Keara and Mama....

Keara wanted to help me so her answers will be in red and mine in black!!

I AM: 7 years old, a mom
I WANT: chocolate chips, a nap
I HATE: saying hate, hearing the word hate
I LOVE: chocolate ice cream in a waffle cone, my kids and Jay
I MISS: Nan-Nan, Poppi, Guinney and Papa, Killian, Aaron, Mimi, Papa,
I FEAR: Bees, being a bad mom
I HEAR: the boys playing and TV, no one fighting
I WONDER: if the Wonder Pets are real, how close Keara and Kai will be when they are older
I REGRET: screaming and yelling, anytime I have been upset with the kids
I AM NOT: good at writing, hungry
I DANCE: when my favorite songs are on like "Galaxy", whenever I hear a beat
I AM NOT ALWAYS: bossy, together
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Linny with playdoh, a lot of food
I WRITE: hardly any, to make me feel better
I CONFUSE: my mama's family, myself
I NEED: all the chocolate in the world without nuts, money
I SHOULD: get all the chocolate in the world, be doing some kind of chore
I START: the game, projects
I FINISH: my food so I can get chocolate, projects

Dad

the note I wrote to my dad...

Dad,

I have a special present that I will be sending along (with mom’s help). In the meantime, I thought I would just tell you how much you mean to me…

You have now been my dad for more than half of my life. You weren’t around in my early years but hey, that means you don’t have to shoulder the blame for my character. You can claim that my formative years were not of your doing and only claim the good stuff that comes later. Haha. You were a man that came into my mom’s world and gave her back a smile that had been missing for years. You also touched me. I didn’t understand what a REAL father could be until you entered my life. And although I believed for much of my teen years that I was wiser than you, I have been educated by my own children that you were indeed MUCH smarter than I ever gave you credit for. You taught with a quiet voice and a loud ethic. You inspired me by doing everyday. You showed me an unconditional love that only a TRUE parent could show a child.

There really is no THANK YOU big enough or powerful enough to express my gratitude for what you have given me. We don’t spend hours on the phone or even see each other very often but I know that you are one person that will be there for me no matter what crisis of the moment is happening. You probably don’t even realize that I utter your name almost daily. I will say such things as "My dad would do this….or my dad would know…or I wonder what my dad would say?" I talk to Jay about experiences that only you could have given me. And now with the kids, I can draw on all those lessons and teach them. I hope that I can do justice to that wisdom and carry on what I feel is a legacy of the highest moral character there is. I hope that someday my children will appreciate it as much as I do.

So for today and everyday to come, I will be saying a quiet thank you for all that you have given me. I hope that you can hear it. I LOVE you.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY DAD!

Love you,
Jenni

Martyrdom

I don't want to be a martyr but I don't have any other options. If I had family close by then maybe I could take a break every now and again. If my moron husband knew anything about money I might be able to at least hire a sitter once a week for a break. But I can't! I know I need a break because I am so TIRED and it is increasingly hard to keep up the patience I need for Keara and Drig. I don't want to die without having anything for me but right now what choice do I have? I mean someone has to be the one that takes the time to help these kids. Someone must be their voice and someone has to walk them through each tantrum, meltdown, fear and transition. I guess it's me!

Last night Jay and I had to go outside and talk about how he needs to get involved. We have an extensive routine that needs to happen at bedtime. When it's just me, the kids go off to sleep with very little fanfare. When Jay is involved it is a mess. I usually let Jay do the teeth and then we meet up in the bedroom for their magic bowls, water cups, songs, story and finally sleep. Then I have to hold Drig and sing his song until he is off to sleep. Well, last night just like many others, Jay set Keara off in the bathroom before doing our routine. When Keara goes off, next is Drig and then Kai wants his attention as well. So, I am left trying to calm all of them. I was feeling really awful last night because I had a migraine and all the screaming just hurt. But I had to do all the calming. Keara needed about 30 minutes of me rubbing her down, talking in a soothing voice and singing. Then Kai asked for a song and some rubbing (for attention really). Then I finally got them off to slumber and I had to sing and rock Drig for another 30 minutes. So dinner didn't come til 9 and I needed to get to bed early but early turned into 10:30. Of course today, I am again tired and I feel a twinge of a headache. I will be losing the vision again today and it will suck again tonight. See the pattern? It just sux. Plus to top it off I called Jay a robot which was pretty mean, and I feel bad about that. Oh well!

So I don't want to be a martyr but that's just how it is!

New Doos

Well, I decided today that Kai needed a mohawk...well really a kiddy version, didn't want to give my MIL a heart attack. Drig got a new style too, but with a sorta Cali look...going back to the roots. LOVE IT! And they both FIT their hair.

Outside fun

Keara looking particularly sweet....

Drig with the bug on his shirt... Kai with it on his shirt...

