)

Five things you would never wear, buy or get new again:

1. bell bottoms
2. short shorts
3. mumus
4. maternity wear
5. jean jacket

Five favorite toys:

1. computer
2. camera
3. tv
4. all games for computer
5. can't talk about that other one here ;)

Christmas was a success

Well, we caved! Of course we did, because, although our kids cause us the utmost havoc, we can't possibly look into those pitiful eyes come Christmas morning. I know, we are weak. We were up to our eyeballs in wrapping when the phone rang. It was freaking 10:30, "what the hell do you want?" I ask. Ummmm the damn alarm went off at work. Of course being it is Christmas Eve we figured someone actually broke in. So out of the jammies goes Jay and into the minivan to work. Meanwhile I am still wrapping and we have 2 half way together Buzz motorcycles all sprayed across the living room. We were in BIG trouble if the kids awoke, thankfully they did not. Jay returned sometime after 11:30 and we finished our endeavor around 1:30. We still had to eat those damn cookies and of course the pizza and beer that OUR Santa must have. Why do those things taste sooooo awful when you are forced to eat them??

We got up the next morning at 7:30, not bad considering how many times we had to tell Kai to go back to sleep. The kids enjoyed their gifts and we had some yummy cinnamon rolls. The rest of the day was just lazy. The kids have been sick for going on 3 weeks, just miserable colds but still aggravating enough, so any outdoor adventure is just off. We trotted our butts out the door around 4:30 to get our traditional Chinese for Christmas. It is also been my tradition for GAWD, 17 years to drive around on Christmas and find at least one pathetic soul, thus I proclaim "at least it's not that bad!" Don't know why but it does make me feel better. I'm not bah humbug but I am not really about the season the way most are. I have always enjoyed the giving MUCH more than the getting and it is depressing when all my giving ends up being less than what I would like because of money. Just ruins the whole thing for me. I make everything personal but I just have too much to do, yk? Enough with the rant....

Eye Dr. Visit

Yesterday was complete and utter hell with the kids. My kids, you see, are just not the happy-go-lucky, easy going children that some (feels like most) other people have. Keara and Kai needed to go to the eye Dr. Keara just needed to have her yearly exam, should be NO big deal and Kai is still having the eye issues. Keara went in first with her daddy. He came back to the car, got Kai and started him going about 15 minutes later. After another 15 minutes he comes running out to the car screaming "You need to go in there, Keara is being a baby and WILL NOT do the eyedrops." OK! I go in and do my most soothing voice and say "Keara we really need to do this, let's just be quick and get it done." Does that work? NO. I drag her butt back to the car and go back in to get Kai to do the drops. He did the drops but could only manage to open one eye for the dr. So, they have to return next week and do it all over again. And I am out $110 for this wasted visit. Keara and Kai are grounded! They are both going to be doing 11hrs of chores to pay me back. I guess there goes Keara's vacation. OH WELL! My mom suggested we take Santa away...so the plan is going to be that the kids will come out and there will not be Santa presents out. They will have to sit with that for a couple of hours until we can see they have learned the importance of behaving, then we will phone Santa. At this point Santa will tell us that he did in fact leave some presents in the laundry room, but wants them to understand that this will be the last time he can do that. (this is the plan but Jay often caves with pressure and I am not sure he can stand it) We also made them clean out the play room and we took 4 garbage bags of toys to the Mission Donation. It's funny because Keara is such a sweet thoughtful kid except when she feels threatened (the dr., dentist or even the hair salon will send her over the edge). Keara was so excited to donate for kids that didn't have anything, she even wanted to give her favorite doll. So stay tuned to see if my kids "get" the message. LOL That is truly funny.

Some People

I make cookies. brownies, cheesecake, and all sorts of baked goods for Jay to take with him to work. Do you think I can get any kind of gratitude for that?? HELL NO! I am so sick of it. I made some bark (you know chocolate and white chocolate mint) and the first batch of white chocolate just didn't spread well. I had enough to make another batch with the same bag and same deal. But then when I made the third batch, it was really PRETTY. So, instead of "gee thanks for making that, or yummmm!" I get "well that is prettier than the last batch." The first two still tasted GREAT, but NO that is not the point! I am so DONE doing this shit.

