Bad Blogger

So I am really bad at this bloggin' thang. Yep I am an Alabamian, officially. LOL This morning we started with the screaming, yelling, hairpulling, fighting backlash that seems to just have become commonplace around here. Jay starts with a cool demeanor only to end up telling everyone and anything to f*off. Man it is really damaging my aura. Keara had a piece of skin hanging on her lip, ya know the kind of thing most people just deal with and ignore, but NO NOT Keara. She had an absolute meltdown. "I don't like purple lip stuff, you know that mommy, how could you do this to me?" Because we all know that I was sent this child so I could torture her. HARHAR. Then we have the boy from Driganese, telling us "ne ha a doop. epp!" Now if you are familiar with Driganese, then of course you know this means "Me have a poop. Help!" Of course Jay has yet to take the advanced course of Driganese and is screaming "I DON'T F*ING UNDERSTAND!" So in steps the translator, after trying to convince Keara that socks do not have hair, to aid Jay in his desperate state. Drig has now come home from school and has an owie. Normal children enjoy the Clifford bandaid as a remedy. Drig just holds the finger in the air...."ottttttttttttttttt, otttttttt!" (That's OFF for those who can't read DRig) So we have taken the damn thing off and now he is waving that pitiful finger in the air (which BTW is just a little paper cut) YELLING "HUTTTTT, HUTTTT! (hurt, hurt)" So I guess I CAN'T WIN. And every time I sit here to write my freaking kids NEED me, how dare they!! So I will be back ....

Kid Update

Padraig started his *special* preK yesterday. He was such a big boy. He got his own backpack and did not want to leave. Today was a different day. He was sobbing when I got there to pick him up. His face was covered with red/purple blotches and he was shaking from the tears. It BROKE MY HEART. This is the time that parenting is so HARD. I had to convince myself not to cry. I *know* he was ok there, it is just hard to see him so upset. He will return again tomorrow and with any luck, he won't be upset upon my arrival to pick him up. Kai was upset too today. His brother was not here to keep him company. There was an incident with a HUGE spider and Kai did not know what to do. He said "I wish Padraig was here." When I asked him why, he replied "because he is so very brave!" How sweet is that? Gotta get those moments and have them last because the rest of the day we will be batting heads. LOL I had Keara's conference yesterday. She is doing so well in school. They already have her in a special program to keep her challenged, and now they said they will be adding another day. She will also be starting with 2nd grade work in a couple of weeks. Very encouraging, she won't get bored!

Issues

This morning I finally lost it. This happens after a month or two of dealing pretty damn good with our "issues". Keara is sensitive to seams in socks, doesn't like pants, is not a morning person, has an issue with Cheerios when not prepared right when she is ready for them (ie. they get soggy) and she loves to argue with her daddy. So, we go through this EVERYDAY, but for some reason and not the normal PMS one, I couldn't deal with it this morning. Being the usual peacemaker in the house just did not happen this morning. She finally went to school, crying and I stayed behind, crying. I called my mommy and of course being the mom she is I cried some more. You see, my mom is a no nonsense type of personality. She said as much in our conversation. I am overly attentive to Keara's issues and I should have her just deal with it. That's life right? I have given too much attention to my kids and they really need to just deal. So after some self examining, (self-loathing) I can see where I have created little monsters so to speak.

I come to this realization everytime I melt Down like this. You see, it is really easy to see how you are to blame and all the things you need to do in order to fix them, when you are already down on yourself. But, when it comes time to implement these great ideas, I have gained my composure once again and I see how these kids NEED extra love and gentle care. This starts the slide backwards again and I will report again in a month about my failures as a mom.

At what point did I become the overly attentive, too supportive and then completely insane mother? I guess the answer goes all the way back to Killian. I didn't protect him, I failed him. I know this to be true but to change how I act, nother story. I know that I couldn't save him, I know it wasn't my fault. I know all those things. I DO blame myself though. I DID fail him. And now because I can't get past that, I continue to fail my other kids, how stupid is that? I know but I don't turn it around. Inner truths are rally painful, aren't they? When you just look into your soul at what IS, it's almost too hard to do, yk? Thus I will again be churning this over in a month. Well until then....

The Beginning

So, I decided that I needed a place to write about all the amazing, incredible things my kids say and do on a daily basis...Here we goooooooo.

Keara starts Brownies tomorrow, although she is already selling the nuts/candy and mags. She called her Guinney and after she managed to snag the nuts/candy sale, she asks "well is there anything else you might be interested in?" A born salesperson!

Kai, the little angel that never gets into trouble LOL, comes running into the room after he witnesses his daddy and his sister in a heated argument and says "Mama, is he gonna kick her ass?" Ummm no sweetheart, that's not exactly what you'd call it LOL.

Padraig cannot say anything, (for pete's sake, he calls me NaNa), can say WWHHYY? And top that off with a southern twang, OMG it's just so darn cute!

Jason, my love, has finally granted my wish....We have now painted the living room. But....It is vomit green! Ok, so I picked out the color, thinking that it was going to be more sagey. It is NOT. Jay LOVES it. He says "it brings me back to my childhood." GAG But, it does go perfectly with the nasty brown carpet and the joke yard sale painting that I have been enduring for 10 years now. Gotta love him, he is stuck in the 70's.

Me-hmmm, well I have had a lot of epiphanies of late. Weird how you can live for thirty some odd years and never realize some things. I think differently than others, I have always assumed that people have a good quality in them and I try to find it. I guess others do not do this. This sounds odd but I really thought everyone tried to find something that they could like about everyone. I do. (and not to sound high on myself either, because I honestly always thought I must be doing truly ugly things to people, so as they didn't want to be friends)
This, too, I have found is probably a bad thing to do. I end up being hurt when people don't see something in me that is friendship worthy. Or worse I cannot really grasp what I do to rub people the wrong way and then feel compelled to overcompensate. Bad, Bad, Bad. I also realized that there are things that I am truly still SAD about. I really always thought that at some point I would be "over" Killian's death. I thought I could come to a day when I would watch a program where someone had a miscarriage or lost a child and I would not directly link it to Killian and the other losses. This has not happened to me yet. I find myself thinking of the things that I cannot control and it is terribly sad. I am just so, so, so sad for the people of NO et. all, they lost everything. I miss my Mimi. I just ache to have her to talk with. She will always be the one and only person to "get" me. I truly just long to see her. The other side to this is quite funny....I am not depressed, nor have I been in a while (since I got off those damn meds that were drowning me). I am so happy, fulfilled and just content, yk? So it's funny to figure out some quite profound things all while I am just so engaged in my life. WEIRD!

Not bad for the first post. Man, this is quite enjoyable, I must now make this a habit.