Toilet Seat Hat???

Kai walks into the living room with a potty training seat around his neck. I kindly asked him to go put it away and told him it was yucky. So, next Drig walks in and he has the damn thing around his neck. I tell him the same thing and HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! The seat is stuck around his neck as his head is too big to get it off. I tried to pry but he started to cry. I called Jay and asked his genius opinion on the matter. He says try the olive oil. I did and my boy just started sobbing hysterically. So I called Jay back and said "ummm now what??" He decided to come home and take care of it himself by cutting it off. But before leaving work he made sure to further ruin my reputation by telling EVERYONE that his boy got a toilet seat stuck around his neck. I am a BAD mommy! (I am proud to say that this time I refrained from the normal picture taking though!!) BOYS!!!!

And then there were 2

Man I am just so sad. I need to shake this and yet it is just so damn sad. I thought I was okay with having a special needs child. I am okay with it but not okay. That makes a ton of sense doesn't it? I have dealt with my feelings over Drig having special needs. I know he is getting the best I can give to him because we know what we are dealing with. This is the key. And yet it was also so damn hard to hear that he is special needs. I remember reeling from the words because you know you don't expect this from life. I remember once I got past the words and just started doing the program, it was easier. Well it looks like I am there again with Keara. She has been seeing a therapist for her bee fear and we have been trying to get evals for everything else. I have KNOWN for a number of years but not known that she has something going on. At first I tried everything I could think of to be creative. Then I had a lot and I mean a lot of people tell me that she was spoiled, coddled, and too protected and that was why she was the way she is. I am where I am now because of Drig. I have had to see things that I wasn't even aware that I was hesitant to see before. I have had to deal with a whole new set of parents, teachers, rules, and terminology that I hadn't come across before. Keara as it stands right now, upon the initial workup, most definitely has an Autism Spectrum Disorder. You know what, it breaks my heart wide open. She is the most compassionate little human that I have ever met. She CARES for the world. But she doesn't have friends and her world is just such a tough place to live for her. It has been so sad to see the fear and helplessness. And damn I feel so guilty for all of the times that I have punished her for acts that now looking back were not her doing. I know I didn't know but I did have a hunch and I just let other people tell me that I was not doing her any favors by taking it easy on her, so I started to come down on her. I tried to have her have some accountability but for some of that stuff that she has been doing since she was born practically, I wish I could have seen that it wasn't working to send her to time-out or yelling (yes I can yell with the best of em...hopefully not too often but damn if it isn't hard when I have them all pitching a fit at the same time). Anyway, I just feel bad now and wonder if I have permanently left damage there????

That's about all I can do right now, crying and carrying on will not help my children...but I promise I will be back again...hopefully with a better outlook!

HUH?

Keara said to me last night, "Mamma, you are not the imaginary play sort are you?" It dawned on me that I am NOT. It also occurred to me that this is an area where I need to work on my parenting. I try to do crafts with the kids and we do all kinds of other games, but imaginary, make-believe stuff I just don't do. I am so not the type to play the voices with Barbie or pretend to be a dinosaur. Well I guess I need one more thing on my to-do-list!

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is my mommy's birthday. She is 56. She is having the BEST day ever this year since she and my dad are in Italy for a freaking MONTH. Today she got to witness my dad's lifelong dream come true...they went to the Grand Prix in Monaco. How cool is that? And, they are staying in a PRIME hotel, had FIRST CLASS seats at the race and MAN they are in freaking Monaco. They are going to visit my grandfather's birthplace, Milan, Florence, Sienna, Driving tour of Tuscany and Umbria areas to include the Chianti Trail, Cortona and Assisi, Day trip to Florence, and Tour to Pompeii and Vesuvious. They are going to have the best time. I am so jealous about the Chianti section of this trip! That sounds so heavenly. I cannot wait for all the wonderful stories and pictures! Happy Birthday Mom!

Tagged

Tagged by Silly

Name 5 things in your refrigerator
1. Wine
2. Three kinds of butter
3. Garlic paste
4. Beer....too many to count
5. Milk

Name 5 things in your closet
1. Jay's shirts
2. Jay's pants
3. Killian's Box
4. Socks
5. humidor

Name 5 things in your purse
1. Wallet
2. Bottle opener
3. Lotion
4. Lip balm
5. Pen

And alas I have noone to tag :(

Heartache

Drig comes running in the room crying. Of course I ask Kai "What did you do?" Kai says, "nothing mama!" Really I just used my words!" I ask Drig where he is hurt and he says "He hut ny hard nady" (he hurt my heart mommy) How SWEET is that?? Keara came over and said "that means his feelings were hurt momma!" REALLY?? Coming out of a 3 yr old, it melts the ticker.