*ok I feel better just typing that out*

Our weekend

The lawn mower parade was a hit. We picked Keara up from school at 12:30. She immediately told us that she had some trouble during lunch. Well, turns out she wrote on the table. So, I made her write her teacher an apology note with 5 GOOD sentences. She wanted to write "I am very very very sorry." five times but I told her that wouldn't cut it. She did 4 really well written ones and the last I had her write "I will never write on school property again." She didn't like that idea but I told her that now her teacher had it in writing and she could be held accountable for her actions. That was just the first 20 minutes of our LONG weekend. UGH I hate short trips. We went to my mom's first because my dad's boss was in town and wanted to see the kids. Well I thought, you know, my kids. NO he wanted to see the adult kids. I felt really bad because my little terrors were in their prime ready to go after a 5 hr. drive. We finally made it to Jay's parent's house at 10 or so. Then Jay went to Wally world because he had yet to tell me anything to get for his parents. Saturday morning we did Xmas with his parents, then off to his grandparents for more. I really hate it when someone gives gifts to the kids and I didn't do for their kids. Jay's cousins bought my three a lot and it really makes me feel like a dope! Then for dinner, off we went to my parents. My mom had the notion of the kids helping her to decorate the sugar cookies for the parade the next day. Do you have any idea what sugar cookies and sugar icing and red dye and MY CHILDREN do together?? OMGAWD they were so wired. They were extra loud, hyper and just plain obnoxious. UGH We had a nice night but it was kinda stressful. We ended up leaving Kai because he just crashed. The next morning, we went back to my parent's house to decorate our trailer. We ride in a hay filled trailer hauled by my dad's tractor. All the kids wanted to be Rudolph, so we painted their noses red. We had carols and tossed candy canes along the way. The kids thought it was fantastic. Of course we had to deal with Kai hiding his damn eyes the entire trip because the sun hurts. Keara was picking her privates because apparently she has a hay allergy that we didn't know about. I do as well, one leg up the entire side is broken out. At the end of the parade, we had the usual cider and cookies at a good friend's house. It was fun to see everyone. Then at 4 we headed back on the road again for home. The kids were really out of sorts and I really don't think we will be making that kind of trip again...it just is too much. Drig suffered the most. We haven't seen him out of his element like this was and he was really grumpy. He just could not deal with the chaos. Poor guy. Anyway, we survived and now we are all catching up. I have more to tell but GAWD I am tired tonight. LOL

Family

Butt Burping

Yesterday at the dr.'s office, Kai has to go to the potty. He tells the nurse and anyone that would listen "I have to pee, no actually I have to poop!" So we are in there and I am hurrying him along because the dr. is waiting. He had finished or so I thought, then he farts. We all started laughing (why is it that farting does that to people?) So he looks over and says totally matter of fact "Mom, I am not done, I still have more, it was just my butt burping!" LOL Too funny!

Nightmare?

OMG Yesterday was a day from hell. I had 3 kids sick (the kind of sick that is just enough to keep them from going to school but not the kind that they actually lay around and relax sick) kids home with me. They have been sick for 5 LONG days now. And it was Jay's day to work open-close plus his company dinner last night. OMG I am so so so tired. The kids just whined and bitched ALL damn day. My own health is teetering too. I have become the Nyquil queen and it isn't helping, guess it's time for the dreaded dr. visit.

This morning we woke to the normal battles a la Keara and Drig. And then to top it off my lovely Jay decided to cut his own damn hair. Then he comes into the living room amid breakdowns and tantrums and me saying "Keara eat, Kai just sit there for one minute I promise to get your medicine in just a sec and Drig PLEASE stop pulling my hair and get your shoes on....no the socks are fine, please leave the shoes on Drig, Keara please eat and stop reading, Kai just one more sec." He says "Can you fix my hair, I kinda fucked it up?" UH WHAT? NOW? NO, I will not fix your stupid hair this very minute, I'm BUSY! So, he is pissed off at me too. Then they all left and Kai finally got his medicine. By then, though I decided he needed to be seen today, he is pretty sick. So we pack up to get Drig at school and stop on the way home at the dr.s. Of course, he only has a virus that there is NO medication for (we did get some ointment for his eyes though). Now I have to get them fed and off to get Keara. Then back to the pharmacy and home for homework. I want to get our tree that we supposed to get Sat, but the kids were sick. I WANT a tree and I know if we don't do it tonight, I probably won't get one. So, I guess I'll have to kiss some ass tonight and get my tree! What a day!

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays! (I don't CARE if it is politically incorrect to say this...LOL)

These were our Holiday cards (the first two) I prefer the second but of course Jay opted for the first. And of course the annual Santa experience. Can't wait to show ya the Lawn Mower Parade pictures...the kids are reindeer this year...maybe I'll be an elf LOL.