Today is Friday

"Today is Friday Mom, we are not supposed to do reading on Friday! How can they tell me to read when I'm supposed to go to the library on Thursday? And I can't read everyday during the summer. I am supposed to have art today Mom. Why are reading today?"

This is how our day began. Keara could not get past this. Drig could not get past the door because "Today is Friday. Me not no school today." (of course this is what I deciphered)

So, today is Friday, I am told!

Kids

So my day started with Keara and Drig crying, which led to me crying. Keara was so worried about going to field day and then disappointing her therapist by not wanting to do it. I ended up picking her up early to avoid the field day. Drig was upset because he thought today was a school day (he finished last week) and when Jay left without him, he started sobbing. UGH Then it just hit me. I now have to just hold my breath and get them the help they need. I was telling Keara that we are trying to get her some help for her different thinking and she said "but definitely not a disability mom." Tears me up...yeah it is kinda just that and I have to be so careful to use the correct terminology. I just pray that I can get all this *help* together and in place for next school year. Kids can be MEAN. Keara is such a sweet girl. She certainly does not deserve some of the treatment she has gotten this year. I will be hopeful. I have Drig's IEP end year meeting on Mon. hopefully I can get some issues resolved then too. I never imagined that I would have two learning disabled children! I am in that *stuck on the idea* mode right now and I know when that passes I will progress better. I just have to get over the labels and get the help. We will do it!

Mother's Day

Kai's card...

Keara's card from school...

Keara's card from home...

Drig's card...

A great Mother's Day!

Jay also made a beautiful video for me and got me an Aspergers book! I slept until 9...woohoo!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

Click here to watch 'Mom-18'

Random

PPFFFTTT

So I had the postcard of a BAD parenting moment last night. Kai was goofing off as usual, and ran smack into the chair (soft recliner) but hit it with his chest. He comes running, gasping for air and had this look. I just couldn't help myself and started laughing. I was doubled over with pain, tears streaming down my face laughing. It was just so darn hysterical. I know that I shouldn't be laughing when my child is looking at me for help but OMG I just HAD to laugh. All the while Jay is scowling at me and Kai finally gets his breathe to say "Mommy IT IS NOT FUNNY!" But damn kid it was!!

My Boring Life...

HAHAHAHA

1. WTF is wrong with my boys? Why is it necessary to pour out the Cheerios and then mash them in the floor? Is this a new idea...NO but damn I thought this ended with the terrible twos. They'll teach me a thing or three!

2. Why are Keara's glasses always tilted half cockeyed across her beautiful face? Why must she push on the lenses with her sticky fingers ALL day long? Why did she have to get her daddy's awful eyes (color aside) anyway?

3. Why is it when I read instructions for anything, about 1/4 through I start seeing solid lines and no words? Why can't there be an idiot manual for the likes of me?

4. Why do I find aging to be a hysterical situation and Jay finds it loathsome? Why do children (or anyone for that matter) pull chairs out from under people? Why did I fail to reach for the chair when I do that 99% of the time? Why was the floor in which I splattered on basically concrete? WHY, do tell!

5. What makes your bruise go from the biggest, baddest (yes I KNOW that is not correct) shade of blue to that GAWD awful yellow/brown?

6. Why can't my brain help me think of more questions?????

Be back later maybe the ole brain will wake up.

It is HARD

You know I adore my kids, but it is so HARD! I keep thinking that one day it will be easier...my mom said so! But dammit it isn't getting any easier and in fact, it has been getting harder with each passing day. Keara has so many issues. Padraig has so many issues. Kai doesn't but anyone with a 4 year old boy will tell you that they are one of a kind without issues. Keara is seeing a counselor and Drig has his school but it isn't cutting the surface. ARGH You know I realize that I am not perfect and I know that there are parenting styles that may be better but I am doing the best I can. I think it has been a creative journey so far. I just wonder if I can keep up this pace of ingenious ideas for the next 15 years. GAWD I don't know. By the time they are out of the house, I fear I will be nothing! I devote so much of my time, mind, and heart to these *special* needs that there isn't really me in there anymore. I KNOW that is unhealthy but who else will do it for these kids. No one else has volunteered to guide them through their fears and routines. Jay does try. So it is me. I refuse to give up. They NEED me to advocate for them and I will. It is just so hard!

Melts My Heart

So apparently I have been doing something RIGHT! YEAH!!!! Keara got a certificate from the school on Thurs. saying that she had earned the most money in the 1st grade for their Read-A-Thon. She was then given a list of prize choices. We talked about it and I offered up a trip to the ice cream parlor as another idea. She chose to get the ice cream and donate the other $30 prize back to the school. She said "Hey that way I get a prize and the school gets one too!" How freaking awesome is that? Jay said he was a little bummed because we could have gotten a PS2 game or a dinner out, "I would have taken the damn prize!" What a terd!

My Big Boy