* Yes I had to insert Drig into the Santa pic. He is such a stinker! *

Totally stolen from silly...

A is for age: 33
B is for booze of choice: Pinot Grigio
C is for career: Mom
D is for your dad's name: Stephen
E is for essential items to bring to a party: Me??
F is for favorite song at the moment: Susie Snowflake...only if sung by Keara
G is for favorite game: Minesweeper
H is for hometown: Redwood City, CA
I is for instruments you play: piano
J is for jam or jelly you like: strawberry or grape jam
K is for kids: Killian (deceased), Keara, 7, Kai, 4, Padraig, 3
L is for living arrangements: 3bdrm 2bath house
M is for mom's name: Patricia
N is for name of your crush: Tony Stewart
O is for overnight hospital stays: 4 times with the kids' births and 4 with kids sick
P is for phobias: used to be driving, still some...pumping gas??? Weird I know!
Q is for quotes you like: "You can catch flies better with honey than with vinegar"
R is for relationship that lasted the longest: Current 11+ years
S is for sexual preference: Yes
T is for time you wake up: 6 on the weekdays and 7 if I am lucky on weekends
U is for underwear: cotton lycra blend (Victoria's Secret)
V is for vegetable you love: love them all
W is for weekend plans: We are going to Mom's in NC for the Lawnmower Parade.
X is for x-rays you've had: many, Don't even know how many, my foot alone was like 30
Y is for yummy food you make: cheesecake, pretty much anything sweet
Z is for zodiac sign: Aries

Lousy Blogger

Wow I am a slacker. I have been busy doing all these damn computer projects for Christmas and I just don't have the energy to do anything else here. So, there!

Let's see this month so far...
Drig has been sick like every other day, it's great that he gets to go to the PreK but it is wrecking havoc on his little bod. He is so sweet, poor guy! On another level, he is driving me nuts. I shouldn't complain about him and it certainly is not his fault but GAWD he is so frustrating. I know that this is a long road but it is so HARD. He is disabled and I know that I have to have patience, it is going to take EVERYTHING in me to handle it the right way. I LOVE my Drig so very much. He is the most precious thing ever. I want to do it right. I need to do it right. More than that, I have so much ahead that I will have to fight for him. He has so many obstacles and I have to make them passable for him. It is amazing what you have to go through to get ANYTHING done. RED TAPE UGH!!!

Kai has this lovely eye infection?? We don't actually know what it is but my little turkey is rubbing so much that he is actually raw under his eyes. I actually think it is a viral thing because Keara has eye pain too. He is driving me nuts too. I know it's my own fault. He is the middle child. He is often put aside because he has a more needy brother and an school age sister. It shouldn't be that way, but with my health and everything else it just is how it gets. I really have to change that come the new year....more playdates for mommy and Kai!

Keara is doing well. She has some sort of virus too. It is amazing that she can have a temp and still act like a crazy kid. I have a hard time keeping her home but what can ya do? She is starting a new reading group and she has already mastered the 3rd grade book they gave her. They wanted her to read 25 pages for the first week and she finished the book in two days LOL. She got the next one as her library book and finished it in one day. I even caught her reading on the pot LOLOLOLOL. Now that was a sight.

Me...hmmm...well I think it must be the time of year. I SO MISS KILLIAN. It's so weird to have such strong feelings for so long after. I just wish....no use going there!

Jay is Jay!

I promise to get back here more often. I really like putting my feelings in words.

WAR EAGLE!

Congrats to a great season Tigers! The game this weekend proved the champions you are! (Just had to put a blurb in for ya)

Thanksgiving

The things I am thankful for....

1. My children, their health, their happiness and their overall sweetness :)
2. My mom and dad...they are the best parents ever
3. My husband...most of the time ;)
4. My dear friends, mostly in the cyber world, you know who you are!
5. My inlaws, they do the best they know how ;)
6. My home, it's not the greatest house in the world but sooooo much more than some have
7. My cars, hey they work.
8. My extended family
9. My sense of humor (needed for all of the above)
10. GOD

There are plenty more and these all change in order given the moment of thought. I have a blessed life and I am thankful for ALL that I have.

Tony

CONGRATULATIONS TONY!

I knew you would pull it off and I was so happy when you did it. I even got to call my dad and GLOAT! I LOVE IT. This has been such a great year, can't wait for next year. OOOHHH and to see ya all dressed up for the banquet.....I might faint.